First timer and no "help"

**shayne24** · 06-12-2011 12:58 AM

I'm new here, so forgive me....

(and hopefully my randomness is okay for this forum!)

I just barely became sexually active, almost 23... I feel totally embarrassed but I really know next to nothing! I didn't even get "the talk" from my mom. I felt pretty good about that until it started to matter. haha. My boyfriend has had partners before me so he obviously knows what he's doing, but he's my first - which I guess in a sense is a bit intimidating for me but yet helpful? I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway, he is really "gifted" down there (seriously, giving him a bj is like "open wide!") but it makes sex kind of painful. We use lube - I'm on antidepressants and they definitely kill the wetness factor - but it still hurts a little, mostly on first penetration. But even with that, I can't really feel him inside me much other than when it hurts. Is that normal? I wish I could just talk to my sisters or mom or something, but having sex without being married is like next to murder in my family and you can just forget masturbation. Any time I've tried it I've never been able to get further than like an involuntary "shudder" and a "feel good" experience. It's kinda problematic during sex too because I can't help him help me. I can make him come every time - oral or inside - but I can never seem to get more than just "excited." He really wants me to get everything out of it (of course that includes orgasm!) I really am okay with not having an orgasm right now but he doesn't seem to think it's enough that I really enjoy pleasuring him and making him come.

I'm also really self conscious. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, but I'm really not even comfortable in my own skin, much less showing it off for him. I suppose I need a bit of a vote of confidence there. I know that can put a damper on the quality of sex (for lack of a better way to put it.) We have a LDR and I only see him every few months because his work takes him away and so we kinda go crazy when we get together (think rabbits. haha) and I without fail get "honeymoonitis" (a UTI). Can I be more prone to getting a UTI since he's so big? He has also told me that I need to make sure I "clean up" afterwards - meaning ridding my body of his semen - because my vagina will get gross if not?

Hopefully someone can make heads or tails of this post. haha. Thanks for at least "listening!"

~Embarrassingly uneducated~

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-12-2011 02:08 AM

Hi shayne

You write well has anyone ever told you that before?

Mam, you know how nothing happens over night? Same with sex, you have never experienced it, you would be conscious of his size, what he's doing, how it feels just on the in out experience that your mind hasn't let go to relax and enjoy it, together with the bonding, loving side and that takes time..

Does he "go down on you" excuse the wording, given obviously you give him bj's....because that's another thing that heightens it all for you.

How does he perform haha no I mean, you said it's like rabbits so unless he really gets deep and works it properly it can feel like in, out, in, out, yet if he takes his time, teezes you so you don't know what he's going to do next, goes deep then plays a bit, then goes deep again I bet you'll also start to feel something more... Just because he's had other sexual partners before doesn't mean he has learnt you, you two are your own selves and now you get to find out what you like and what he likes.

Antidepressents for sure will kill the wetness, and that could be that you need more lube to start with and he needs to enter gently not a bullet at a gate if it hurts straight away, nothing to do with size as we all accomodate all sizes as from the sounds of it you open up just fine.

UTI.. lol's that your vagina will get gross..But, yes it's good to clean up after, to avoid any bad bacteria that can otherwise create problems such as BV, which gives of a fishy smell, odor perhaps he's dealt with this before?

So long distance, how long have you two been together? Sounds exciting your first real love.

CW

**cdext41** · 06-12-2011 12:23 PM

i don't know what to say besides i was going to post about almost the exact same thing until i read this. so i can relate, and would love to hear any one else's advice about what to do about all this.

i'm the same deal. boyfriend is more experienced and i recently lost my virginity to him. we've had sex about 10 times since and sex is still a little painful on entry. entry is less painful as long as we continue to use lube and he's on top, but i haven't really felt "pleasure" from it yet. it's more just a somewhat uncomfortable feeling as he goes in and out. when he goes deeper i feel a different feeling but its certainly not pleasureable...and i make sure he goes slowly. i wonder sometimes how long it's going to take until penetration is physically enjoyable for me. right now i enjoy making him feel good and feeling emotionally connected to him, but unless he performs oral on me i dont really get any physical pleasure from it.

i also have never been able to achieve orgasm on my own and not from him either. with oral and fingering i am able to feel good and enjoy but after a while i get a raw, overly-sensitive feeling in my clit and that feels uncomfortable.

**jns** · 06-12-2011 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by cdext41

i also have never been able to achieve orgasm on my own and not from him either. with oral and fingering i am able to feel good and enjoy but after a while i get a raw, overly-sensitive feeling in my clit and that feels uncomfortable.

As a woman gets sexually aroused, her clitoris gets hard and sticks out from under its hood. If direct stimulation of it is done at this time, it can many times be too much and the woman feels uncomfortable or even feels pain. It is much better to do the stimulation through the hood in such cases. If more pressure is needed, a wet lip over teeth can provide more pressure. Use head movements in that case to create rubbing action. If the woman gets pleasure from tongue penetration, say around the urethral sponge or in the vagina, the same technique can be used to continue clitoral stimulation orally.

