A question I have, picked up from another (closed) thread....

[jns]

Sorry to hear how things are turning, Tod.

[Want to Be Free]

Hi Tod, two things spring to mind. firstly, no matter how often she denies your compliments she will have heard them and she will appreciate them. So I know it can get tiresome when you feel like it isn't working but don't give up! Secondly, have you ever written her a letter? Not a card but a letter? It is unusual in this day and age to have things hand written. It is very personal and it shows effort because you have taken time in your busy schedule to do it. It could be an invite to something without the kids, or something about how she makes you feel or how much you treasure her as a woman and not only a mother to your kids. You could even use this to suggest she return to work again. Not from the point of view of $, but because she is intelligent and beautiful and you believe she could be successful. I am brainstorming but whatever it is it has to be truly about her. It may have more lasting effect than a verbal because she can keep it and even read it over when you are at work and she is having a low day. Anyway, just some ideas

[oxy-moron]

It does sound like a midlife crisis of sorts- low self esteem- no job to validate herself.

What about some walks together?
Offer to massage her feet while she is doing her hobbies.
Would she consider a part time job?
At this stage it may be about doing small things to turn her mood.

Good luck

[Tod121]

With the looks she is giving me I am scared to go near her to do a massage and oddly I am reluctent to ask what is bothering her, the atmosphere has built up to this and I dont really know what is wrong, I have asked in the past and I never get a simple answer just more shouts n screams n tears sometimes .
I and many people feel that if she had a job (the kids are now all at school 9-3) she would feel more "relavant" and less inclided to dwell on negative issues, etc but if I dare to mention the "J" word it does not go down well, if she is in a good mood she will say what job can she do 9-3 which will allow her to have 6 weeks off in the summer and during other school holidays, she has a point but finds fault with half decent ideas.
Curiously she claims not to be looking at jobs but I have seen her internet history (sorry but I have snooped) and seen countless job sites come up, I dont know why she would lie about this either. If she said to me that she was looking around for work but couldnt find anything suitable I would feel encouraged and hopeful.
We are meant to be going out on a "date night" in just over a weeks time, I just hope things have improved enough by then otherwise it may be an awkard evening or not happen at all!

[Tod121]

I am feeling desperately upset by the recent mood in the house especially when I read todays MSN 'topic of the day', sorry for adding this link but it IS SOO relevant it is worth keeping in please, please do not remove
'http://dating.uk.msn.com/edito/index.php?mtcmk=080519&name=5/114/842-20-signs-that-you-should-end-it.html'

I can relate to about 10 of these points and feel very sad.
Earlier this year when I signed up to WH.com I got loads of good advice, most of which radically improved my relationship with my wife but somehow things have gone bad. The one thing I have always dreaded happening feels like it is on the verge of happening, that is the break up of our marriage, we have 3 kids too and Id hate to be away from them if it comes to that.
Despite many hits on this post I have had very few responses recently and would love some useful advice but although we are talking, there is an atmosphere and a lack of closeness now. We have our "date night" tomorrow but the way we are I am not convinced it will help us a great deal, although I will do what I can to make it a success.

[oxy-moron]

Hi Todd
Any marriage that has survived as long as yours can become jaded.
I have pointed out on this site before that Divorce rates go up for the second marriage and even higher for the third.
41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
What this could indicate is that there is no easy out.
That survey could be called - have you let the ball drop in your relationship?

It takes work and compromise. People go through low patches.
Your wife will possibly see the children being at school making her feel unneeded.
It will be lowering her self esteem.
If you cant get her into a job what about a training course to boost her a bit.
Get her into a sports activity. Try to do more family time.
The low interest in sex may just be indicative of unhappiness with her lot- so try to improve her circumstances. Maybe you need to become bit of a life coach for her.

Try a few things-a new experience together can create novelty for a while.

Where is that WildChild girl when you need her?????

