Thread: My wife had never found me sexually attractive.

It sounds so familiar - I think a fair number of people are in this situation - its miserable. People stay in relationships so long that they don't feel they can leave, but without a good sex life those relationships are never happy.

Can she indicate in any way why she isn't attracted to you? Maybe its something you can't change (say if she discovered she were a lesbian), but maybe you can. Of course if you change she should be willing to as well.

Is she attracted to other people, just not you, or does she not find anyone attractive?

I feel sad for you because I can imagine how hurtful that must've been to hear those words from your wife. In one sense I feel she's stringing you along, she doesn't want to lose you because she knows you're a great husband and father so she's saying things like she's "seeing the old sparkles come back". What old sparkles? If she has never felt sexually attracted to you, then how can she get back something she never had to begin with?

Depression does play a major role in someones life. But it is not an excuse to deprive the person you supposedly love of happiness. There are treatments for depression and if solutions are not being sought, then it should not be used as an excuse.

I would have a hard time too, forgetting what she has told you. And then again, why should you? You were deceived in a very selfish way. She wanted you for what you could be for her, a great husband and father. But what about her true love and devotion for you? What about the chemistry? And if she wasn't sexually attracted to you, why was she having sex with you to begin with??

Sorry for what you are going through. Lots of people here understand. Talking about it definitely helps.

First of all, thank you for all of your responses.

WildChild - therapy, of any type, would be a good direction and one that I would be willing to do. I just don't know if she would be willing to go. I don't say that to put her in a bad light, it's just she tells me that she wants to stay, but in the same breath she says she's confused. That maybe this bout of depression will go away and this "storm in her head" will stop. But it is something I intend to bring up.

rcoreyus - unfortunately, no. In the past, my weight went up (I'm 5' 9" and I got up to about 250). At that point, we had a talk about how my weight was turning her off. I lost the weight, and things got better. At least in my mind. That was a turning point for us to speak the truth to each other, no matter how it hurt. I would rather have the truth than to live a lie. That was about 6-7 years ago. I Neptune weight off (around 185) until starting 2 years ago when it started going back up (topped out at 206). Ironically, about a week before she had the talk with me, I had started to diet. Right now, I'm back to 190 and have started working out. I did this for me and not for her. The stress from work has gradually increases in the last 2 years and I was using food as comfort.

Sorry, tangent. As for possible sexual identity..maybe. There has been comments here and there through out our marriage of a curiosity. And recently (in the last 3 months), we have talked very openly about our fantasies. This is one that she says that she has never indulged in, because she thought of it almost like cheating. It is something that she still says is only a fantasy and that she doesn't think she could ever actually do.
Is there something I can change? She has never come right out and said it, but her indication is that the answer is no. It's just me. Or should I say it's just her.
Attracted to other people? We haven't made it that far in our talks.

Beautiful Disaster - you are right. I've never been so hurt and betrayed. It's been a VERY hard pill to swallow. As for the sparkles, before, we laughed a lot. The house was filled with it. Us, the children and our friends. That's been lacking recently. In the last week, with the last major stress in front of us, I have been like my old self and laughed more. When I laugh, she laughs. We truly make each other laugh. That is what I think she is talking about. It is not sex. Hasn't been much of that for the last month. And when it happens, it's almost mechanical - both of us.

As for now, we are talking and that's a start. I don't know what the future holds, but I can hope. But depression is not something I suffer with and I cannot relate.

D

Templayer, I'm in the very same boat and can understand. Wife and I- 12 years married, same thing- 11 yr old son. I was clueless until I found this site. I'm in love with my wife so deeply that the sex part can be whatever it is. She's the only woman I have ever Truly Loved. Brother, it's a love that is like nothing I've ever felt. Be patient, be kind, and above all stick by her side and tell her that you love her no matter what. I'm working hard to keep my marriage going, she wanted a divorce just 3 weeks or so ago. Now, she has seen my committment to her and she's committed as well. It's tough at best, but stick it out and just love her. She's the mother of your kids and that should be an incentive to get to know her in a new light. She obviously loves you, otherwise she would have left you a long time ago.
Just love her, hold her in your arms and tell her how much you want her in your life.

My wife and I have been sexual only 2 or 3 times a year. Hopefully that will change as I grow with a new mindset. We'll see how it goes, but I'm committed to her.

I can sympathize, since my wife told me something very similar, but I just can't offer any useful advice. I do know, having been divorced once before, that I don't want to go down that road again - at least not until our son is living on his own...

Originally Posted by Templayer

My wife had never found me sexually attractive.

Hello everyone. This is my first post.

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and she told me several weeks ago that she has never been sexually attracted to me.

A little history. She was 18 (and pregnant) when we got married. I was 22. She was 21 when we had our 2nd child, I was 25. She has a history of depression, but as far as I knew, this had not been an issue for at least 6 or more years.

As with a lot of people, our sex life has never been perfect. We have never really been on the same page. She now tells me that sex was never that important to her and that the lack of attraction was the major point.

The sad thing is that I have been ignorant of this fact for all of our marriage. We have had our ups ad downs, but over all we have a great relationship otherwise.

After she initially told me that there was a problem and that she didn't know if she wanted to stay married, it took me about a week to figure out what the problem was. Do to additional stresses in our lives that ha to be addressed, the issue was "dropped" for the last 2 weeks and we decided to act normal. She told me that she had decided to stay because aside from the bedroom, I make her very happy in every other aspect of our marriage. In truth, I didn't want to admit it out-loud or have her say it.

Last night, we talked about it. It is now out in the open. She has never, in 16 years, been sexually attracted to me. She said that she just ignored it and pushed it down. And now, she just wishes she had said nothing and things wouldn't be like this. There is a distance between us that I never experienced before with her.

She tells me I'm a perfect father and husband. That if she left, she could never find another man like me. We mesh so well together in all things, but the bedroom.

She tells me that it is all in her head and that it is not my fault. She is depressed right now, but she is starting to see the sparkles of our old relationship come back. But she cannot say that this is done or it won't come back. And if it dose come back, that it won't destroy us.

Our son is almost 16 and our daughter is almost 13. I come from a broken home that lacked communication. I vowed that it wouldn't happen to me. Her parents are married still, but it lacks the physical touch or emotions. They have been married so long that it would be too difficult to try anything else. These are our roll models.

Right now, I am wondering if I can look at her the same, know what I know now.

I am asking for insight into this from any other women (or men) that have experienced this. If you have gone through this, did your marriage survive? Did you go through counseling? What happened to you and what was your experience?

D

Does she find any other men sexually attractive? Perhaps she's a closet lesbian?

You cant rely on what a depressed person says as being a realistic outlook on the past-or any issue.
If they had anything in perspective they wouldn't be depressed.
A lot of people have a brief honeymoon of sexual interest when a relationship starts- but this starts to fade after 6months and can be gone completely in a year or two.
From reading entries on this site it is par for the course. After that point the partner with the lowest drive runs the relationship.(Often into the ground)

Research Omega 3 fats and depression and sex drive. Try Fish oil or flax oil daily as a supplement. Low Vitamin D3 is also linked to depression and sex drive. (you get it from the sun)
If you have been through a harsh winter it could have partly caused it.
Have a long talk with her after the depression has lifted.
Good luck.