Thread: I'm not sexually attracted to my husband!

My husband is physically attractive to me, and I love him, I just am not sexually attracted to him. I force myself to engage in intercourse with him and manage to satisfy him each time, but it does nothing for me. He's awkward and fumbles around a lot which is annoying. Somehow I've scored myself an inexperienced man which I thought was going to be ok since I have been celibate for a long time myself, but being his teacher is so much work. I just would rather not do it than work so hard so one of us is satisfied. He let himself go when we got married; gained weight, stopped shaving regularly...but still expects me to be sexy. I told him that if he wants me to be sexy, he needed to step up his game...he's doing that...slowly. We are newly weds and this is a horrible way to start a marriage!

I can feel your pain. It was relatively easy for me to learn how to pleasure my boyfriend but it has taken him a LONG time. Intercourse is still not very pleasurable to me, but I have talked to him about it and we are working on it. Plus he is great with oral and with his hands so I'm never left unsatisfied. I think it is definitely worth it to show him how. It can suck if your lover isn't experienced, but it will be rewarding to help them along. You may have to physically show him. Sometimes I have have to move my SO's hand or shift myself in some way. Or you can even show him how you masturbate. Don't be afraid to say what you want, I used to be, and it only made the problem worse!

As for being unkempt, I can feel the pain there too. It's not like I'm going all out here, but at least I don't skip showers all the time. Come on! All you can do is be honest. I had to. It was really hard and both of us have had to make adjustments. For example, he likes sunflower seeds and spits them out in a cup. I think this is disgusting. He used to have three or four cups of spit out seeds sitting around his desk at a time. He also used to knock these over all the time. I told I wouldn't clean it anymore. He still loves sunflower seeds, but now once he fills a cup or gets close, he dumps them in the trash. I also do not care as much about the seeds anymore and often buy them for him as a surprise. It takes time though, but it can all work out.

Were you ever "sexually attracted to him"? Other than his weight gain and infrequent shaving, what else has happened?

Men quickly get comfortable in relationships in part because women allow it. Stop allowing it and stop settling for anything less than you deserve.

Did intercourse ever do anything for you previously, or is this something that you thought/hoped would improve over time or once you got married?

Have you talked with, not belittled, your husband about him being awkward and fumbling around?

I think the two of you lack communication. You need to sit down, with no distractions, outside of the bedroom and discuss your concerns about what goes on in the bedroom.

Does he read? There are many good book titles in the "books on Sex" thread in this forum. One that I highly recommend for men is She Comes First by Ian Kerner Ph.D

What about exploring this forum and it's many threads on sex and sex related issues together?

One more thing: Men don't do hints, we don't read minds (especially our partner's) and we don't see the line unless the dots are very close together.

I know how u feel.....I have never been sexually attracted to my husband...never...it was his good heart and christian spirit that was the attraction....we r not newlyweds......I look at him and I am turned off...he is a cln person and keeps up with hisself I just have never been phy attracted to him...at all...he is not... I am considering divorce.....I am in my 40s.....I don't want to be unhappy or feel obligated ...after all these yrs of being married and he is still fumbling..like he doesn't know my anatomy.....it's annoying....I don't want anyone else....I really want to leave him.....but we have kids....it not just about me you know.......can anyone relate....if so what did u do.....I don't want counseling...I know this sounds mean...but I am tired of him....

It's interesting to see that the WOMEN who responded understood without needing a bunch of details or making assumptions.

I did not "allow" my husband to let himself go, nor do I ever "belittle" him about his sexual behaviors (or any other behaviors for that matter)...I'm sorry if that happens to you, but I don't treat the man in my life that way! I am a very upfront person and have told him, as sensitively as possible what I need and want.

We are both very open about what we want or need and strive to know how to build on every part of our married life...he just needs to be less of a pig, needs more practice, and needs to present himself to me in a way that makes the practicing more worth the time. I have always had healthy sexual experiences that were mutually satisfying; this relationship just happens to be very different because its a marriage; it is forever, not just a few months that I can walk away from.

Originally Posted by Ife

It's interesting to see that the WOMEN who responded understood without needing a bunch of details or making assumptions.

I did not "allow" my husband to let himself go, nor do I ever "belittle" him about his sexual behaviors (or any other behaviors for that matter)...I'm sorry if that happens to you, but I don't treat the man in my life that way! I am a very upfront person and have told him, as sensitively as possible what I need and want.

We are both very open about what we want or need and strive to know how to build on every part of our married life...he just needs to be less of a pig, needs more practice, and needs to present himself to me in a way that makes the practicing more worth the time. I have always had healthy sexual experiences that were mutually satisfying; this relationship just happens to be very different because its a marriage; it is forever, not just a few months that I can walk away from.

I don't think Seeker was making assumptions, he was asking questions. It always helps to have as many details as possible about your situation so we can better analyze and help you.

I don't think this is an attraction problem, I think it's a compatibility problem. If you have already spoken to him about this in a calm non-finger-pointing manner, then perhaps you could try changing your approach. When you're in the bedroom, try telling him to take it easy and gently guide him. Say things like "This feels really good for me" and "I really like it when you do this...". Positive reinforcement. He might be awkward and fumbling because he is nervous and doesn't know what to do. Since he is inexperienced, he probably needs some practice and guidance from you as to what you like and what feels good for you. Also make sure he knows to give you lots of foreplay, and take it slow.