Thread: Boyfriend is a Passive Aggressive Sex Addict who Prefers Masturbation to Sex with Me

Hi

If your children are old enough to leave home you have more options. Like leaving home yourself.
He is hitting a kind of midlife crisis- he has slipped into porn - and this would have been a distraction at first. But it has slowly dragged him in. Then to Escorts.
If he is in denial there is not much you can do- he has to acknowledge that there is a problem for him to do anything about it.
Maybe you could have an extended stay with friends or relatives?
Living in that environment cant be good for you.

There's nothing worse than the feelings of "I'm going crazy?" when a partner won't just be honest with you. I feel for you in this. It brings me to think, why is it that a man who is single, masturbates constantly and hires young women for sex is labeled a TOTAL creeper............ yet when a married man does it, he's not labeled a creeper, but a man who must have some other underlying issues? I don't get it.

Your husband cheated on you. He had an affair. In addition to that, he paid for it. With that money, he could've planned a VERY nice night out with his wife. He made a choice. Another issue, he is not considering your needs. He makes no effort to satisfy you sexually. The fact that you even still want that level of intimacy with him says wonderful things about you. The fact that he is unwilling to make any effort in it, says alot of not so wonderful things about him. Again, he makes a conscious choice. Masturbation is fun.....people enjoy it...no biggie.... but you live in a home with a man and two young adults and your husband is ejaculating on hand towels and leaving them all crusted up for you to find? He's no fool, he's got at least 25 years experience with cum, he knows it dries up like concrete. He just doesn't care. He's only thinking of himself, what he wants, when he wants it and once again, is giving little to no thought of how it will make you feel. Once again, he is making a conscious choice to SHOW you that he doesn't care. But.........he's comfortable and doesn't want to be uprooted. So he lies.

Your situation must be incredibly frustrating. I have to wonder, for how many years have you been hanging on to a relationship with a man who gives such little thought to you or how you feel? Have you forgotten what it's like to be truly loved and desired by a man?

Originally Posted by WildChild

You've got a lot of drama going on it sounds like. CW asks some good questions, I would add to them. You are in a long term committed relationship. you have grown children together but apparently have separated on other occasions. Could you share some of that history? It might bring some perspective to all this.

Oh boy, well I will have to summarize 20 years. First off we met in high school but didn't date until after graduation. Not sure if I can call it dating though. He couldn't commit even back then but I was 19 and naive. He would call when it was convenient for him, see me when he wanted and then it seemed like all we did was have sex. I started seeing an older man I worked with when I realized I had a big relationship hole to fill that he was not fulfilling for me.

The beginning of this new relationship I found out I was pregnant with my current boyfriends child. My mother would not let me live at home, single and with child. She married me off to the older man (she arranged the whole wedding), I stopped answering his calls and never told him the child was his. I did tell my then husband that the baby wasn't his, he didn't care. I knew "D" (I will call the current boyfriend this from now on) wouldn't commit and wouldn't want to raise a child. My husband was an alcoholic and abused drugs, the marriage started falling apart 6 months in, I happened to see "D" while I was still married. We began to have an affair, we had sex, I got pregnant again. I felt horrible about it, decided to stop seeing "D" and do the right thing by my marriage. I had our daughter but when she was 2 months old the marriage ended for good. I moved back home with both children. We started seeing each other again but it was the same story, he wanted nothing to do the children, only wanted to see me when he wanted to and I knew I wanted more.

I let it end again, met another man I was with for eight years and had my youngest son with. When that relationship ended "D" and I hooked up again. Same story, I needed help with three young children but he wanted to come over after they were in bed, we never did anything other than have sex. I ended it again, just stopped answering his calls. Always when our "flings" ended I was the one who did it with no explanation really. So I always thought it was me, never that he had some underlying issue that kept him from having a real relationship. We then resumed the relationship 7 years ago, thinking we were more mature, the kids were older and that this would work. We had the 2 older kids DNA tested for his benefit I guess, I knew they were his. He seemed thrilled (except for blaming me that we were never together before, that I never told him). I knew he was always a bit anti-social, I think he had only been in a car together a half dozen times the first year. I went to his house, he never came to mine. I figured it an idiosynchrity I could put up with. We had so much in common and loved hanging out together, the sex was good too. Then the following year we had sex maybe 5 times the whole entire year. I started thinking it was me. I tortured myself. I brought it up, he claimed he wanted to see how the relationship would go without the sex. I know now that was . We then had more sex but it seemed different, I felt he was doing it more because I asked, not that he wanted to.

Our daughter by that time started having major behavioral issues, I never received child support from any of the men and worked hard to raise all three by myself. I wanted/needed help so I stuck it out. I found his huge porn collection two months before I moved in with him (our son and daughter had moved out on their own by this time and my youngest was living with his father). He got rid of it all before I moved in. Couldn't get rid of the addiction apparently though. It's hard to believe I was so naive, that I couldn't see all of this sooner. Once I started digging and doing research it all fell into place. I confronted him, he knew there was a huge chance I would leave him (should have left him) and sort of agreed that maybe he was a sex addict. Said he did Rehab when he was younger so he knew the steps and could beat this on his own. After all we'd been through I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted him to get professional help but he refused.

I still found him looking at porn on my computer, installed the spy software, told him about it and it seemed better. But it wasn't and here we are today. Our daughter had a baby in February, her behavior issues never improved and is in now in jail. We get the baby once a week and on every weekend. He resents this as well and I can tell he feels like HE is being punished somehow. This is another thing causing major problems with us. I was also diagnosed with Lupus five years ago and stress is a major flare inducer for me. He knows this but is too selfish apparently to try to limit it for me. Selfish, selfish, selfish. I do so much for everybody without asking anything in return. He tried saying during our confrontation that he does A LOT for me, favors, I asked like what? His answer? All the stuff he does for our kids. WHAT? Why is that a favor for ME? Why do I bear all the responsibility for them? I think he would prefer to sit in the house, play his stupid video game, watch porn, whack off, hook up with underage hookers and not have any one ask anything of him. I still can't believe it took me so long to see his true nature. It's such a shame, I love him so much and care about him but I can't fix him. Since the confrontation and me telling him I was moving out he has choose to pretend like the conversation never happened. Do I just move out or do I bring this up yet again???? Oh the stress!

Beautiful Disaster was right in that he acting like a single creeper even though he is in a relationship.
If you move out will you just give him another try in six months time.
All I can suggest is when you make your decision- stick to it- don't weaken and take him back- what you have got now is what he has always given you.
People with intimacy issues will feed off novelty like a vampire. After a while away from you he will again see you as novel and fresh- he will renew interest and chase you again- but you know what will happen next - it wont last and you will be under intense emotional pressure again.
Do not expose your grandchild to the same dysfunctional future.