Advice for when BF/GF don't agree on activities...

**Katherine** · 07-12-2011 01:24 PM

I'm in a situation I've never been in before, and it's making me a little nutty. My BF has expressed a strong interest in certain things that I don't find appealing and actually that I find somewhat repulsive. But it's important to him.

What do you do when that happens? He seems to think that because it doesn't involve pain and because it's something that he wants to do to me, as opposed to me doing something to him I don't like, that I should be okay or at least accepting of it. Without being too graphic, it involved oral sex in places I don't associate with oral sex.

When he has started to do this, I've wiggled away and told him I didn't want him to do it. But this seems to upset him, and I really don't understand why it's a big deal. Should I just suck it up and let him do what seems to be so important to him if this is damaging our relationship? But then, why should I have to do that? I don't want this to be a big issue between us, but it seems to be getting that way.

Is this a common practice? I've never ever heard of anyone wanting to do something like that, but I'm not all that experienced. Any advice would be appreciate. Thanks.

**LanaBear** · 07-12-2011 01:27 PM

IMO... It's about mutual respect. He's not respecting your boundaries which is wrong on so many levels. If he is getting upset, not understanding or not WANTING to understand, he is the one that is allowing this to become a big issue and come between the two of you.

It may be a sign of things to come. If he's not getting his way, he's being a child about it? Think long and hard about your relationship.

**cathygirl** · 07-12-2011 01:46 PM

Rather than wiggling away and saying "no, don't do that", have you talked to him at other times about it? They way you're communicating with him about it is important too. No, you shouldn't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. On the other hand, we all make allowanced for things that aren't our favorite to please our partners if our relationship is right. To answer your question, I don't know if it is common but yes, people engage in this and many enjoy it. I don't mind at all being on the receiving end (no pun intended), and even enjoy it as part of the overall package, but I wouldn't do that to my husband but then he's never asked me to either. I don't know how old you are, but keep in mind that you may try some things over time that you didn't think you'd like but which turn out to be kinda nice as a change of pace. As was suggested to someone in a somewhat similar situation in another thread, finding s third paty counselor to discuss it with might help too. Good luck.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-12-2011 01:50 PM

I agree with LB.

It's not a matter of whether you should want him to do that ("anal oral" I assume?), or whether we like it or don't like it.......what's important is that you don't want it. You've communicated it. And he needs to respect that whether he agrees with it or not.

So let's say you give in and continue doing something you don't feel comfortable with and don't enjoy. What kind of satisfaction does he get out of that? Then, what will be next? Because there will be something.

My ex fiance liked to do what your boyfriend wants to do. At first it seemed really embarassing to me and I kept thinking "WHY on EARTH would anyone want to do that!?!" I would do as you do, wiggle away, etc. But when I realized that he was truly enjoying it, I let my guard down and began to enjoy it too. But that was my choice, I was not forced into it and didn't feel my relationship would be threatened if I didn't.

I am in full agreement in exploration with a commited exclusive partner, but ONLY when you are comfortable with it.

**spsmith** · 07-12-2011 01:53 PM

Hi Katherine,

I just posted an almost identical issue from the guy's angle yesterday. My wife has never liked receiving oral sex, even though I have a very strong desire to perform it. Just regular oral sex, not what you are describing. She thinks the whole thing is gross, and just cannot get over that feeling enough to let me do it.

As far as your question goes, the type of oral sex that you are describing is becoming very common in porn, and your BF may be feeling like he has to add this to his repertoire to keep things exciting. As I just posted a few minutes ago in my own thread, guys get a lot of input from media about what we are "supposed" to do and what you are "supposed" to want us to do. Some of it good input, some of it is total BS.

As a guy who wants to do something that my partner will not let me do, I can understand why your guy is frustrated, but I am also trying to see it from the girl's point of view and accept that she may just think something is gross and there may not be a deeper meaning to it.

As a lot of very smart ladies have posted on my thread...communicate, communicate, communicate, and see if you two can come to some understanding about his desire for this, your lack of desire for it, and maybe find a way to reach a solution. Maybe there is something else that is kinky that you have thought about trying that is different than this but that he may like just as much (or more), or maybe you can agree to let him take it slow and give this a try but just in small doses to see if it will end up being okay with you.

Hope this helps!

**rcoreyus** · 07-12-2011 03:02 PM

I think no one should feel compelled to do anything they really don't want to in bed. OTOH, I think a relationship is happiest if each is willing to go out of their way to do what their partner wants. This will sometimes involve doing things you don't like much - OK I think as long as they are willing to put a similar effort into pleasing you.

If you find that there are things that one partner really wants a lot, and that the other partner really dislikes, then you may just not be sexually compatible and would both be happier in a different relationship.

Basically - no one should feel compelled to do something sexual they don't want, but no one should feel compelled to stay in a relationship where their sexual needs are not being met.