Finding it hard to understand

**MarkT** · 04-25-2011 12:57 PM

I find it hard to understand women's reactions when they sexually ignore their husbands and the man goes out to find it elsewhere. Why do women get so mad? If they would just get back and see that he is sexually frustrated and take an interest, all of this could be avoided. As a sexually frustrated man, my wife could care less about my needs, desires or wants. If the table was turned, I'd still be the dirty dog. Men can't win unless they just stay single and play the field. I guess I'll always be the dirty dog then. Women never take ownership of their husbands sexual frustrations, but men always get the raw end of the deal if they don't deal with her sexual frustrations. Maybe I'll just try something and see how she likes to be frustrated. Never ends well for us guys, so dad gum the torpedos, full steam ahead.

**MarkT** · 04-25-2011 01:05 PM

Maybe she would like to get all worked up ready to climb the walls and I'll just roll over and go to sleep. See how she likes it, just tired of it all.

**KMonte85** · 04-25-2011 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by MarkT

I find it hard to understand women's reactions when they sexually ignore their husbands and the man goes out to find it elsewhere. Why do women get so mad? If they would just get back and see that he is sexually frustrated and take an interest, all of this could be avoided. As a sexually frustrated man, my wife could care less about my needs, desires or wants. If the table was turned, I'd still be the dirty dog. Men can't win unless they just stay single and play the field. I guess I'll always be the dirty dog then. Women never take ownership of their husbands sexual frustrations, but men always get the raw end of the deal if they don't deal with her sexual frustrations. Maybe I'll just try something and see how she likes to be frustrated. Never ends well for us guys, so dad gum the torpedos, full steam ahead.

This is a very sexist comment... spouses from both sides have felt this sort of frustration, so for you to say this is only a man's plight is a bit insulting. I have been quietly following your story here on WH, so although I don't agree with your message, I do understand why you're writing in this tone.

If I may also add... you can't melt a glacier in a week. You and your wife have had intimacy issues for some time now. Changing the way you behave is not going to reap instant results. And your impatience will sabotage what you were originally work for. Cheating on your wife is the easy way out, and as we all know - instant gratification is seldom as satisifying as the results you get from your hard work and perseverance. I would suggest that if you're seriously considering finding sexual gratification outside of your marriage that you make sure your wife is well aware of your plans.

**FortunsFoole** · 04-25-2011 01:51 PM

How much are you trying to get sex from her? I understand there's a lot of frustration surrounding the situation. Times when my libido seems to bottom out, the last thing I want is hounding and feeling guilty about not giving it up. My previous relationship I ended up Super resentful(I'd say there were times I felt like I was starting to hate him) and completely shut down because I couldn't take it anymore, I was so pressured to feel like I should and had to desire him(he would get depressed when I turned him down) that I literally could not handle it and I think in a subconscious effort at self preservation, I completely shut down. There were times, just to pacify him, I would pretty much "let" him have sex with me. I was not into it at all and it was painful, just adding to my resentment. I felt completely disgusting afterwards, always.... but we were so great at being friends and companions I didn't want to let go and I knew he "needed" it so I let it happen. The pressure killed everything good in that relationship because there was SO MUCH focus on sex sex sex. I wanted to be loved first.. and sexed up only if the feelings were there. Not having sex because it signified love. I'm definitely the type of chick where the act of sex will come around the most times there's a connection and intense feelings of love. I'll never again be the type of woman that's gives myself away when I don't want it just to appease my significant others sexual frustration. It took me a years to get over the damage I allowed myself to do to me by being so focused on his needs.

It also sounds like you are resentful of her... this whole situation sounds so incredibly unhealthy really. Maybe you feel sex signifies an ultimate expression of love and a lack of her showing affection toward you in any other way to make you feel loved makes you need it that much more... and that is obviously something you need(who doesn't?), why are you choosing to stay?

I understand the reasons of there being a child involved and keeping family together... but if you feel THIS strongly about what's going on and don't have anything left to put into trying to change things or feel like her feelings will never change, why are you still there? What message is your son getting out of all this?

I saw you posted earlier about taking a break for awhile. Maybe that's a really good idea. Remove yourself from the situation and all the reminders of what is wrong right now.. take some time to gain perspective without the distractions and figure out what's most important and what is healthiest for you and your family.

I think if you're going to resort to being unfaithful to take the pressure off, and there's so much focus on sex in the marriage... why wouldn't you just leave? From that perspective it seems like there's nothing left. Outside of the family relationship, is there anything positive about this marriage?

**FortunsFoole** · 04-25-2011 01:51 PM

Ack... double post

**MarkT** · 04-25-2011 02:09 PM

KMonte85, I'm sorry for my comments that have insulted you or anyone here. Don't take it personally please. Some of the things I post aren't my true feelings, they are just knee jerk reactions to what I consider a sexless marriage. It's nothing against women or men. I know both suffer from this kind of behavior from their spouses. I wouldn't mess around on my spouse, although I would like to get the poision drained that's frustrating me So Much. It's just one of those things in life that drives you to either drink or fix. Or both at the same time. BTW, that's not a bad idea- good stiff slug of Beam that is-
It's tough to be in this position I don't care if you are male or female. I just can't see a man turning a woman down, not in my realm of thinking I'll tell ya right now! Turn a woman down...... ought to be horse whipped for just thinking about it. The day I turn a woman down they will be shoveling dirt on my casket, that is Before I turn her down. What? Is a man crazy for turning her down, I'd say so!!!

