someone's opinion HELP ME!!

**BrandtJ** · 05-17-2011 02:52 AM

Hello all,

Here's my situation. I'm engaged and set to be married in September. My fiance and i are both 27, and live together as of June '10. I'll try not to ramble too much, but will also try to be detailed and as fair as possible for her side of things.

After we had been together for about 6 months or so, her lease was upcoming at her house w/her best friend. She needed a place to go, and we weren't trying to rush things by her moving in. I guess, it was never really talked about now that i think about it. . .Anyway, at my place one night about a week prior to the move she mentioned moving in with her (guy) friend (whom i never met at this time). She said she used to have a "school girl crush" on him in the past. I assumed it was years ago, and didn't ask any questions assuming the best case scenario. Mind you our sex life the first 6 months was great, satisfying, and spontaneous. . .unlike now.

After about 6 weeks or so of her living with him i get this vibe that something just doesn't feel right when they're around each other. I wasn't concluding that thye were screwing around, but i hope you know what i mean by "a feeling". Anyway, they'd show up to our friends places together, and me and her would go from there, but i felt like the 3rd wheel in my own relationship becasue it was everywhere it seemed, and ppl would refer "blank name & blank name, are coming, blah". I felt left out (sorry maybe i'm a baby)

I'm a cop in IA, and worked 2nd shift. At the time i was working a lot of extra overtime so i could get some extra toys and such. I'll also note that when i said "sure, move in w/him" i met him once, and thought awww what the . I also didn't value our relationship a lot at the time, and really didn't care if she would've screwed around on me.

With that in mind, i talk to our mutual friend "C". She deemed to inform me that my GF and her roommate were intimately involved, but not labeled BF/GF. She said she didnt know all the details, but thought she wanted a relationship w/him, but he didn't wanna be committed. Well it didn't last very long and then they stopped talking for awhile, and then he'd show up periodically.

I freaked out, and called her on it one day after i got home from work. I gave her ample opportunity to come forth with the truth to me, but didn't tell her how i found out for sure. SHe denied, denied, denied, and then eventaully said "why's it matter?" That was he rway of admitting to it. I wouldn't have cared if they never lived together, but i thought that was a bit wrong of her not to tell me the facts. After all this we agreed that it'd be best for US if they didn't talk anymore (Which i felt bad, and stupid for asking that, but given the circumstances) I also confronted him, and talked with him about it, and asked that of him and he agreed, but also said "we should get together for a beer sometime." I thought i made it clear i didn't like him? I later caught her secretly hanging out w/him at a bar when i was working into 3rd shift one night, after we agreed on the above.

Well a couple weeks ago i found out from her it was about 4 times they "did it". During that argument she also said "if i wanted to jump his bones, i would've done it when i first moved in there" but she said nothing ever happened while thye lived together and the last contact they had like that was approx. 2 yrs ago (from the time i found out). Also at the time she told me that when they were hanging out/living together she said "You weren't there for me, he was" but said that he never even as much as came into her room, "Out of respect for me, and her".

Our sex life since March '10 has dwindled down from 3x or more/week to one time at the most. Usually its every 10 days or so. She says she feels pressured by me, and she has said she feels fat. I try to boost her self esteem by telling her how beautiful she is and stuff, but nothing makes her want to be affectionate w/me. I'm to the point where i need the intimacy, and i'm not getting it and i suspect that she maybe did mess around w/him 1nce while they lived together, and as a result she feels guilty, and feels like she can't have sex w/me because of that. Does that make sense. She also said that they were drunk together many times during that time, and the scary thing for me, is i know she loses control when she gets too drunk, and sometimes doesn't remember what happened the night before. SHe doesn't seem to be the "type to cheat", but w/alcohol you never know. What do you think? Am i overthinking or what? I've been freaking out lately because i feel if someone doesnt get caught doing it, there's no incentive for them to come forth with the truth about it.

Thoughts please!!!

**oxy-moron** · 05-17-2011 03:29 AM

Run- and don't look back. Read your own post again as if it was a friend telling it to you about his fiancée.
If you were a good friend you would tell him to run- wouldn't you?

