re-Vamped wife giving me slight concern....

**Tod121** · 06-03-2011 06:41 AM

Hi ya
I have posted a few thread's along the lines of "my wife has no interest in sex" to "wow we have turned things around now" after taking the advice I have been given here but I have slight on-going concerns that things have now almost gone too far the other way and our libidos have swapped over.
I cant seem to kiss my wife now without her wanting more, which you would say is a fantastic achivement considering she had been rarely interested in sex for years to up to just a few months ago but when she wants it and Im not that fired up (had a long day, tired, etc) she gets in a mood with me!
Although I know it is wrong of me to spy, I had a look at her internet history the other day and found loads of "interesting" and unexpected sites listed, from "simple" page after page on a celeb she has mentioned a few times but I had no idea she was THAT interested in him, to sexy\graphic stories, to sex positions and techiques (again loads of pages on this), to sex toys and porn sites with blokes big bits hanging out. I am seriously expecting her to buy a vibrator soon (if she hasnt already got one) either just for her use or for "our" fun but from a blokes point of view this surely would be for her benefit and somewhat replacing me, I doubt she'd be happy if I bought a Fleshlight (google it if you havent heard of this) or blowup doll!
To some, there may be nothing wrong in any of this but this is troubling for me as this is a massive turn around in HER behavour. Whilst there is no obvious harm, Im worried that due to her new lust levels and my libido now seems on the low side compared to hers, and friends and relatives have comented that she appears bored, Im concerned she may become a fully fledged "bored housewife" and accuse me of ignoring her and ultimately show intest in other "house husbands" who drop their kids of at the school who offer her a "coffee" instead of going back to do the "boring housework". I know I may sound paranoid or insecure but its all too much of a turnaround for me.

**WildChild** · 06-03-2011 09:00 AM

Time to switch gears, it may not be so much a matter of frequency of sex as of intensity and quality. Check out the Books on Sex thread, which is stickied to the top of the Sex forum. Start doing men's kegels, that will give you more control and often makes a man harder, which is something that often diminishes as bit as you mature.
Look into things like Karrezza, tantra and pompoir. Get the books, The Art of Sexual Ecstacy, One Hour Orgasm and Extended Massive Orgasm. You should both go through them. This will help move things in a different direction, away from the pornish, self focused sex industry images and into a very connected, higher level of sexual intimacy.

**Tod121** · 06-03-2011 09:39 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Time to switch gears, it may not be so much a matter of frequency of sex as of intensity and quality. Check out the Books on Sex thread, which is stickied to the top of the Sex forum. Start doing men's kegels, that will give you more control and often makes a man harder, which is something that often diminishes as bit as you mature.
Look into things like Karrezza, tantra and pompoir. Get the books, The Art of Sexual Ecstacy, One Hour Orgasm and Extended Massive Orgasm. You should both go through them. This will help move things in a different direction, away from the pornish, self focused sex industry images and into a very connected, higher level of sexual intimacy.

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I've not looked at these guides as yet but when we have sex it is by no means rushed or over in a flash, from start to finish it lasts between 1hr-1 1/2 hrs. and Ive made sure she has orgasmed before I do, often several times and twice now she has "squirted" which I understand to be a very intense orgasim indeed. I can maintain an errection for quite a while especially if she is working away on me, although I do fade a bit if I am focused on her but isnt that normal?

**WildChild** · 06-03-2011 10:04 AM

These books discuss and teach some different techniques and attitudes. Moving into sacred sex takes it to a different level of connection. You are still thinking conventional sex.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-03-2011 03:14 PM

I look at all sorts of stuff online. I'm not married but if I were or had a guy living with me who looked through my history he'd probably come up with all sorts of things in his mind that are far from true. I'm a curious person, I like to look around, one things leads me to another thing and then another etc. I think unless I found her joining adult sites to meet others I'd be minimally concerned with what she searches online. This, is one of the many reasons I have little interest in marrying or living with someone. I value my privacy, and I want someone who values my privacy as well. When you search her searches, it leaves you to come up with in your own mind why she was looking at this or that. Do you look at porn? Does a sexy girl turn you on a bit? Do you masturbate? If so, then you can't say alot about her doing those things as well. As for vibrators, I have never considered a vibrator a man replacement. They are totally different and are often a wonderful addition to a sex life. For a woman, depending on her build, masturbating with fingers can be difficult and uncomfortable (unable to "hit the spot" so to speak). Her using a dildo or vibrator to masturbate with is no different than you using your hand, IMO.

