My wife does not enjoy oral sex...is she alone?

**spsmith** · 07-11-2011 04:13 PM

Hello,

I know this is a female forum, but I would love some input from all you ladies. I hope you won't mind that I crashed the party.

My wife has never wanted me to go down on her. I absolutely love doing it, and love the excitement, pleasure, and intimacy of it, but she will not let me get anywhere near her down there. She tells me that she thinks it is really gross for me to put my mouth there, and does not feel comfortable having me do that. I have told her numerous times that I don't think it's gross, and that I wish she would give it a try because she may really like it. There have even been times when we have been in the middle of passionate foreplay when I have just tried to let the moment take over and started doing it with the hope that she would just let it happen, but she abruptly puts the brakes on every time I try.

Is she unusual, or does anybody else have the same issues with oral sex? Can you all understand where she is coming from? Maybe it's because she won't let me do it that I desire it even more...but I often find myself creating more and more fantasies about giving oral sex. Should I just give up and let it go?

Thanks for any input!

**LanaBear** · 07-11-2011 04:29 PM

Welcome to the forum. No party to crash here, men are just as welcome as women. Feel free to join the other male regulars we have here. We love to hear opinions from both sexes!

Read through the forums. There are plenty of posts that have this issue with both sexes. Is she alone? No, but there are plenty of men who don't enjoy going down on their women either.

Do I understand where she is coming from? No. I've always been a fan. I will admit though, I'm definitely more fond of giving then I am on receiving.

Should you give up and let it go? Depends on how important it is to you... Is your regular sex life suffering due to the lack of oral sex? Is sex enjoyable, do you enjoy each other? Are you both open and communicate to each other your desires and feelings?

Some women just do not thoroughly enjoy it and cannot gain any pleasure from it. Since they get nothing from it, it is just easier to do without it. If you push and push her on it, there may be a chance she will just end up resenting you for it and start not wanting anything sexual out of fear that it is going to become an obsession for you. If she gives you any room, you are just going to end up with your face between her legs (definitely not a problem a lot of us would mind). If she doesn't give you the opportunity, then it won't happen and won't make her feel uncomfortable.

**ItsASecret** · 07-11-2011 04:43 PM

My bf loves giving it but I am not overenthused to receive only because it does not do much for me. I do not see it as gross though, but a lot of women who have that opinion will not change it. I get almost no pleasure from oral so I do not ask for it, sure it feels nice but I do not and will not orgasm from it simply because it is not that type of feeling for me. If she feels grossed out by it though maybe ask if you could take it slowly, do not just dive in there trying to copy a maniac porn scene (horrible idea to copy that as it will likely freak her out)...just take it slow maybe lick once on the side and ask her if that is alright. Maybe kiss her down there gently and ask if that is alright, do anything slow as long as you can keep her in the conversation to show that you want to do this but not make her incredibly uncomfortable with head shaking or long licks or whatever.

**spsmith** · 07-11-2011 07:18 PM

Thanks so much for both of your input.

The oral sex thing is not harming our sex life. My wife and I enjoy each other. We have two small kids and she is a stay at home mom, so she's pretty tired a lot of nights, but we enjoy the opportunities we get to have sex.

My wife has never been a big fan of foreplay in general. She is usually ready for sex after only a few minutes of prep; she usually doesn't even want my fingers inside her unless we are having a particularly passionate time (she says fingering makes her feel like she's getting an exam). She usually finishes pretty rapidly too, especially if she's really turned on.

My oral sex desire flows from my general desire to maximize our sex time and enjoy her body. I love touching her, feeling her bare skin against mine, and arousing her. She, on the other hand, is very reserved and utilitarian about sex, and she admits herself that she was raised with a bit of "sex is dirty" mindset. She freely admits that, so talking about it doesn't really bring about any improvement. I think her distaste for oral sex (pardon the pun) is really just part of her subconscious feeling that anything other than man on top intercourse is a little bit deviant. She has broadened her tastes to include cowgirl, doggy style, and other positions, but she is still very reluctant when it comes to non intercourse sex acts. She will go down on me a couple of times a year, but only for a minute or two, and she sometimes gives me a handjob if she really isn't in the mood or has her period.

