Thread: Relationship Masturbation Question(s)

Hello all, I have used this website for a lot of advice I have looked for, so thank you very much in advance here! I am looking for the honest opinion of an external (to my relationship) female so that is why I am registering and posting here. That said, here goes:

My wife and I have been together for 8 1/2 years now and married for 1 1/2 of those years. Our marriage has been great and I love her with everything I have to offer her. Something has been concerning to me however and I hope you can help to put my (over thinking) mind at rest.

When my wife and I first started dating she and I purchased a toy for her when I wasn't around since we didn't live together. This didn't bother me, I knew she masturbated at her house when I wasn't there and that was fine...I didn't think anything of it. Now that we live together, I had purchased some lingerie and a new toy for her that we could try using together. That didn't seem to work out well, because I just couldn't hit the right spots with the toy that she enjoyed.

This all said, we have a very regular love life, I can't lie and say we don't look at each other and ask for a quickie now and then because we are both interested in making love but don't have the time at night to go through foreplay and everything all of the time. What I am concerned with is more about myself than her (I think). It seems that now, I have a weird problem where I want to "catch" her masturbating. Not to say "in the act" but when she goes to work I check the vibrator to see if it was used and if it was I basically get this empty pit in my stomach.

When I asked her about it before, she could tell it had bothered me (again I don't know why now and not before) and said she would "never do it again." I have caught her since then but now she is hiding it which hurts me more than anything else. She will make sure the vibrator is back in place and looks like nothing was moved as well as delete the specific history on her computer showing she had looked at porn online. In my head, consciously, I want her to do this...it is her personal time and I am not around to make her happy but subconsciously it is really bothering me and I can't get it to stop. If I talk to her about it, she apologizes for doing it and she shouldn't have to apologize...I don't want that type of relationship.

She seems to do it when she is "bored". That has also been her excuse, basically when she doesn't have a scheduled shift during the day (multiple days in a row) she is bored and so she masturbates. Again, consciously this is GOOD...but I can't break my subconscious and I am hoping you can help! PLEASE!

She also seems to do it the day after a great night of passionate love making. Massage Oil, Great Foreplay, me fingering her until she has an orgasm (or two) and then great love making thereafter. Again the day after she is also bored and alone at home while I am at work on a regularly scheduled shift.

I have expressed my interest in seeing her masturbate and that it would really turn me on but she is too shy to try it.

I kinda just kept typing here but I really hope you can shed some light on what is wrong with me more than anything. I hope she isn't doing this because I am not satisfying her in the bedroom department and she explains that she only uses the vibrator on her clitoris, she doesn't penetrate with it because it "feels wrong" to her. (When I tried this she REALLY didn't like penetration with any of the vibrators she has had.)

Thanks again and I look forward to hearing your honest and open thoughts.

Hi get her a vibe specifically for clitoral stimulation. Use it on her during foreplay and when making love. Do not give it her- it is yours to use on her. Keep control of it.
When she is close to coming ask her to take it over so you can concentrate on her vagina.
Once you have done this a few times she will be more comfortable with doing it front of you. Remember slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
Also use massage as foreplay- once she is addicted to it nothing can beat it.
There is always time for foreplay- if you are doing it right it will be better than the sex.

Don't know if this is the case with her but for a good number of women the more sex they have the more they want. So maybe her self-pleasuring after a passionate night with you is a compliment to your skills.

If she is still having sex with you, but only masturbating when you aren't around, try not to worry. If you think she is replacing you with the toy, that is a different problem.

This post seems odd to me. What you're describing is male type behavior (erasing porn history?) Also, if 86 is your birth year that doesn't really square with being married 8 1/2 years. This sounds to more like a fantasy than a problem, but will be interested to hear some women's reactions.

They have only been married 1 1/2 years Jimbeau but have been together for 8 1/2 years. I too was very shy about this, however, I loved introducing it into the bedroom and I do play by myself on occasion. It has nothing to do with anything lacking on his behalf but more me wishing it were him. I will also agree with your wife, its more of a clitoral stimulant not about penetration. I think Oxy has a really good suggestion. I love when my husband asks me about my "friend" joining us in bed every now and again. Try to introduce these elements to her gently, maybe she would like to watch porn with you but at the same time when you confront her its embarrassing and she feels the need to apologize for something that is natural. Be patient and understanding,

Well the timing of it (after a night of great sex) makes perfect sense... its not a lack of satisfaction leading her to it... its that you gave her such a good feeling its still on her mind. Waya hit on something very true for many sexual women -- the more they have, the more they want, the better it is, the more they crave the sensations. I can go days without feeling horny, but once my boyfriend gives me one of those powerful forget my name type orgasms, I am on a rampage of horny for days.

She likely wakes up thinking of how good you made her feel and wants to feel it again. Unless she is refusing sex with you, and using the vibe instead... this isn't really a problem in my opinion.

And... if you like sex with your wife, this is a REALLY good thing for that... again, the more sex is on the forefront of her mind, the more she will want it with you.

Its so different with men and this stuff especially for men that are done for the day after an orgasm. A lot of guys lose interest in actual sex after masturbation, for most women, their drive for sex INCREASES after masturbation. We become more sexually responsive, where as men tend to lose responsiveness... its a totally different ball game.

So you should really look at the positives that you have a sexual significant other... which means lots of pleasure in store for you. As far as her being shy about it, maybe introduce it slowly, by having her masturbate DURING sex... rather than putting on a show for you, it will be less awkward and more in the heat of the moment.

Originally Posted by waya

Don't know if this is the case with her but for a good number of women the more sex they have the more they want.

My gf is this way exactly; after a night - or morning, or afternoon! - of passionate lovemaking, doing it again is all she can think about, and my emailbox begins to fill with some very racy notes!
And she masturbates, but that doesn't bother me.

86virgo, you might just ask her sometime to let you watch while she masturbates - you might find it very "stimulating..."

This post made me sad, 86virgo. You have no marital or sexual problems, yet I think you are probably making her feel like a criminal. One of the things that scares me about marriage--though I am with my best friend and lover and I want to share everything with him--is that you seem to no longer be able to have ANYTHING for yourself.

I agree with what others have said on here--that she is probably doing it because it's been good with you and it turns her on later thinking about it. I have done this. The better I'm turned on/the better my sexual experiences, the more I want to masturbate and the more I think about sex. If I feel uphappy (in past relationships this is the case here), it's the last thing on my mind, and I'm not interested in sex OR masturbation.

So, you need to find help for yourself and stop making her feel and sound like a criminal. (edit) You should be PROUD of anything. Having that privacy can help foster a health everything else.