Partner with lower sex drive

**mhmh** · 07-13-2011 10:43 PM

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years (living together for 3 yrs). We're about to move together to a new city. I LOVE her and all the little things about her. I enjoy her company. I think she is absolutely beautiful, smart, funny, and I enjoy spending time with her.

Since we're moving to a new city and starting a life together, we have also been ring shopping. The first time I sat down and looked at the rings, I got a horribly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was shocked considering that I was the one who originally wanted to get married before she jumped on board to the idea about a year ago.

You see... she has done so much for me over the past few years that I have looked past the one thing that has been driving me crazy. Sex.

Sexually, I am very active. I exercise 4-7 times a week and have done so for the past 13 yrs. My sex drive is very high. I need to have sex DAILY. If I can't have sex daily, I need to masturbate. I have watched a large amount of pornography in my life, and started masturbating when I was 13 yrs old.

She has never masturbated. Infact, she never had an orgasm until I gave her one about 3 yrs ago. At the time she was 24. She has a hard time staying wet for more than a few minutes (although sometimes it can last 10-15mins). She has watched extremely little, if any, pornography in her life. I can give her an orgasm orally but not through penetration. What I find strange is that even though I can make her cum from oral sex, she doesn't request oral sex very often (its probably been over a month since the last time she asked.) Its almost like she doesn't give a if she has an orgasm or not.

I expressed my displeasure a few months ago, and said we needed couples counseling. She resented the idea and would get pissed off every time we would go. But, we went. Unfortunately, that ended horribly and it is completely my fault. You see, I started smoking marijuana at the time (drops my sex drive -- makes it easier to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have as much sex as I do). Because I felt guilty about smoking (I didn't tell her I was smoking) I told the couples councilor that things were getting better and everything was ok. The guilt did me in...

So now I am back to square one. Seriously...I look in her eyes and I know she loves me, and I REALLY care about her. But physically, my body is saying "dude, what are you doing? She is NEVER going to scream your name, have sex without showering first, look up new positions to try, buy sex toys, masturbate, look at porn, or simply beg me to rail her."

Frankly, I feel like she just doesn't enjoy sex. And when I bring that up, I feel guilty. Guilty because I am far from perfect, so how can I expect her to be perfect?

Well, now I am rapidly drifting apart emotionally and I am harboring some resentment. I think to myself....Why doesn't she EVER want to just jump on me and have sex? Why does she hate giving blowjobs so much? Why doesn't she WANT me to go down on her?

What is worse, is that she suffers from depression. We spent a solid two years thinking her "stomach issues" were food related. It was until she started taking Lexapro that those issues went away. But now her orgasms are gone too.

I just want to give her a pill that makes her freaken horny like me! That would be amazing! If I can't get that level of sexual desire, I'm afraid I'll never last in marriage. I'll always be thinking about wanting to have sex with someone else. I fantasize about girls in college who really enjoyed sex and wanted to have sex with me all the time. I'm worried that this is just going to lead to cheating...

I need some serious advice. What the heck should I do?

Buy her a toy? Buy some pill that makes her horny? Ask her to take a sex class with me? Confront her about the issue?

I've been doing the typical lazy thing to do for the past few years. I masturbate in order to calm down rather than tackle the issue with her head on.

Please help.

Does anyone else have an experience like this?

**rcoreyus** · 07-13-2011 11:46 PM

30 years ago I fell in love with a woman. We got along wonderfully, she was beautiful, she was the most important thing in the world to me. We dated for a long tiem and the only negative was that she had a fairly low interest in sex, only wanted it once a week, and was fairly limited in what she enjoyed. I figured that as she became more comfortable with me, this would gradually improve - and I was willing to be patient, she was worth it.

We got married - and had sex once on our week-long honeymoon. It was a fairly stressful trip - long driving, etc. I figured things would get better. The sex didn't become more frequent, but she became willing to try more things in bed - but the frequency was only about once a week or so. After a few years she told me that she really didn't enjoy all of the new things we had been trying, didn't want to do them any more, so we didn't. Sex gradually became less frequent. Years went by, we went from once a week to every other week. There were always excuses for why not that particular night. Once every 2 weeks became once every month. The list of things she wanted to do became ever shorter. Now after 25 years of marriage she gives me a handjob once a month - and seems to think this is all that should be expected. I do anything she wants in bed, she almost always orgasms, but she rarely wants anything.