Beyond that, the guy should build up on action and then after say several minutes back off a little bit but not quit. Then he should go at it again. Several cycles of this should get you to a heightened state of sexual tension.

**shayne24** · 06-12-2011 02:02 PM

Actually I have been told that I write well. People who read whatever I write often tell me I should be a writer. Of course I'm a bit stubborn when it comes to taking a compliment like that sometimes.

Anyway, he and I have been together (or at least as together as you can get with an LDR haha) for a couple years now and have talked a little about getting "hitched". Of course he's a bit leery of that, but we haven't made any firm plans or anything yet. I have had other boyfriends, but none as serious nor as amazing. He really is the most chivalrous man I have ever met!

Oh, and by the way CW, I love the quote in your signature. AWESOME!! I'll have to pass that on to my man. He always loves a good laugh.

**Crystalblue** · 06-12-2011 02:06 PM

I went through the same exact thing with my husband when I was 19. I had never had sex before and was inexperienced even pleasing myself. He had been with lots of partners and it was a little intimidating for me at first, not knowing what he expected from me. I had the same problems of not feeling much pleasure, but being ok with just pleasing him.

What made things more enjoyable for me, was getting to know my body, what I liked, how I liked to be touched, and what got me in the mood. Experimentation was the key & taking the time to relax and be comfortable with him & myself. Just having fun making each other feel good.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-12-2011 02:19 PM

What made things more enjoyable for me, was getting to know my body, what I liked, how I liked to be touched, and what got me in the mood. Experimentation was the key & taking the time to relax and be comfortable with him & myself. Just having fun making each other feel good.

Just because he's had other sexual partners before doesn't mean he has learnt you, you two are your own selves and now you get to find out what you like and what he likes.

It's a whole new world, as long as he is willing and you are willing to explore positions, touches, it will be an exciting journey.

For instance, we all have spots, mine is on my back at the end of my spine and I love being touched anywhere but there waiting and knowing that it will happen, and so, in that wonder, I get excitied

On the other notes

Well see I am a complete stranger and I said you write well, so it must be true and glad you like my signature.......

**WildChild** · 06-12-2011 02:57 PM

Just because he is more experienced than you are doesn't mean he has Any idea how to really pleasure a woman. Many women fake it and don't communicate well and as result the men think that their bumbling around is good or that no foreplay at all is just fine - they are getting off. It is very possible that all his greater experience may mean is that he knows what works for him or that he has some bad habits. Don't let the differences in your experience level intimidate you.

Every woman is different. What lights up one's world may turn off another. Every time is different too, so what really gets you going today, may not tomorrow.

You need to own your sexuality, your arousal and your orgasm. Learn to bring yourself to orgasm. You may find the book, "The Orgasm Loop", helpful with that. Another good one would be, "Getting Off A Woman's Guide to Masturbation". These are both written by female sex therapists. I have met Jayme Waxman, who wrote, Getting Off and she is a riot! How can you tell a man what you need from him if you don't know what it is?

That "shutter" you have felt was probably a mini orgasm. Rockets don't go off. Orgasm comes in many forms, sometimes its a series of waves of pleasure, other times it could be one intense burst. I think the best is when you build it up and take it down and build it up and take it down, over and over, this builds the intensity and duration. The Welcomed Consensus defines orgasm as any time your genitals feel better than the rest of your body but most of us what something a bit more than that.

DO NOT take porn as your guide, it does not reflect the real experience of women's sexual pleasure or arousal.

**shayne24** · 06-12-2011 03:16 PM

I really am not worried about being compared to the other women nor honestly am I all that worried by his experience. We talked about it and I realized that we're from different backgrounds and have different beliefs. For a long time he felt like sex was a necessary expression of love - that to have a real loving relationship this was vital. But then I came along and totally messed everything up for him. hehe. I told him for a long time that I wasn't going to have sex until I was married.. and he actually came to accept that. It was kind of funny (to me) when we finally did have sex because he was totally caught off guard, having convinced himself that he would wait for me. Every now and again he will remind me of how it made him feel the first time we had sex and how he gets off thinking about it. He has told me many times (and I whole-heartedly believe it!) that he doesn't think about the others women he has been with in the past any more, he only thinks about me and being in the moment. He also tells me on a somewhat regular basis how excited he gets because of me and how he can make himself come by thinking about me (of course with a bit of manual help.... haha). That was quite awkward to hear for awhile, I won't lie, but now it's starting to feel a little more like an "awwww thanks" kind of thing.

I suppose things will get better and more comfortable as I change my way of thinking from "eeew!" to "Heck yeah!" haha. Oh the joys of growing up "under a rock" in a small town. I kept myself quite uninformed and was happy that way, but now I realize my beliefs had gone a bit too far when it came to sex. Honestly, I'm really glad I didn't wait until marriage. Our relationship has grown so much closer and smoothed over some rough spots and questions (imagine him wondering and worrying about whether we were sexually compatible after all his experience! haha)

Thanks everyone for the comments and help!