My fiancee has no sex drive, how do I bring up getting him to go to see a Dr??

**Quiet Soul** · 07-08-2011 10:20 PM

I have been with my fiancee for about 7 years now.
He has almost no sex drive and I find that I have a very high sex drive myself. Because sex is so infrequent between us, I'm actually finding that my sex drive has started to decrease somewhat...

We have talked about it, and I was given the stock "it's not you, it's me" answer. He's told me he doesn't know what's wrong. At one point when I tried planning out sex for certain nights or saying stuff like "hey could you come to bed early tonight so we can maybe fool around?" he told me I made it feel forced and unnatural so I stopped doing that. Thing is.. it's starting to feel awkward for me even when we have sex now.. he doesn't perform foreplay anymore and I feel like he's just going through the motions with me when we do have sex.. there's certain things that apparently I have done that have made him uncomfortable that he has opened up to me about after I talked to him about all this.. but he still seems disconnected from it all.

A year ago he was unemployed so I chalked up a lack of sex to that and he just got a new job 8 months ago that he works a lot of long hours for that are opposite the shifts I work so I once again figured he was just simply too tired. We also own a lot of pets that sleep in our bed with us and sometimes they are the reason we don't do anything.. I feel like he uses cuddling up to the dog (that's in the middle of the bed) as an excuse. If I make the dog move so I can cuddle him, he lets me do that, but it usually doesn't end up in sex. If I try and initiate things, I'm told the position is too awkward for him but he makes no suggestions for how we can alter our positions to make things work. That or he tells me it's nice to just lie there together naked. I can walk into a room naked and he'll notice but I don't get much of a reaction from him about it.. he'll look up at me from his computer and then go back to what he's doing.

Funny thing? He's totally up for oral sex most of the time though.. but if I can't finish oral sex because my mouth gets sore or something, then he's fine with me just stopping.
He doesn't seem to understand my frustration though because we've been "working on it".
We talk about working on it, things improve and then it's like they go back to square one..

I'm concerned because we recently got engaged and we've even had talks about trying for children in the next year but I don't understand how we're even going to possibly be able to conceive if we aren't having sex that often. (He keeps telling me that it will be "different" then, but that makes no sense.. how is he going to change for trying for a baby if he can't even bring himself to have sex with me more than twice a month as is?)

What I'm wondering is how to approach him about going to a doctor and getting his testosterone checked or trying to suggest that some other aspects of his life are affecting his sex drive. He always has an excuse for why we can't such as "it's too hot out", "I hurt myself at work", "I'm sore from the last time we did this" "my allergies are acting up", etc. but it just seems a little too much like coincidence that there's always a reason that he's not up for it. I was happy where one month we had sex 3 times.. it's usually once a month or so. .. He gets upset if I make notice of that though because sex shouldn't be that "big of a deal" for me.

I love him very much but I don't know if I can stay with him if this continues.

My self esteem is at an all time low. I'm actually starting to accept this as being normal, and have at times wondered if it's just "all in my head" so it has taken me a long time to reach out to anyone else about this.. Any suggestions for how to bring up him going to see a dr. since we've had this discussion before and he tries to play it off like it's not a big deal??

**jns** · 07-09-2011 08:23 AM

This sort of situation is more common in longer term relationships. It is somewhat easier to deal with being not married yet. The situation will probably not change. Can you see yourself continuing this way during marriage? If not, it may be best to end it now and find a partner that satisfies all of you, not just part of you.

How old are the both of you? Does he masturbate? Does he look at porn?

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-09-2011 09:51 AM

"It will be different then" is not likely going to happen. If he isn't interested in sex now, walking down the aisle or shooting for a baby won't change that. You mention he barely looks up from his computer and goes back to what hes doing... is he overindulgent in porn/masturbation? I ask because you would think it would be common sense for a man with a 'low sex drive' toward his partner to cut out masturbation so that he can give what he does have to her... BUT... some men just don't connect the dots.

Time and again I've seen men come to these forums saying they don't know why they don't have a drive for sex with their partner, yet are able to masturbate just fine 11 times a day!! Well Duh. A man only has ONE sex drive, if they take from that tank to self-satisfy its going to leave not much left for sex with their partner. But some men see it like brushing their teeth, porn is like watching the morning news... its seperate. However when most cut that out, they realize 'ahhh I DO want sex with my s.o' because they've allowed a biological need for them to develop.