I guess it's the classic, "too much of a good thing". One extreme or the other, seeking a happy medium. I hope you are able to find it. Just remember that back when you weren't getting the sex you wanted, you were probably taking care of it yourself alot, right? So now, her sex drive is rampant and you don't want it as much as she does...... so whats the hurt in her taking care of it herself?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-03-2011 03:21 PM

IMO why are people telling you that your wife seems "bored?"...

I can only conclude that she has told them that and that, has nothing to do with sex, rather what else happens in her life other than housework?

Sounds to me that she is finding herself and sex is only one component of that.. Your fear of that is what she may "look" for outside of the house I don't think is your concern...

Your concern should be, what makes her laugh? Interests her? And, how can the two of you start a date night, once a week and do things that make you both laugh...

No woman enjoys "just" tending to a house and I appreciate you work, but like everything in life, it takes effort to keep it total and happy.

CW

**Texasred** · 06-03-2011 04:22 PM

Originally Posted by Tod121

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...I can maintain an errection for quite a while especially if she is working away on me, although I do fade a bit if I am focused on her but isnt that normal?

Yes it is normal.
You know, you were complaining she used to not be interested enough in sex? Maybe that's because on occasion you were turning HER down because you were (quoting you, now) "...not that fired up (had a long day, tired, etc)."
How about, in a case like that, you just play along anyway, just for her benefit?
You wouldn't necessarily have to go for hours to please her, and who knows? your attitude might change mid-stream, so to speak!
A little consideration like this can pay huge benefits in the long run. It's possible she'd return the favor some night when you were horny and SHE was tired, had a hard day, etc.
Good luck,
TR

**kira** · 06-03-2011 04:25 PM

My husband learned not to snoop on my browsing history.

He also knows to let me entertain myself when he hasn't been in the mood. He's bought me several toys as presents for that purpose. It's not a replacement. It's no different than you masturbating if your wife hasn't wanted sex in a month. Everyone needs release. Being able to release some of that energy yourself helps keep the relationship balanced since rarely does both people's sex drive perfectly line up. My husband also often uses toys on me when he doesn't want sex or finishes quickly and I take care of his needs when I'm on my period and don't want sex. It's just much easier for guys to reach orgasm without help from things like vibrators and fleshlights (I do keep offering to buy him a fleshlight). It's impossible for me to have an orgasm without using something. I've been masturbating since before I started having my period and that was pretty early and fingers have never been enough. No one can make me orgasm with just fingers. I got rather creative as a teenager before I could buy proper toys.

**oxy-moron** · 06-03-2011 05:58 PM

Tod121.
The old saying- be careful what you wish for applies here.
You have raised her Oxytocin levels and now have a tigress.
WC is correct about the Karezza and Tantra. If I was not doing Karezza I would not be able to keep up with my wife. She does not do Karezza and is now able to have multiple Os. ( In a new relationship Oxytocin will initially be high and drift down over six months to 2 years and this helps to provide early sex drive)- That drive will be focused on the relationship whereas the Oxytocin you create in her with touch could be focused elsewhere as well.
Remember that you are providing the Oxytocin and can back it off your self if you like.
As it took time to raise it then it will also take time to lower it.
The sexual activity will boost it and Orgasms will diminish it so sex itself should be largely neutral as far as Oxytocin goes.
My wife also seems to addicted to massage now and is asking for it very frequently.
I will not back off myself as I have benefited from high Oxytocin in ways similar to those described in Taoist writings.

Good luck- keep in touch.

PS When I say Karezza- you can start by avoiding Orgasm yourself for a while.
Go to health food shop and get some Maca. Research it yourself first though.

**rcoreyus** · 06-03-2011 11:08 PM

I think its absolutely fine for people to enjoy reading or watching things they find exciting on the web, and to take care of themselves with or without toys as they please... IF they only occasionally reject their partner's desire for intimacy. In Tod121's case, I think it is OK for your wife to entertain herself however she want since she is also happy to be intimate with you - I don't think you need to be worried about being replaced.

The people who have a legitimate complaint are the ones who are constantly being turned down by their SO's and then find their SO's turning to porn or to toys.