(Sorry, this is much longer than I intended!)

Having spent 10 years being able to avoid the issue of anal sex because my boyfriend wasn't interested, I now find myself with someone who is. I'm generally on the uncomfortable side of things in terms of sex anyway. I've found my comfort zone over the years and so long as you stay within that you'd never know I've got any hangups, you wouldn't even think I was inhibited at all. But my early experiences with sex - too young, not violent but not consenting, feeling that I was irrelevant in the situation - have shaped me considerably. I learnt very early on (and wish I hadn't) that when I didn't like something I could just switch myself off from it and lie and say I was fine. But I learnt that this does me no good in the long run and it's better to go through the discomfort and awkwardness of saying no than deal with the feelings a negative experience evokes in me later. Unfortunately I learnt this too late.

My new boyfriend is amazing and I completely trust him; I've even been able to talk about sex and what I like/want in ways I've never been able to before. So in general I'm a lot more open to things than I used to be. I realised pretty early on that he was probably into anal, and it made me feel deeply uncomfortable. I just hoped I was wrong and it would never come up but it did. As soon as anything goes near it I clam up but my old defences kicked in and I just didn't say anything. The first experience was about 6 months ago, not full sex just a finger. I hated it but let him do it; switched off and pretended it wasn't real like I used to. But I hardly slept that night and couldn't think about anything but how disgusting I felt about myself (and how angry I was with myself that I'd let it happen) all the following day. So eventually that day I managed to talk to him about it, which was cripplingly uncomfortable (we'd only been together a month or so) but I knew it had to be better than how I was feeling. Of course, he was devastated that he'd done anything to hurt me but we talked about it and it was all fine.

As I'm relaxing more I'm finding I'm more interested in being adventurous, and I've been thinking about trying it again for a while, mostly because I find myself wanting it when I'm already really turned on, something which surprised me! So yesterday I let him try it again (still not full sex), and physically I absolutely loved it, immediately and very conclusively! However, I still feel extremely uncomfortable about it and as soon as the intellectual part of my brain switched back on I found I started panicking and couldn't cope with it. Being better now at expressing myself I didn't just block it out but got him to remove his finger and we carried on and it was all fine.

But now I'm in the strange position of being intrigued by it, finding that physically I really enjoy it, but still being emotionally very uncomfortable about it and I don't really know what to do. I could just accept that I'll never be someone who can handle anal sex and just leave it at that. We discussed it last night so I know that it doesn't really bother him one way or the other - obviously he'd like to but if I don't that's totally fine. But I usually try to 'get over' things I feel I can't cope with, in all areas of my life, so I don't necessarily just want to accept this one; it feels like admitting defeat.

Of course there's a twist though. I've always been uncomfortable about the idea of anal which I don't think is that unusual, but last summer I had my first proper experience with it. The whole encounter was pretty horrible even without anal being involved. It was forceful and on his agenda; I was pushed around and held down and nearly choked. I felt completely irrelevant and objectified, and terrified. So I switched off and just let it happen (this was an extremely low point in my life; I was breaking up with my partner of 11years at the time). He asked if I was ok and I lied and said I was fine; he had no way of knowing that I wasn't. I would just explain this to my boyfriend only it happened with his brother (who I've known for years), and months before I even knew my boyfriend properly let alone thought anything might happen between us.

I don't know if this experience isn't just too much to get over if I can't discuss it with my boyfriend. I've thought about trying to explain the incident without reference to when or with whom but I don't know if that would be possible. But I don't see how I could possibly tell him that his brother made me feel like this when they're so close. If he asked me any direct questions I know I wouldn't be able to lie, and I don't want to damage his relationship with his brother.

So I don't know what to do really. I'd like to at least try and get over it rather than admit defeat. If I then have to accept that it's not for me that's fine, but I hate giving up. Does anyone have any ideas about how I can help myself get over my inhibitions about it and feelings that it's wrong (which extends ultimately to the feeling that my own pleasure is wrong and unacceptable)? It's a tall order, I appreciate that, but I can but ask.

Thank you

Elcat