Long story short, we enjoy sex, but she is just very conservative and no matter how much I try to comfort her (we've been married for 15 years), she just has a very hard time breaking out of her mold.

I wrote all this here because so much of what men are trained to believe is the "norm" is based more on porn than reality. I was hoping to hear the input from real women regarding their own sexuality to see whether my wife's and my experience are more the norm than I may have led myself to believe.

Thanks again!

**LanaBear** · 07-11-2011 07:26 PM

It's hard, when somebody has been raised with the whole "sex is dirty" perception. Most times, they can't get away from that mindset.

Have you talked to her about maybe seeing a sex therapist? Some would be upset with the suggestion, but if you have great communication and can talk openly about that aspect, it may help. Especially coming from a trained 3rd party...

You sound understanding, so don't change. How long have the two of you been together? Have you thought about maybe getting a couple of books that the two of you could read in bed together? About intimacy and sex, etc?

**PinkySweet** · 07-11-2011 07:50 PM

Hm, Ive always enjoyed oral. I get a great feeling from it and orgasm from it almost all the time. However, the first time someone wanted to do oral on me I was really self consious, I felt like I might smell wierd to them or something like that but after I got over it and relaxed with doing it, it was great!

I was raised by my grandmother and she tried to teach me that sex was dirty, so I usually never got any excitement out of sex from previous partners, but after my now fiance really helped me get over that mind set by just being more and more passionate. he used to put roses in our room and when Id come home from hanging out with friends and things like that he would surprise me... he basically broke me out of the mind set by being extremely romantic.... and now i love it all, and try just about anything...

Maybe yous hould surprise her!

**spsmith** · 07-11-2011 08:59 PM

Thanks for all the input! I really appreciate it. I am glad I opened up and shared this with you all. You have a perspective that is much different than my own.

I dont have time now, but will write more tomorrow.

**WildChild** · 07-12-2011 08:04 AM

You might want to take a look at, Slow Sex. I haven't read it yet but know some sex therapists and tantric teachers (one Daka in particular) who highly recommend it.

**spsmith** · 07-12-2011 01:13 PM

I have been thinking about everyone's posts, and am reaching the (probably obvious) conclusion that all women are different, and oral sex is just a matter of personal preference.

I think popular culture more and more gives guys the impression (rightly or wrongly) that all "normal" women are sexually-charged, cannot orgasm without oral sex, have Brazilian wax jobs, own vibrators, have had experiences with other girls, want their man to surprise them with sex as soon as they walk in the door from work, etc., etc. Just look at the cover for any month's Cosmo on the newstand and you'll likely see references to multiple items from my little list!

All of this input puts pressure on guys to adequately perform and be creative and master all techniques of love-making, and then we wonder if something is wrong if a women we are with is not as into everything as we may otherwise be led to believe they should be.

**LanaBear** · 07-12-2011 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by spsmith

I have been thinking about everyone's posts, and am reaching the (probably obvious) conclusion that all women are different, and oral sex is just a matter of personal preference.

I think popular culture more and more gives guys the impression (rightly or wrongly) that all "normal" women are sexually-charged, cannot orgasm without oral sex, have Brazilian wax jobs, own vibrators, have had experiences with other girls, want their man to surprise them with sex as soon as they walk in the door from work, etc., etc. Just look at the cover for any month's Cosmo on the newstand and you'll likely see references to multiple items from my little list!

All of this input puts pressure on guys to adequately perform and be creative and master all techniques of love-making, and then we wonder if something is wrong if a women we are with is not as into everything as we may otherwise be led to believe they should be.

LOL - And you, sir, should stick around here. You will learn far more from us, real women, than you ever will from any month of Cosmo.

Just like, if we based all our opinions off of the men in porn, GQ or something equally lame... Wouldn't work.

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