Ideas for Re-Igniting Sex Life

**Scott43UK** · 04-18-2011 02:01 PM

Hello ladies, I am a happily married 43 year old guy, have been married 17 years and have a 13 year old daughter. I work hard and provide well for my wife and daughter who mean the world to me. I look after myself, I am fit and look after my appearance and have a professional job with responsibility. My wife, my best friend and someone who I adore seems to have lost her sex drive over the past 2 years, she rarely initiates sex after previously having a high sex drive but tells me that she still finds me attractive and loves me. We have sex no more than once every couple of weeks. She tells me she is tired and likes to hug instead. I am now at the point where I am becomming quite concerned. I have a high sex drive and find myself watching porn on the internet fairly often which is not helping.
In the past 2 years she has put some weight on (2 dress sizes) and tells me she does not feel sexy but when I occasionally talk about healthy eating and more exercise she gets very annoyed.
What can I do to get out of this rutt? I always try and make her feel feminine and loved but I might need some help now. Please ladies, may I know your thoughts on this? Do I get her to live out a fantasy or is that just dangerous?
Please let me know your thoughts on this. Ladies only please.
Scott x

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-18-2011 03:39 PM

Drastic, I think so yes too dangerous.

It's not un-common to go up two dress sizes and feel non sexy, lazy, and un-attractive but the last thing a man should do is tell her he's fat....By, telling her she should eat healthy and exercise, you are re-uterating her thoughts, I am fat and un-attractive, what she needs is to not hear that at all. She only wants to know that you love her full stop no matter and in fact love the new curves...

Why has she put weight on? That's the real answer is it because she is happy so she doesn't care, age so it doesn't matter or depressed over something, her job or day to day is mundane?

Does she now feel that sex is sex? Is she looking for more? See you mention she only wants hugs, so that means she is dying for "affection" intimate bonding that does not lead to sex...You say that occasionally you suggest diet, exercise, so that suggests I'm too fat as well, un-attractive for sex, even said once and you suggest living out a fantasy, so again it's about sex.

She may know you watch porn, accidently come across it, you may tell her, but deep down inside she may feel she is un-attractive you prefer the porn stars, their bodies, their size...And, say nothing to you.

This to me sounds like she doesn't want sex anymore is depressed and wants to be hugged, hand held, dated, given flowers, and then when you do make love, it's love that is transpiring, when you walk past her and she's doing the dishes, you stroke her arm for no reason...When you walk past her, you hug her for no reason... every little show of affection is done for no reason...

I know you may say, I do that...But, think deeply.... porn makes people feel in-adequate un-attractive, trying to get more sex, can make a woman feel that is all she is....

Most women crave feeling... she said it, I just want a hug..

I'm betting it is her weight but you have to establish if she gained it out of feeling down and if so why..

CW

**kristalyn_04** · 04-18-2011 03:55 PM

She wants to know that you still love her, still want her, still find her sexy despite the weight gain. If she knows you've been watching porn that might make her feel even worse about herself. She needs to know that she is the center of your desires, not trying to live out a porn fantasy but that you want her and all that she is.

Also, there are some men here who have been there and done that, so you might get some helpful responses from them as well as the ladies here.

**Seeker_Advice** · 04-19-2011 04:15 PM

Sorry, it's an open forum...

Stop watching porn. Refocus that energy on her. If she knows about it, at some level she will equate it to her weight gain, feeling unattractive to you, etc. (whether it's true or not).

Hearing about diet and exercise from a fit, trim and healthy person is easily misinterpreted, so I might suggest not doing for a while too.

Do I get her to live out a fantasy...?

Where did this come from? Your idea or hers?

Dirty talk apparently isn't working as well as originally thought? What else are you doing when you are intimate?

Weight gain, IMO is a symptom of something else. Has anything dramatic taken place in your lives? Job change? Freinds move? Loss of a loved one?

While challenging, as long as you remain focused, you can overcome almost anything. So turn off the porn and put your focus, efforts and energies towards her in ways that you have not tried before.

**oxy-moron** · 04-19-2011 04:47 PM

She has told you what she needs- Cuddles and Hugs. There are many posts on this site about how it works.
Possibly the reason she has gained weight and lost interest is that you have not provided enough physical bonding touch.
Get into touching her in non sexual way- regularly- more compliments- about her eyes- her hair - how she looks in a particular dress. Dont make it blatant.
Massage her feet or her shoulders. Reminisce with her over a meal about good times.
This will take a couple of months to work and you will have to keep doing it. After you have been doing it a while it will become effortless to you.