Boyfriend literally has Zero sex drive

**kaylakay025** · 07-08-2011 08:12 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now, but we've known each other since childhood, which, to me, makes a big difference. The thing is, he and I have both changed a lot over the years, some for the better and some for worse. Ever since he discovered his vast love for vehicles, mechanical things, and electronics, his sex drive has gone down hill. It's just that his mind is always somewhere else, and he never really thinks about it. Then when I ask him for sex (because I actually have to ask or we'll never get anywhere) he just kind of doesn't feel like it.

I know that he doesn't mean to be neglectful of me, and we've had several conversations and even a few arguments over the matter. We fought about it again two nights ago, when I asked him for sex and he just said no. I know he feels bad for always turning me down, but I am much more of a sexual person than he is. I honestly believe that he'd be perfectly content to go a month or so without any sex at all. As it is, we do it maybe twice a week, and only because I cajole him into it.... Except now, after our argument the other night, it kind of sounds like we won't be having anymore sex for a while now.

He has told me again and again that the situation has nothing to do with me, but there's just no way for me to NOT take it personally. It makes me feel unattractive, and I'm scared to death that there's never going to be any passion in my life again. It has gotten to the point where he literally has zero sex drive, and I am at a loss of what to do about it.

Any kind of advice would really be appreciated. Thanks.
-Kayla

**waya** · 07-08-2011 08:40 PM

Oh honey, this is a sadly common discussion on this forum and I'm sorry you're going through it. I don't know how not to take it personally, either. But just my opinion, make it very clear to him that this is something you need to be happy and if he doesn't start being more considerate of your feelings then leave. Because what if things never change and you stayed with him? It would be very tempting to cheat and you would just be unhappy, withdrawing emotionally more and more as time passed. Sometimes guys really don't get that women need it, too, though. If he's like that, maybe he'll change once he realizes what a big deal it is to you.

**rcoreyus** · 07-09-2011 11:46 PM

Different people have very different sex drives - and it seems difficult to change. If you and your SO are very different, it is unlikely to be a happy relationship, as I can say from experience.

**Thomas Hepburn** · 07-10-2011 02:09 AM

If any relationship, be it man or woman who is not getting enough sex, there must come a point where you say enough is enough. I have said on here several times that men should always try to tempt their female partners to have sex with them if they are tired/frigid/hormonal etc, up to a point. But if that fails then they need to consider leaving their partner, even if they love them. Because without sex, you are affectively just very good loving friends. Far too often it is the man who is being denied sex in relationships, but it does happen the other way round as well. Whatever way round it is, try, and if that fails, you need to move on.

**Mes T** · 07-10-2011 02:14 AM

How old was he when his sex drive took a nose dive? And did it literally perfectly coincide with him getting into his hobbies?

It seems very unlikely to me that a man can just forget about his sex drive because he's found a passion for electronics. Very odd. I wonder if there's some other physical issue going on, some hormonal imbalance, something, that would explain this.

What about before - was his sex drive always on the "low" side? Or did it used to be fairly high?

**kaylakay025** · 07-10-2011 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by Mes T

How old was he when his sex drive took a nose dive? And did it literally perfectly coincide with him getting into his hobbies?

It seems very unlikely to me that a man can just forget about his sex drive because he's found a passion for electronics. Very odd. I wonder if there's some other physical issue going on, some hormonal imbalance, something, that would explain this.

What about before - was his sex drive always on the "low" side? Or did it used to be fairly high?

Well, as I said before, we've done most of our growing up together. We're both 19 right now, and living together in our first apartment. Actually, his change in sex drive coincided more with the time when we were separated for three months. It's a very long story, and please, please, I don't want anyone saying that our relationship is doomed to fail just because we separated once. That's not the problem. Anyway I used the fact that he is so obsessed with his mechanical things as an example, because it makes me feel like he "desires" (if you will) his car more than he does me. Which, in fact, had a lot to do with why we separated before anyway.

Anyway, our separation before was also like a test. See, we'd only ever had sex with one another, but when we were separated, we both had the chance to see if we would like it with anybody else. Before, our sex life was amazing, and crazy. We used to not be able to stand to be in the same room together without touching. This was also before we moved in together as well, though, and we lived with our parents. This also meant that in order to have sex we had to be sneaky, and it was a lot of fun and very suspenseful.

However, I am almost 100% certain that the reason we're not having much sex is NOT because we moved in together. We were back together for a while before we got our apartment, and I could tell his sex drive was low then, too.

**WildChild** · 07-10-2011 10:52 PM

Get him in to get his hormone levels checked -now. He is way too young to have his drive nosedive no matter what he is interested in. He is prime age for testicular cancer. It doesn't necessarily produce the symptoms most people think it might. There can be NO visible signs. Low testosterone can cause a host of serious health problems for men over time.
At his age he should be eager to be at it several times a day. Something is wrong.

**kaylakay025** · 07-11-2011 12:06 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Get him in to get his hormone levels checked -now. He is way too young to have his drive nosedive no matter what he is interested in. He is prime age for testicular cancer. It doesn't necessarily produce the symptoms most people think it might. There can be NO visible signs. Low testosterone can cause a host of serious health problems for men over time.
At his age he should be eager to be at it several times a day. Something is wrong.

Okay, I definitely want to. There are two problems: we don't have any health insurance. And how do I open him up to the suggestion?

**oxy-moron** · 07-11-2011 01:04 AM

It is likely that you are just seeing him as he really is.
In the early part of a relationship you get raised levels of hormones that boost sex drive and bonding behaviour. After 6 -24 months the levels drop away and what you see is what you get.
It sounds like he is left brain dominant( Technical) and will probably avoid intimate behaviour.
You are both still growing up and should not get too tied down till you are at least 25.

Good luck