No desire or interest in sex... Asexual?

**SuperNovah** · 03-30-2011 03:35 PM

***Deserved it's own thread, moved by Mod.***

I didn't realize so many people felt like me. I have a similar problem and am not sure what to do. I'm 24 years old and I am married to my husband for 8 months. We have a 7 month old child together. I never have been interested in sex. I don't think about it, I don't crave it and I don't like the physical act. It seems more like a chore then something I enjoy. I got pregnant on the first night that I met my husband. We were drunk. We decided to raise our beautiful son and work on our relationship. We love each other to death, the only thing is we really rushed into things. I feel like I made a mistake. I know I didn't make wise decisions but I have a responsibility to my child. I have talked with my husband and he doesn't want me to leave. I just feel inadequate, and I know me being asexual is putting stress on are already hasty relationship. I always push him away. I don't know what to do I want so badly to be intimate and enjoy it, but no matter how much I try to make myself like sex. I just don't. I am also suffering from borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I was abused as a kid and kept in isolation for 15 years. I am not very good socially. I have a social phobia and I believe that trauma has a reason to why I can't get close to people. I have been to therapists and on and off medication for years...nothing helps. I am becoming increasingly depressed and my husband doesn't know what to do either.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-30-2011 03:49 PM

That's an incredibly sad beginning of your life, and so many years, and what a beautiful ending though, to be in love, married with a beautiful child.

You have a reason to be happy now...take it slowly, ask him to only hold you, hug you, develop that bond even closer even if that is what he is doing...

Children, babies help us in so many ways as well...

Time sweet heart that's all ....you've had a horrid beginning of your life...

Have you ever thought of writing down exactly what you feel and burning it and throwing it to the Universe saying " you are my past now"..

And, maybe if you joined a group of abused children, you would come out of your shell more, meet people likeminded and maybe that may help as well....

You are no longer there, you have a husand and a child and you love both....don't be depressed and let what happened in your past WIN, over you.... that is what they/he/she would have wanted, don't let them win anymore.

CW

**SuperNovah** · 03-30-2011 04:47 PM

Thank you for your kind words. Not many people have been nice to me. Its very emotional for me to talk about and I think I will join some other groups like you mentioned to try and see if that will help me get in touch with people similar to me. Thank you so much.

**LanaBear** · 03-30-2011 04:58 PM

Is it possible that the two of you can go to counseling together?

It is a very sad story but it sounds like you do have his support. I think it is important that you continue to seek individual counseling but that the two of you also go together.

Your past abuse could have an awful lot to do with it, it sounds like you had a rough go of life and went through things that no child should have to go through.

FWIW, I loathed sex throughout my 20's. Couldn't stand it. I didn't have near as much going on as you, but I was able to work past it and I'm the complete opposite now.

Take one step at a time, one day at a time. If anything, work on it for yourself. Be happy with yourself and the rest may fall into place.

Do you self pleasure/masturbate? Do you feel any pleasure from that?

Stick around, we're here to support you. We have a very very caring community.

**oxy-moron** · 03-30-2011 05:20 PM

Hi- nobody is naturally asexual- If there was a Gene for being asexual it would have died out.
There are many things you can do for being bipolar- Are you on lithium?
Do you self medicate your moods with sugar or alcohol?-If you do -stop.
Try some exercise every second day- even fast walking could help.
Cut back on sugar and refined carbs. Get a good probiotic supplement. Try an omega3 oil supplement every day as well.
Being isolated for so long in you childhood would make things difficult for you socially.
Try to get regular cuddle or massage time with you man-this will help over the long run if you can keep it up. Dont run away from your man- He is potentially your greatest support for your problems.

**rcoreyus** · 03-30-2011 06:40 PM

I think it is possible for people to be asexual - or at least to very rarely want sex. It might not be genetic. Even if it is genetic, a lot of people (at least historically) will have sex even if they aren't very interested, so it might not have died out.

My wife seems similar - she just has very little interest in sex. She gets physical pleasure from it (orgasms), but just very rarely wants it, and it just isn't important to her. After decades of working on this, her being asexual is really the only explanation that makes sense.

Your feelings may not be that unusual. There won't be many posts about it on a board like this, because people who are asexual are less likely to think this sort of discussion group is interesting or important.

Is your husband willing to do what you want in bed? If he is simply a selfish lover, that is a whole different issue - no one wants sex with someone like that. If he is willing to try to please you, then this is a real issue. Sex is very important to most people in their relationships, and he is probably very unhappy. I often list this set of choices to people on the other side of this, but what should he do?

Cheat? Could you tolerate him sleeping with other women?

Leave? He loves you so he probably doesn't want to leave.

Live like a monk? That really isn't fair to him.

**kira** · 03-30-2011 10:13 PM

I've found the more you are exposed to sex the more of a sex drive you have. If I go a month without watching porn, being too busy to masturbate, not having conversations about it with anyone, and my husband being too sick, stressed, or busy to ask for sex then my sex drive becomes pretty much 0. I could go another 3-4months with nothing to do and still not thinking about sex if I didn't get myself back in to it. As soon as I make myself take the time to masturbate, watch porn, etc... I go back to outdoing my husband for sex drive even on his best week. I can have sex multiple times a day at that point and not be satisfied until something comes along to interrupt it again. I think some women are just wired that way. If the thought is not put there by something or their own effort then it doesn't occur to them. For some the pleasure from masturbation or sex doesn't out do the work it takes during a busy day unless they put in something extra. Many don't know how to add that extra or what it takes to make it really worth it. Once you figure out how to make sex really worth it and take the time to put in the effort even when you don't feel like it then it might just jump start your sex drive.

**oxy-moron** · 03-30-2011 10:30 PM

Good advise Kira. Use it or lose it.

**WildChild** · 03-31-2011 12:08 AM

I think this is generally a combination of a physical issue, usually a hormone imbalance and emotional issues. I've gone on about this before but the combination of societal and religious messages about how "good" woman think/feel/respond begin in infancy and in some women they are deeply ingrained.