I'm not saying THAT is your issue, just asking if its a possiblity. I would not bank on marriage fixing your sex problems... I imagine it would only exacerbate them. If you two are on different sexual pages... hopefully you can come to the middle if not, if he genuinly doesn't want to have sex with you and does it to keep you happy-- he will begin to resent it. If you are going without just to not 'bother him' -- you will begin to resent him.

Sex isn't everything in a relationship but the basic most fundamental underlining componant of it: wanting to please your partner, appreciating their efforts to please you... is about chemistry AND compromise and when both of those things are amiss -- trouble can/will develop in other areas.

You can't bully him into more sex, can't threaten to leave if it doesn't get better, can't accuse him of things all of that stuff would likely lead to just more sexual hang ups on his part. Best thing you can do is ask him to save himself for you if he is self-indulging, show him how to please you in ways that don't involve his penis, listen to his fantasies, share yours, try to shake things up and make sex a no-pressure, less predictable thing.

**WildChild** · 07-09-2011 10:35 AM

He certainly should get a check up and that should include his testosterone levels. Low T can be very damaging for a man's health, it affects a lot more than sex drive.
If sex 3 times a month seemed OK to you then it seems your drive is pretty low too. That may be the result of your situation. It sounds like you get very little affection, no foreplay, little sex, he has tons of excuses.

What is good about him and the relationship?
How old are both of you?

**rcoreyus** · 07-09-2011 11:48 PM

I just posted this in another thread: different people have very different sex drives. If you and your SO don't have drives that match, you are unlikely to be happy together. Don't wait for it to get better - it may never get better. (this from >25 years of experience with this problem).

**Quiet Soul** · 07-11-2011 01:46 AM

Ok thank you everyone for the responses

A couple things to answer questions

I'm 26 in August and he's 31.
From what I know, he looks at porn and masturbates since he does make mention of it on occasion but I don't think it's a super common thing. He's usually just online playing his stupid online game which he has tried to get me to join in with despite it not being something I'm interested in. (We both play video games, the main difference seems to be that I feel he is "addicted" to his whereas I will gladly turn my games off if there is the potential for sex or other things- in fact I'm usually so busy with chores I don't have time for video games, or reading or anything)

Over the years he has been weird when it comes to sex despite me trying to get him to open up about it. I never really noticed it though until around now when I'm looking back on all of it.
He never seemed comfortable buying condoms or would "forget" so it was always me that went and bought them but he was ok with it if we were shopping somewhere together and I grabbed a box..
I have toys in the house (handcuffs, dice, etc.) that he would avoid before finally admitting to me that he wasn't comfortable with them as he feels they don't make things feel "natural". While I do enjoy the toys, they are not super important to me so this has never been an issue. I don't want to force someone into something they're not comfortable with. Besides that, sex is still super fun without the toys.

I remember trying to ask him once what he wanted me to do to him while I had him lying underneath me naked and he didn't seem to know how to answer and seemed confused. This is actually something that has improved over the years as now he is better at telling me what he likes and dislikes or asking me to try different things. As for fantasies? He doesn't seem to have any to share, he's extremely submissive. .. I like this sometimes but I have my own submissive fantasies so it makes it hard, I don't always want to be the one "on top" so to speak. Which I have made mention of as well since if I want sex [I]I'm[I] the one instigating it.

When it comes to spicing things up, he's hesitant about that usually because of well twice now where um.. we had used too much lube and I was on top and sort of came down on him wrong and hurt him really good. This tends to make him really nervous at times as he's worried I'll hurt him again if I become too enthusiastic with what I'm doing. However.. the first injury of this type happened back when we first moved in together and the next one was a few years back.. I was actually a little shy about sex for a while after that as I didn't want to hurt him again.

I myself masturbate quite a bit but don't like to do it if he's home in the other room as it seems to make him feel like he's failing to please me and upset him. I tried doing it in front of him once thinking it would be a turn on but it just seemed to frustrate him.

.. I actually finally had a sit down talk with him yesterday. I asked him about going to the dr. to get his testosterone levels checked and he seemed open to it. He mentioned that he didn't know that testosterone could affect that or that it was something that could be checked or even fixed for that matter.

