Need help with little to no sexual interest

**Adaac41** · 05-31-2011 12:21 PM

Yes im a man, sorry if im not welcome here! But this is embarrassing. I really need help! I don't know where to turn. I need a women's opinion/input. My wife and I just turned 33, have been married for 8 1/2 years and we've been together for 15 years. We have 2 great boys (4 y/o and 15 months). We live in and own our house in a great neighborhood. No money problems. Get along great. Love being around each other. Love spending time with each other. People always tell us it is so great how much we are in love. People see us and think we're perfect, but where there is problems is in the bedroom. Frequency is lacking bad and my wife doesn't see a problem with it. We only have sex if I initiate and that's after days to weeks of trying or what feels like begging. Then when we do have sex it's barely satisfying. Mainly due to her seeming not interested and me having an underlying depression forming from this issue. We have sex maybe once a month and it is so hard just to get that to happen. I know or at least I think I know when we do have sex that she orgasms and is satisfied, cause unless she can control every pore in her body at the height of orgasm to make herself instantly sweat the way she does, then I know she's not faking. Lol...but seriously I tell her all the time it's not all about the "sex" per say. All though I'm not willing to leave it out. I always tell her if it was just "sex" I wanted I could go elsewhere, but I don't want to. I want her! I love my wife more than life itself! I could never cheat or ever leave her! Ok I know your gonna be shocked this is a straight guy writing this, but I need the closeness, the love, the cuddling, the unsolicited initiated act of affection towards me! Don't get me wrong my wife and I will hug and kiss each other passing in the kitchen sometimes and stuff like that, but that's where it ends. When it comes to intimacy her way of initiating is saying "I'm going upstairs so you better hurry up or I'm going to sleep" and that's after me hinting and joking about needing sex all day. I hate having to do that, it ruins everything, but if I don't it won't happen. This is not a new problem. It was alway a problem, but when we were dating she made me feel like it would get better after we were married. It didn't. She always makes excuses. I ask why it never happens unless I start and she tells me she doesn't think of it! Doesn't think of it?!?! Isn't that something that comes naturally when your love someone? We have only been with each other sexually. She tells me she loves me and couldn't imagine being without me? I ask then why don't you have a sexual attraction towards me? She says she does? And I always say the same thing where? A lot of times I initiate, she'll say "I'm tired...maybe tomorrow" which never happens! Ok let's say she is tired, I can honor that. But how is it she can stay up and watch Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, Bachlorette, or any other show that she is into. For that she can stay up? I always joke with her that her shows are more important than me. Before we had kids the joke was always no sex before 10:30 pm cause before that it seems like everything else was more important than me. Both my kids go to bed at 8pm and are good sleepers. Once they go to bed they don't even make a peep til morning and have been that way since 4m/o for 1 and 5m/o for the other. We're usually in bed by 10-10:30. I get up at 5:30am for work and she gets up with the kids usually around 7am then goes to work. She's home by 4-4:30pm and I don't get home til 7:30pm. She works a normal work schedule 5 days a week. I work 12 hour days 3-4 days a week so I stay home with the kids when she works. I just don't get it. I hate the feeling of not being loved. It upsets her that I feel that way. I tell her that I don't doubt she loves me, but I'm afraid she's confused about her love for me and that she really loves me like a family member and not a lover! There is only one way I understand loving someone so much and having no sexual attraction. That's how I love my mother and my kids! I talk to her and she knows a lot but I do hide some from her. She doesn't understand when I tell her it affects me in every aspect of my life. I tend to pretend I'm happy and I'm hurting so bad inside! I'm have constant chest pains from stress and I'm actually tearing up thinking about it. We'd talk about the intimacy issues and she'd tell me, you don't give me a chance. Then I would I would be silent about sex, no hints, clues, or initiations. Then 1-2 weeks would go by and I couldn't take it anymore and we were back to where we started. The first few years we were married we always talked about this and it usually ended with her crying and me apologizing that I even brought it up. I remember telling her I want to fix this before it destroys us. This went on sometimes a few nights a week, until a few years passed and I got tired of arguing about it. So I just hid my feelings and she thinks things got better. I just got tired of trying to fix things by myself. Now I'm scared because I am feeling like I want to just stop trying. I'm tired of rejection! I'm not willing to leave my wife, and she'd be devastated if I did. I hate thinking about the big D word in the back of my head! (Divorce not death, lol) I don't want it to come to that but I can't live like this anymore! I'm sitting at work writing this and I could easily break down into tears. I just don't know what to do! Please someone give me advice!

**herbie** · 05-31-2011 01:04 PM

I feel for you friend .The issue is with her if she can,t honestly tell you what is wrong she should go to counseling for help period.they will figure it out.First thing i would do is let her read your thread then wait for her response ......good luck.....