There is always a reason. She is tired (this is a person who is happy to hike 15 kilometers in a day), sex keeps her from sleeping. There are chores to do.

I've talked to her, and she "tries" to improve. We'll have sex (of some limited sort), once a week for a few weeks, then skip a week, then 2, then back to ~1/month. Now its been 3 months since the last time we were intimate. I've given up asking.

I still love her - but I can't help feeling deeply resentful that I will never have a normal sex life. My choices now are:

Leave the woman I've loved for most of my life, and who loves me.
Cheat on her - I have ample opportunity.
Live like a monk.

Which of those choices will you make?

**mhmh** · 07-13-2011 11:59 PM

I think I'm going to throw up...ugh.

**Mes T** · 07-14-2011 12:53 AM

mhmh, definitely to me sounds like you should put marriage on hold until you can figure this out.

Let me ask you this - do you know for a FACT that she orgasms when you give her oral? How do you know she orgasms? How do you know she isn't faking? That to me would explain her lack of desire for oral, even if you claim she orgasms from it when she gets it.

To be honest I think it's highly unlikely that you gave her her first orgasm. Most women must learn to do this themselves before teaching their partners how to. I wonder if she wasn't faking that first time either?

I hope this doesn't sound too blunt or anything... I am speaking from a woman's perspective, is all.

The other thing I want to investigate is - is she on birth control? Any medication at all? Birth control has a lovely way of eliminating some women's sex drives, and I know some posters on here can attest to that.

Lots of things to think about!

**mhmh** · 07-14-2011 01:04 AM

Perhaps I'm being unfair. Sex WAS really bad when we first moved in together (3yrs ago.) At the time, both her and I had lost our jobs and were struggling to find new ones. This negatively impacted her sex drive much more so than my own.

When I finally confronted her, we got into a huge argument. But I didn't budge because I was really willing to walk away if she didn't change. I just couldn't picture myself making such a huge physical sacrifice for the rest of my life. Making such a sacrifice would cause me to resent her, and ultimately treat her poorly. The result of the argument was good: she agreed to have sex 3 times a week, no matter what. At first, that was great! Generally speaking, we still continue to hold to that amount of sex (7 months later). I'm a bit of an sometimes, so if she doesn't hold up her end of the bargain, I make it known.

However, I'm now realizing that 3 times a week is...not completly enough for my sex drive. Even with sex 3 times a week, I end up masturbating the other 4 days of the week. Is this a freaken porn addiction or high sex drive? Maybe in the future 3 times a week will be enough, but as of right now -- I want to have sex daily.

Should I just deal with the 3x week? When I smoked weed, I could easily live with 3 times a week. But when I'm sober (which I plan on being sober for the rest of my life) I find myself seriously considering other women that I see. Women that I believe (right or wrong) would enjoy having sex with me all the time.

Perhaps I'm just being unrealistic...

Frankly, I just wish she wanted to do it as badly as I do. She does occasionally want to have sex, but that is like once a week maximum. The other times, I know she's doing it because I want to do it... and that just feels so empty to me...

I wish there was something I could do to make her want it more. On the surface, everything seems right. We are faithful, loving, caring people.

**Mes T** · 07-14-2011 01:14 AM

mhmh, what about my questions in the first post?

How do you know for certain that she does have orgasms? If you're not sure, can you really expect a human to want sex at all if it simply doesn't feel good, and they're only doing it out of obligation? I could be completely wrong, this could have nothing to do with your situation, for all I know. But I think it would help to at least explore this possibility.

Your sex drive can sound high to some people, but it really all depends on the person. I don't think this has anything to do with "porn" addiction as you're not sacrificing sex with your girlfriend for the sake of watching porn. It could be a "sex" addiction IF you are thinking of it to such a degree that it distracts you from day-to-day life.

So, does your girlfriend *actually* have orgasms? If so, how do you *know*? And, is she on any kind of medication?

**mhmh** · 07-14-2011 01:26 AM

Sorry I didn't see your post! I know she does orgasm because when she cums, she pushes me away with her legs, she convulses alittle, and her viagana becomes extremely wet. if I try to lick her vagina afterwards, she pushes me away very hard. Its too sensative for me to continue licking. I normally have a mouthful of wetness.