I also got the same stock answers when I brought up my concerns about children and marriage. Him telling me that my fears of us not having sex "wouldn't happen" and that for a while I had made things feel "awkward" and "forced" and weren't they improving, but this last 2 months has sucked with the heat and then me injuring myself.. Yeah, three times a month is sadly an improvement but it's a frustrating one. I feel unattractive and find myself obsessing over stupid things like my weight all the time now. I do deal with depression and anxiety so my self confidence can be very shaky to start with sometimes.

I'm starting to wonder if since it's been 7 years that he's just comfortable and doesn't realize that he's not happy anymore despite telling me his feelings for me haven't changed and that there's nothing going on, I'm not stressing him out, etc. etc. Either that or the fact that we own a house together and he doesn't want to have to deal with the headache of selling and selling everything if we do go our separate ways. I'm the one being made out to be the demanding and unreasonable one right now that just "doesn't notice" all the things he does for me. (I had pointed out that he wasn't very affectionate anymore, and didn't do a lot of the little things he used to do only to have it pointed out that he bought me flowers "just because" back in November or December)

Also, I am a bit of a loner/homebody. I don't go out often since I am usually tired after work and am content to just come home watch TV or read a book before bed. I have one or two close friends out where I live and they all live a nice long drive away so I usually only like to do things with friends on my days off and even then that's not often since their work schedules are opposite to mine. I don't know if my being home quite a bit is making things worse or not because it's not like I want his attention that whole time. I'm happy to ask him how his day went and go do my own thing while he does his and we can talk later that night in bed about anyting we have planned.

Interesting side note is that shortly after I had this conversation with him, the opportunity for sex came up for today when I wanted to have fun earlier on in the day. He told me he would rather tonight which I agreed to. Tonight rolls by and I have trouble even getting into the bed because the dogs are on the bed and he's cuddling one of them. I finally move the dogs out of the way, we start cuddling, and I can physically tell he's aroused but then he tells me "not tonight" because it's too hot. I'll give him that because we don't have air conditioning and it is really hot out tonight. I did get a back rub and a nice long cuddle out of the deal which was actually quite nice. Progress I think??

We go on vacation in 2 weeks, and part of me is wondering what will happen then as we won't have the stresses of being at home around us or the animals or anything else. It's just us. (We haven't been on a vacation in years due to him being laid off one year or not having vacation time at one point or me switching jobs and not having vacation time)

I should point out that the two of us get along really well otherwise. We tend to think alike, have very similar goals and ambitions, beliefs, and are usually very supportive of each other. (save for this issue) We have similar senses of humor, the same taste in music, and he knows how to make me smile. .. Other aspects of our relationship are suffering due to the whole sex issue though.

I just don't want to keep making excuses for him until I realize things aren't going to change and then I'm miserable. I have abandonment issues that I am aware of and I know sometimes I tend to push people away before they can leave me.. or I stay with someone that is manipulative because I live for the affection they sometimes show me as I don't feel worthy of anything more.. I can also be cling these are all issues I have gone to therapy for and still on occasion consult with a counselor over..

At this point, I'm waiting until at least after we're back from vacation to see if there's any change and to see if he puts his money where his mouth is so to speak. If I can't get things to improve, or get him to go see a dr. or even a therapist for our issues, I don't feel it's worth it anymore. Maybe he's honestly just depressed and needs treatment but that's still something he has to at least be able to acknowledge or go get help for, I can't do it for him if he doesn't want the help. It's just painful for me to admit that since we have had this issue for many years now. I'd feel stupid for hanging around for so long trying to make things work if this issue is just going to continue to persist or be something he only half heartedly attempts to work at improving when I'm bending over backwards trying to fix it.

.. Ok sorry that was a big long rant, it's something that has taken me a long time to even admit to myself is an issue, let alone go somewhere like here to ask for help. Thanks again everyone for the responses so far, they have been quite helpful. I no longer feel like this is all in my head and while I"m sorry to hear that other women have to deal with this issue, it is a relief to know that I'm not alone in that aspect.

**WildChild** · 07-11-2011 08:47 AM

Hmm, its not too hot to snuggle up in bed with dogs but it is too hot to have sex?

