Thread: When to call it quits? (long post)

Hey everybody, I'm a new poster here at WH. I've read around on the site anonymously before but decided to finally join as I'm really needing some of the great advice I see you all give each other.

I'm a 24 year old female with a 26 year old boyfriend. We actually played video games together online and became friends that way, then eventually, feelings developed. I am from Chicago and he is from Florida. We visited back and forth over a year's time and then I decided to move to be with him regularly. We've been together over a year and a half and have been living together for 9 months now. Our relationship, in general, is amazing. We get along great. We're perfect for each other as we enjoy almost all the same things and have fun no matter what were doing. We rarely ever disagree about anything and never, ever fight. I'm the first girl he's been able to commit to for longer than a month or two and after a string of long term relationships on my end, I totally feel like he's "the one". We want all the same things out of life! Buuut right now our sex life basically just feels like a rollercoaster ride.

First of all, I have a high sex drive. Ideally I would like sex around 3 times a day, everyday. When we initially shared our sexual desires, it was pretty clear that he was really into sex too. Although he had never really had stable sexual partners, with not being able to commit to any girl longer than a few months, he really enjoyed sex, and masturbation. We actually talked at length about the masturbation and I found out he was really into porn as well. As I later found out, maybe a bit excessively (he had a few GBs of porn on his computer and was downloading a lot of it regularly!). While we were dating and couldn't have sex due to the distance, he would masturbate about 4 times per day on average. I had no problem with this because I thought that would mean we'd be having tons of sex when we finally lived together. When I first moved in, we did have tons of sex. Upwards of 5-6 times per day, 7 days a week. It was fantastic! Then I settled in and got a job and he went back to working more hours. Then over the holidays I worked more hours and he got a 2nd job. Slowly over 9 months it went from 5-6 times a day, to maybe 3-4 times a day, to twice a day.. Now 9 months later we're having sex, once a day.. if that. We may actually only have sex 5 times a week now unless I really go out of my way to initiate. When we worked full time and had other stuff to deal with, I understood that we were tired, cranky, busy, stressed, etc... But now I'm very part time and he's working 20-25 hours a week. With hardly anything else going on. And we've talked about this a handful of times. I've asked what his ideal sex life would be like and he says 2 times per day, maybe 3, which is exactly what I want. BUT, he says that, then we may go all day without sex.

Also when I first lived with him and we were having a lot of sex, he wasn't really masturbating anymore, as he didn't need to. But on occasion that I'd go to sleep early, sometimes I'd wake up and catch him looking at porn and masturbating to it. Now, I really understand that men like to look at porn, that's whatever. And I've watched porn with him, I'm completely open to that. We've watched it together, masturbated together, watched it during sex.. I don't have a problem with that. BUT I did tell him that I was bothered by the fact that he felt the need to masturbate when I was perfectly happy to have sex with him at any point, regardless if I was sleeping. So, he stopped masturbating to the porn. He'd still look at it occasionally but he saved the orgasm for when we were together. That was around the beginning of living together. Now, about 2 weeks ago, I found out he's been looking at porn and masturbating again. I know he looks at it every time I'm at work, how often he actually gets off to it, I have no clue. And hey, if he gets horny while I'm away for 8 hours working and he gets off, I'm okay with that. But when he's only getting horny like once a day now and he's masturbating without me, I feel like I'm getting screwed! He'll masturbate then not have any sexual urges after that. I'm perfectly fine with his masturbating as long as its not getting in the way of OUR sex life.

This whole thing REALLY upsets me, to the point where I will cry myself to sleep and/or not be able to sleep at night. I know that sounds excessive and part of it is my self-esteem being crushed. I am insecure and I can admit that. I NEED to feel like my partner finds me sexually attractive or it really hurts my self-esteem. And not only that but sex for me is a way to feel close to him. It's about love and acceptance between us. It also makes me feel validated. When he chooses not to have sex with me, I just feel like I'm not doing my job as a good girlfriend or that he's bored of me or he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

I really don't believe he's cheating. He never has cheated before and he doesn't really have the time to cheat. He'll attribute the lack of sex to stress or not feeling well or just being tired.. which, hey, it happens sometimes. But overall, I feel like our sex life is going to dwindle down to nothing eventually. And we've talked about it! About my needs and his needs and what we can do to change things. And things always end up the same way. I know men (and women) who enjoy sex on a daily basis and I just wonder why I can't have that. I've asked him if he's bored and he says no. I'm not a prude at all, I never tell him no about things he wants to try. I'm always up for initiating and trying new things too. I haven't gained weight or anything either. We've actually been working out together and I'm getting in better shape if anything. Outside sex, our relationship remains strong and we're happy. I just cannot think of a reason that 2 healthy young adults can't maintain sex once a day. And especially when he used to masturbate so frequently. And I've told him that if he's just not into me anymore, then we shouldn't stay together.

I'm just at my wits end! Where do I go from here?
(so sorry about the loooong post, this has just been an issue for months now and required backstory)

It's simple. When things become unbalanced in a relationship or there are compatibility issues, and talking/compromise doesn't work, it's time to move on. Easier said than done, I know. You will always try to come up with reasons why you "need" to stay, try to justify and defend his actions in your mind, remind yourself of all the good things about him thinking that will override the bad, cling onto the hope that it will get better. But bottom line, it's hurting you, he's not willing to work on it, and you will not be happy if you stay. Take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy and be with someone you are compatible with in every way.