**ItsASecret** · 05-31-2011 01:40 PM

I ask why it never happens unless I start and she tells me she doesn't think of it! Doesn't think of it?!?! Isn't that something that comes naturally when your love someone?

I am not sure what to say about your situation but for this comment I can relate. I am only 22 and my bf and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We do love each other and I do enjoy sex but honestly I do not think about it that often, nothing makes me drool uncontrollably, nothing makes me sweat on instant thought, nothing gives me instant quivers and shivers of pleasure so I simply do not think about sex that often. I am extremely submissive, I hate the idea of being dominant or taking the lead and I always have to ask for how I should do something because I am not a spontaneous creative person...especially in the bedroom. However if he mentions something I will mostly likely do it without hesitation, so I am kinda passive about it I guess. I enjoy sex, like when new things are brought up, but I am not the type to bring things to the table or initiate. This has made my bf a bit upset simply because he says he is tired of initiating, and I understand that. I could probably go weeks without even a mention of sex on my part because I just do not think about it in a hypersexual way like my bf does. I am not saying you think of it in a hypersexual way, but my bf is 23 so he is raring to go the second he sees me and I am in no way like that it takes me a long time to get aroused enough to start having sex. Not sure if your wife is the same way, very submissive, not the dominating type even if it means taking the lead in initiation. Sometimes women are uncomfortable with taking that lead, even though they know they should from time to time.

**Adaac41** · 05-31-2011 02:32 PM

I understand what your saying, and yea she is a little like you, but I hate to say it like this but I feel like she just lays there and makes herself avail for me sometimes. I tell her all the time, that's not what I want! All I ask for is a little effort in pleasing each other. I work so hard to make sure I satify her and get her to orgasm everytime. Because of this sometimes its difficult for me to finish then it seems likes she gets bored and cringes her face like she's pain. That doesn't help me finish. I ask her if I'm hurting her she says no but it's getting uncomfortable. If I can't time finishing at the same time as her O. Then the sex sucks! Even when she doesn't seem like she's in pain she just lays there. I have to ask her to fake it to get me through! (I'm so glad I'm doing this anonymous) I just don't get it! On the initiation side, I tell her she doesn't need to do anything more than wear something sexy or even undress in front of me and kiss me. At night I try to get into bed before her, to give her that chance that she tells me I never give her and the only way I know something's gonna happen is cause she'll leave the light on before getting in bed. If she shuts that light, I know that she also shut herself off! She's not shy around me and has no problems being nude in front of me. Even when it comes to oral which I love giving and receiving. I have to ask. And she says oh I didn't know you want it...I tell her I'm a guy, if your giving I want it! No need to ask! And BTW I'm prob as ready if not more than your 23 bf and he will be too...it doesn't go away...lol

**oxy-moron** · 05-31-2011 05:55 PM

Hi

read this thread from the site.

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...sex-drive.html

Also go to the site associated with Cupids Poison Arrow and read about how Orgasms slowly poison your relationship. It is as nature intended as it helps to spread genes around.
Have a read- I am happy to discuss any questions you have.

**curiouswife** · 08-08-2011 03:09 PM

Ok, I think I can help you because I am a little like your wife. I am sure she loves you. Here is the potential problem. For a woman it is a lot of times more psychological than anything. If sh doesnt feel like she is sexy and you are attracted to her and only her then she doesnt feel like sex. Having two young children can also take a lot of her energy and make her forget about that part of her life. If she says you dont give her a chance, maybe you aren't giving her a long enough period. Think about it this way: You hint all day which makes her feel like you want sex any way you can get it. To her its like you just want sex, not need her. Then you back off for a week but she needs to see that even without sex you still need her in that way. So to her a week isnt really that much time. To you its a month. The other thing is joking about it just makes it seem even more like cheap sex because to her it appears its all you think about. When it comes to making love, You have to keep it serious and stay confident. A woman loves confidence in the bedroom. Sweep her off her feet. Try for a couple of weeks not talking about sex at all. Dont try for it or anything. A woman needs to know you want to touch her even when it isnt about sex. Randomly tell her how beautiful she is. If she gives you an opening to casually affirm your love, use it. EX. If she says,"do you want to go out to eat tonight?" you say something like," Ill go anywhere to be with you". Say it casually like it was the most natural thing and you didnt even have to think about it. If you dont put time into thinking an=bout how to flirt and it doesnt seem like you were trying to flirt it will have a bigger impact because of it. If she is standing at the kitchen counter, without a word come and hold her from behind. Still without a word kiss her and walk away. If you continue to do all of these things to make her feel loved, and cherished, like she is the only only you will ever want and desire she will come back to you on her own. When the love is there and she feels like your Goddess it will happen more and more. But in the bedroom dont get rough or "porn-ish" unless she asks for it. Keep it slow and tender and let her lead when she is ready.