**jns** · 07-11-2011 09:39 PM

Many guys would find you a dream gf, I don't know why your fiancee doesn't

**Quiet Soul** · 07-14-2011 01:55 AM

Originally Posted by jns

Many guys would find you a dream gf, I don't know why your fiancee doesn't

Thank you, that helps the self esteem actually quite a bit!!

Anyway, things seem like they maybe improving somewhat.. maybe. We actually had sex the other night and while it was instigated by me, I felt like it was a lot better than what we have had over the last few years. He was more engaged, he actually incorporated some things that he knows I enjoy into it and it didn't feel like he was just going through the motions. He finished earlier than he wanted to (probably because it's been so long) but things didn't just end right there, he worked on trying to get me to have an orgasm before we stopped.

I'm not looking at this as some sort of miracle breakthrough but as a possible slight improvement.

We've agreed to go to counseling together and separately to work on this issue. I do know that me being a clingy person and fixating on this does not help things. Just as I find us fighting over other things, probably does not help the issue either.
I think we're stuck in a cycle right now that we're trying to break.
I become resentful and frustrated over a lack of sex and it spills out into the rest of the relationship as I then find myself getting angry easier and reacting to stupid things so then we argue.
We argue over something trivial or argue so much that he doesn't want to have sex and then the cycle repeats. At least that's part of what I think is happening.

All that being said, it is a starting point. I really want to see how our vacation together goes and go from there. He won't have his computer with him and since the longest vacation we've taken in the past was all of 3 days, maybe being away for 2 weeks will help him disconnect himself from it a little more. We actually discussed either having a day a week (or two) where neither of us is allowed on the computer or else we're on there for a much reduced amount of time and have to do stuff with each other the rest of the time. We can walk the dogs, watch TV together, go to dinner or go out together to a friend's house, whatever, but we do something together. (He doesn't like the idea of date nights, so I tried to find a way to basically word it differently)

I've also agreed to stop reading in bed and playing my gameboy in bed when I can't sleep whether he's already asleep or not. Both things I started doing when our sex life started disappearing. This probably hasn't helped matters either and maybe he finds it harder to approach me for sex as a result.

I have gently pointed out that I want to somewhat hold off on making anymore plans for our wedding as I think that we need to work on this issue before we get married. The wedding date is a year away and I do already have my dress (as well as some unique items we bought for our ceremony ritual which he was actually the one to plan out)

While he did not like what I was saying, he seemed to understand. I mean, why book for a venue, worry about invitations, a photographer, etc. and spend all this money when at the moment certain aspects of our relationship are less than ideal? If we can't get this figured out, then marrying each other is just going to make it worse. I'll be devastated, but I'd rather know now than get married and a few years later be in this same boat. In fact, my bringing up my desire to hold off doing anymore wedding planning until we can start resolving this issue, seemed to bring home to him just how serious I am about the situation. .. And the fact that if he doesn't take this seriously, that he is going to lose me. (I didn't come out and say that, but I think he was able to read between the lines on that one)

The fact that he's agreed to be on the computer less, and the fact that he'll go to counseling I think may really help. I know it'll only work if he actually does all this, but I figure it's all about baby steps to start.
I may not be the most patient person in the world, but I don't think that this is something that will just magically get better over night and I feel (and hope) like I am approaching this in a fair and realistic manner.

**Texasred** · 07-14-2011 10:17 AM

I don't know about the "clingy" thing, but you're not "fixated" on this - you are simply expressing a normal if perhaps long-repressed concern for something that can be a very big deal in a relationship!
By all means, get him to get his testosterone levels checked right away! And note also that a doctor will tell him he's "normal" if his total testosterone number is anywhere within the normal range - which is huge, running from 241 -827 ng/deciliter. If he were at 250, the dr. would say he's OK, but that's actually very very low, and his sex drive would be correspondingly very low. He'd want to be around the midpoint of the normal range, and for a guy of 31, well above the midpoint is more like what "normal" should be. 800 would not be at all too high.
Of perhaps greater importance is a number called the "calculated free testosterone" for which the normal range is 6 - 27 ng/dl, but again, you want to be at least at the mid-point, not at the low end of "normal." To have the sex drive a 31-year-old should have, a number in the mid-20s would be desired.
Good luck, and don't compromise: you'll forever be sorry if you marry someone whose sex drive is badly mismatched with yours.
- TR