Good luck

**Mes T** · 05-17-2011 03:42 AM

In a sense I agree with oxy-moron!

I'm sorry you're having these feelings, I can definitely relate and know how much it sucks to be worried about this stuff. About being the third wheel with your own partner... UGH do I know that feeling!

Your fiancee's situation seems highly suspicious to me. Moving in with a guy she's had "history" with... not sure what she was thinking. Yes there are lots of people who can be great friends with ex's or past "flings" but to me this is needlessly going above and beyond.

I'm also getting the sense that you're convinced you're right and are desperate to CATCH them doing something to prove it. Many people have been in similar situations and that often leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. The more mistrusting you are, the more you'll push her away.

It's interesting that you've posted this issue in the "sex" forum instead of the "relationship" forum. Is the lack of sex your biggest concern?

It's hard for me to comment on the sex aspect of it because that's SUCHHH a common issue (have a look around the forums), could be a result of ANYTHING. I think it's unlikely that it's SOLELY a result of her possibly cheating on you.

**spurzzz** · 05-17-2011 06:04 AM

Hi BrandTJ: welcome to the forums

Just want to start of by saying how sorry I am that you are going through this emotional turmoil that really is one big mess.....you seem like a nice guy and unfortunately for the nice fish they come across a shark every once in a while.

And that is what she is, a shark. She can smell your blood and play you like your a little rag of seaweed in the sea. That is exactly what she is doing, have no second thoughts about it. Your dignity and self pride went out the door as soon as she moved in with that guy and any respect she had for you went too.....she is messing you about and manipulating both you and that other guy through her selfish insecure nature and cannot see beyond her own pityfull existence.

You do realise she loves the other guy and not you? No? Well realise it now.......she doesn't give a flying coop who you are and doesn't respect you in any way possible at all....you are just a fuel in her sick games with her ex. Actions speak louder than words and her actions speak VOLUMES!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!
But spurzzz how can you be so sure? We have had so many good times together and the emotions are so strong at times I just think she is confused and really loves me blah blah blah? I've been there....sat in your chair and experienced the same walk that you are going through. I have been the "third wheel" in the relationship, the endless drama, the wanting to "catch them in the act" the hoping and longing that they will change.........I learn't my lesson and now it is time for you to learn yours.

You know the truth but keep going back.....why? Ask yourself? You have pushed your principles of love and honour down the toilet countless times with this woman why? If you saw the same situation on Jerry Springer you would be screaming at the TV at how stupid the person who stuck around was right?

and i'm not getting it and i suspect that she maybe did mess around w/him 1nce while they lived together........and feels like she can't have sex w/me because of that

SHe doesn't seem to be the "type to cheat"

Do not deny the truth when it is written in stone cold writing in front of you.....you will never get a coward to admit they are wrong so don't bother trying. You want to salvage your ego and self pride? Get that low life out of your life right now and tell her where to go.....no looking back. Oh she will go back to him and be in his pants before you can count your chickens but who cares.....your out!!!! Is he the winner? Hahahaha?

Don't ever speak to her again and get yourself better through understanding yourself and the situation you were involved in. It is hard at first no doubt, your conflicting emotions will try and justify an excuse to go back, to speak to her one more time, you gotta be strong....

Time heals, look into any co-dependancy issues you may have and look into the healing process of a toxic relationship.

Best of luck buddy. Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk more about things.

**WildChild** · 05-17-2011 08:08 AM

I think you need to put the wedding plans on hold or cancel them indefinitely, until you truly comfortable with your relationship or have determined to end it. Having an other gender roommate is one thing, this sounds like something else. A break up now will be a lot cheaper and less trauma than a divorce.
A woman looking forward to marriage with a man she loves does not get drunk with live in former boyfriends. Do you really want a wife who is so immature as to drink to the point of blacking out?
She may be telling you the truth, there may be no physical relationship, but if you can't trust each other how can you build a workable marriage?
If you have agreed to an open relationship, that requires an even higher level of trust really.
Right now you have very little trust in this.
She obviously doesn't trust you enough to be completely open and you don't know what the heck to believe from her.
At the VERY least cancel the wedding for another year.