Finding it hard to understand

**rcoreyus** · 04-25-2011 03:19 PM

I don't think MarkT is conflicted. I think he loves his wife but would also like a good sex life.

With almost everything in a relationship, if one person like something they can have it without involving the other: they can eat spicy food, or go surfing, or parachuting, or listen to death metal - whatever they happen to enjoy, without making their spouse do the same thing.

Sex is different - we've decided as a society that sex outside of marriage is BAD. We've decided that people should not do sexual things that they don't want. So - if one person wants some sexual activity and their spouse doesn't, they need to do without. In some cases, its hard to complain - if one person wants very unusual or extreme activities (yellow showers, BDSM, group sex, etc), then most people would consider it OK for them to do without. If it common things like oral sex - some people do without, and live in moderate frustration. If it is all sex - that is really difficult. Society is basically saying that if your spouse doesn't want sex, you can't have any either - but for many people sex is a very important part of their lives.

I'm is this sort of situation, but not nearly as badly as MarkT. I get sex once a month - its limited what my wife will do, and much less common than I would like, but it happens. MarkT is basically in a sexless relationship. (a few times a year doesn't count).

It is clear to me that MarkT's wife, (like mine), just isn't interested in sex. Maybe it can be fixed, but in many cases it can't.

I can give my standard list of things he can do:

1. Live like a monk. This is frustrating, and will make him resentful of the woman he loves.

2. Cheat. He at least doesn't need to do without a basic part of his life. Of course when eventually she finds out, she will hate him for it, and he will fell guilty.

3. Leave. Leave the woman and child he loves.

Honestly I don't think there are any other options.

It is a terrible choice. I picked #1. Now I'm resentful and angry much of the time - at a woman who I really do love very much. I really can't recommend this to anyone. I haven't tried the other options.

**Mes T** · 04-25-2011 03:31 PM

rcoreyus have YOU tried an open relationship?

It's not something I could ever see myself doing, but, I'm aware that it does work for some couples. Sounds like something like this could be a perfect solution for you and Mark. Stay with the woman you love, with the family you have, and also have sex. Sounds good on paper.

**rcoreyus** · 04-25-2011 06:54 PM

The problem is that people who don't want much sex don't tend to see it as important, so don't understand why their partner wants it. They are also more likely to think its bad / dirty and find the idea of their partner with someone else even more disturbing. We have a friend who is in an open relationship - my wife thinks she is being taken advantage of by her husband.

I think there is just a lot of variation in how people think about sex and in how much they want.