[Tod121]

Hi Todd
Any marriage that has survived as long as yours can become jaded.
I have pointed out on this site before that Divorce rates go up for the second marriage and even higher for the third.
41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
What this could indicate is that there is no easy out.
That survey could be called - have you let the ball drop in your relationship?

It takes work and compromise. People go through low patches.
Your wife will possibly see the children being at school making her feel unneeded.
It will be lowering her self esteem.
If you cant get her into a job what about a training course to boost her a bit.
Get her into a sports activity. Try to do more family time.
The low interest in sex may just be indicative of unhappiness with her lot- so try to improve her circumstances. Maybe you need to become bit of a life coach for her.

Try a few things-a new experience together can create novelty for a while.

Where is that WildChild girl when you need her?????

---
Thanks for your comments Oxy! Making good sense as normal.
We had always intended to only have 2 kids but there is a strong suspicion that we had our 3rd because we could see our 1st 2 growing up and becoming more independent and needing my wife less and less for getting to and from school, etc. so she pressed for our 3rd but he is now 5 years old and at infant school, leaving her day free (albeit with house hold chores). Various people have said to her about getting a job but she has always refused to show any real interest. On reflection on a few situations I probably haven't helped at times because I have not backed everything she has said or done 100%, due to being 2 different people and naturally having a different take on a situation but I can see that by me simply expressing my opinion on a subject, she takes it badly and feels her view is unimportant. This is not true but I can see where she is coming from. The compromise here would be for me to take a step back and let her make the decisions even if I dont agree (??) but often it can be money related and as we dont have much and she has these big expensive ideas at times, I try to discourage them, which can lead to arguments. Our "date-night" went well at the weekend, I surprised her with a nice meal as well as hitting the pubs. I encouraged her to go swimming with me and the kids (which she has been reluctant to do for many weeks now) and that went well too. Despite money and arranging "baby sitting" being tricky, I have often considered asking her if we should play badminton (we used to have the occasion game before the kids came along), this may do the trick.

[Tod121]

No sex at all now for about 3 months!!) and she doesnt even want to pet or kiss (not even keen for a good-bye kiss as I leave for work in the morning). She has shown an ever decreasing lack of respect and caring for me and when I looked at our internet history at the weekend I found that she had googled "I dont love my husband", which was heart breaking to read and the advice that she pulled up and read was not very supportive (mumsnet website) and spoke of opening up a secret bank account and planning an escape route, etc. We have been together to almost 20 years with 3 kids but it looks to me like to end, despite genuinely trying hard to help around the house, looking after the kids and treating her lovingly, telling her she looks great, trying massages, treating us to "date-nights" and meals out, etc, etc many things that have been suggested in my others posts here, it looks like nothing will work.
She does not like to discuss our issues, always ends up with her shouting and screaming and making accusations and end up agreeing to disagree, even though I have often taken on-board her complaints and done extra things to help de stress her

[oxy-moron]

You need to establish communications some how- find out what is really on her mind.
Maybe marriage guidance from a relationship professional.
It sounds like she is making life changing plans- you need to be involved if you can.
Does she have a close friend/family member you could talk with. How supportive is her family.

[Tod121]

You need to establish communications some how- find out what is really on her mind.
Maybe marriage guidance from a relationship professional.
It sounds like she is making life changing plans- you need to be involved if you can.
Does she have a close friend/family member you could talk with. How supportive is her family.

----
It is difficult as like I said she only starts shouting and is very deffensive, etc if we try to discuss an issue and she has said before that she does not wish to discuss our problems with someone else when I have suggested councilling.
She has 2 sisters, 1 behaves very much like her and has no time for me but her older sister is more level headed and is thought of as more family orientated (although she herself has been through 2 divorces). I was feeling very tempted to talk to her older sister but we dont see her that often an I never go round there on my own so it would be a slightly awkward situation and I worry that my wife would wonder how\why I would go to her to talk. This is still an option though.