Once she started lexapro, she let me go down on her for awhile, and no orgasm. We got close, but nothing. So now, she doesn't really want me to go down on her.

I found it VERY surprising that I was the first to give her an orgasm. What was even more surprising, was the way I found out. She didn't even TELL ME I was the first until maybe.. 4 months ago? Thats like two-three years after the first time I made her cum. She brought it up soo casually in conversation that I didn't believe her. I was shocked and asked her repeatedly if this was true. She still says it is. Quite frankly, I don't doubt it because I KNOW she doesn't masturbate and she didn't have too many serious boyfriends before me. I could easily have been the first guy to go down on her.

She IS on birth control and has been for quite awhile. Although, we went six months with extremely infrequent sex and she was NOT on the pill at that time. However, she was having severe stomach problems (and probably depression) at that time, so perhaps that was the issue.

**mhmh** · 07-14-2011 01:40 AM

Also -- I don't think its a sex addiction. I focus intently on work and studies without thinking about sex at all. Although -- I normally need to have an orgasm before I can study boring material for long periods of time ;P

**ItsASecret** · 07-14-2011 07:38 AM

I know I do not ask for oral because I do not particularly enjoy it. Nice feeling, does not give me orgasms or even close to, but my bf loves giving so I simply let him. But I do not flat out demand oral. Having an orgasm is one thing but it does not mean a person 100% loves and enjoys the act. Maybe she thinks about penetration as you are giving her oral and that is what gives her the orgasm. If she does not absolutely without a doubt say she loves oral then it can easily be a reason as to why she never asks.

As for never jumping you, well not everyone is like that. I am extremely passive and extremely quiet woman. I do not like attention on me nor do I look to take control of any situation so jumping my bf for example is not what I do. It is not just in the bedroom it is just my natural personality, extremely submissive and never demanding. I feel awkward if I do try to start something and that completely defeats the purpose of jumping if it feels forced. If your gf is the same way, as you did not mention her personality, then it could be an explanation as to why she just never jumps on you in wild ways like you think she should be doing.

**spsmith** · 07-14-2011 03:08 PM

To be perfectly frank, I have never been with a woman that I would say had a large sexual appetite, so I have always lived with the assumption that most women are just not as sexually driven as men. I am sure that there are many ladies in this forum that will totally disagree with me, but that has just been my experience.

I have been married for 15 years, and I have regular sex with my wife...not every day, but I can usually have sex any time that I really want it unless she has (i) had a really bad day; or (ii) she has her period. When my wife has sex because I want it, it's never as enjoyable as when she really wants it too, and those times are more rare...usually a couple of times a month. She has told me in the past that the pill kills her sex drive, plus she has also told me that her sex drive really seems to coordinate with her cycle. She notices that she is more horny depending on where she is in her cycle. On top of all that, her mood for sex is much more fragile than mine, and can be totally ruined if some other stress intervenes between the time that she plants the seed for sex and the time it is actually going to happen. A glass or two of wine or a cocktail after dinner and after the kids go to bed can do a very good job of making her more immune to those mood-killers.

I say all of this because, over my years of marriage, I have learned that it is impossible to expect my wife to act like me in the bedroom. Women are a lot different than guys, physically and emotionally, and the whole issue of getting them in the mood, keeping them there, and then helping them get some pleasure out of the thing can be VERY complicated. The sexual side of marriage takes a lot of work and requires a lot of patience. If I expect my wife to just jump me just because, I'll be waiting a long time, but, if I listen to the cues she gives about what's bothering her, on her mind, affecting her life, etc., etc., then I can try to do something thoughtful, romantic, or helpful that will allow her to feel something that can then make her want sex.

Rather than focus on your GF having low sex drive, maybe try to think of some reasons why that might be and think of some ways you can elevate her passion for you and elevate her desire for you. Demanding daily sex and then resenting her for saying no will do nothing for either of you, and, likely, the pressure she feels to have sex based solely on your schedule and appetite may be causing her to resent you as well, which is totally counter-productive.

You may think that I am a dork and that I am totally -whipped based on this post, but, I can assure you, if you can learn how to make a woman want you, you will enjoy sex a lot more than if you simply learn how to make a woman have sex with you.