I know it takes time, and it's a long road back. But here I sit after taking care of it again today, Yes Twice A dad gum Day, wanting my wife to come home early and for her to be in the mood for some snuggle, cuddle, kissing, body to body nakedness that once was so great- instead, I'm stuck at home penis in hand twice a day saying, Well, it's just another day in Paradise for us! She wouldn't take the time to be with me anyway, even when things were good between us. Even when I was knocking down 3 grand a week on the nuke outages. She has never had or was willing to just spend time with me. Job, house, or whatever was on her mind always comes first, so why shouldn't my things come first? If I put her off like she puts me off, all hades will come unglued. If my plans interfere with her's, mine get changed. Well, from now on my hunting comes first, my guns come first, my antique tractor comes first as well as does my time on the shooting range. Undermining, maybe... but what have I been through? It's a 2 way street, and I just might be going in the other direction than she is. If she wants time with me, she should change her schedule for me like I have for her for 12 1/2 years.
Pay no attention to me I'm just an old frustrated man flapping his gums to no one who is really interested anyway. Unless it's happened to you and you have gone through it, it just isn't the same. I know a lot have, I didn't mean some haven't. It's really a hard thing to go through. Some just think I'm just another guy complaining about no sex.

**MarkT** · 04-25-2011 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by FortunsFoole

How much are you trying to get sex from her? I understand there's a lot of frustration surrounding the situation. Times when my libido seems to bottom out, the last thing I want is hounding and feeling guilty about not giving it up. My previous relationship I ended up Super resentful(I'd say there were times I felt like I was starting to hate him) and completely shut down because I couldn't take it anymore, I was so pressured to feel like I should and had to desire him(he would get depressed when I turned him down) that I literally could not handle it and I think in a subconscious effort at self preservation, I completely shut down. There were times, just to pacify him, I would pretty much "let" him have sex with me. I was not into it at all and it was painful, just adding to my resentment. I felt completely disgusting afterwards, always.... but we were so great at being friends and companions I didn't want to let go and I knew he "needed" it so I let it happen. The pressure killed everything good in that relationship because there was SO MUCH focus on sex sex sex. I wanted to be loved first.. and sexed up only if the feelings were there. Not having sex because it signified love. I'm definitely the type of chick where the act of sex will come around the most times there's a connection and intense feelings of love. I'll never again be the type of woman that's gives myself away when I don't want it just to appease my significant others sexual frustration. It took me a years to get over the damage I allowed myself to do to me by being so focused on his needs.

It also sounds like you are resentful of her... this whole situation sounds so incredibly unhealthy really. Maybe you feel sex signifies an ultimate expression of love and a lack of her showing affection toward you in any other way to make you feel loved makes you need it that much more... and that is obviously something you need(who doesn't?), why are you choosing to stay?

I understand the reasons of there being a child involved and keeping family together... but if you feel THIS strongly about what's going on and don't have anything left to put into trying to change things or feel like her feelings will never change, why are you still there? What message is your son getting out of all this?

I saw you posted earlier about taking a break for awhile. Maybe that's a really good idea. Remove yourself from the situation and all the reminders of what is wrong right now.. take some time to gain perspective without the distractions and figure out what's most important and what is healthiest for you and your family.

I think if you're going to resort to being unfaithful to take the pressure off, and there's so much focus on sex in the marriage... why wouldn't you just leave? From that perspective it seems like there's nothing left. Outside of the family relationship, is there anything positive about this marriage?

Last July 2010, was the last time- Few more months, it'll be a year. At this point, why not make it a new record for me? Then we can work on a year and a half, then 2. Might just get up to 5 or maybe even 6 years without sex. At this point, I'm just about ready to give up and see what else I can urinate her off with. I thought about starting to buy more guns to replace the sex with, 2 a month for every month without. Maybe not- although, I have bought guns before and never told her, I just went out and bought them- What she going to do, Cut me OFF? She better figure out where it's coming from first. Just my frustration coming out again. But really, Cut ME off? Please...
Have you ever been in love to the point of intoxication? Not the first love stage of OMG! But the real love that you feel for someone after 5 years or so? It's like that love without any hugs or kisses or physical contact. It spherically sucks.

**MarkT** · 04-25-2011 02:29 PM

I call it a sexless marriage if the couple only does it less that 3 times a year, heck, why even bother at that point?

**KMonte85** · 04-25-2011 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by MarkT

At this point, I'm just about ready to give up and see what else I can urinate her off with
...

What she going to do, Cut me OFF? She better figure out where it's coming from first. Just my frustration coming out again. But really, Cut ME off? Please... .

Originally Posted by MarkT

Have you ever been in love to the point of intoxication? Not the first love stage of OMG! But the real love that you feel for someone after 5 years or so? It's like that love without any hugs or kisses or physical contact. It spherically sucks.

Obviously you're very conflicted. If you still love her to the point of intoxication as you've written here, then why would it be your goal to make her feel as frustrated and neglected as you feel? I might be naive here, but I couldn't imagine doing anything to purposely hurt or spite someone I was that head over heels for.

So which is it?

And if you're to the point of inserting more toxicity into an already challenging situation, then why even bother staying in the marriage? What good does it do to have two miserable people stuck with each other? And what benefit is that to the innocent party (ie your son) who will undoubtedly be caught in the crosshairs of this?

I think you might just be spouting off here, venting frustrations, but be aware that sometimes our thoughts can influence our realities...