Me and my sex issues -- could a few drinks help?

**MissLyss** · 07-16-2011 10:53 PM

Hi,

I'm back again with more sex issues! I still haven't been able to orgasm while awake (I've had several in my sleep since last posting), and my boyfriend is frustrated by my lack of sex drive and sexual response.

I'm a person who always needs to be in control, recoils at the idea of a massage, and wasn't interested in sex until I started dating my boyfriend. I enjoy sex with him but it doesn't usually feel the way I think it probably should.

I'm wondering if it would be harmful to try having a drink or two to see if it would help me be more chill? I don't really drink because I'm not overly interested -- I've never tried or been interested in any drugs/cigarettes/etc., either (I'm such a square lol) -- but I want to try to help this aspect of our relationship.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks so much!

**rcoreyus** · 07-17-2011 12:22 AM

It depends on how you react to alcohol. If a drink helps you feel relaxed, it might work. I wouldn't suggest getting drunk. Do you know why sex seems to stress you?

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-17-2011 12:54 AM

I think a lot of people drink wine, etc... when having a romantic evening because it does have a way of making people feel relaxed, and sexy, etc. Inhibitions get lowered. I don't think its a bad idea to get the ball rolling and maybe get over some initial nerves of letting go... but you DEFINITELY dont want to become dependent on needing to have a drink before being able to relax for sex... you'd be creating a newer bigger problem to fix a fairly common one.

What are some of your fears of letting go? Do you have any body insecurities, or do you feel shy about expressing what feels good to you, what you'd like him to do? Does he make it pleasurable and you just can't get over the final peak... or is he missing the target all together. Do you masturbate? Are you able to bring yourself to orgasm?

**jns** · 07-17-2011 08:10 AM

Originally Posted by MissLyss

I'm a person who always needs to be in control, recoils at the idea of a massage, and wasn't interested in sex until I started dating my boyfriend. I enjoy sex with him but it doesn't usually feel the way I think it probably should.

A few drinks can lower inhibitions, but of more interest is: how does sex feel for you and what way do you think it should feel?

**WildChild** · 07-17-2011 10:39 AM

What do you think will happen if you don't keep yourself reined in?

**MissLyss** · 07-17-2011 12:43 PM

Wow, thanks so much for all the responses!

rcoreyus -- Yeah I definitely wouldn't get drunk without just trying it buzzed first. I'm not sure why sex stresses me; I have anxiety disorder (treating it with citalopram, side effects of which include "decreased sexual desire or ability" (listed first) -- woohoo!). I'm not always a shy person, it depends -- I can be very outgoing -- but I have selective mutism which might be part of it. I also grew up incredibly close to my twin sister and we never really were interested in anything like partying, sex, drinking, drugs, etc., we just liked to be together and paint/draw/come up with stories/create things. So I think part of that is like my "comfort zone womb" because we didn't really need the outside factors to feel happy. But my boyfriend does need sex, and sometimes I want it, too, but all my experience is from him and his from me. There's pressure on me to have an orgasm, etc., so that's also a stressor.

Hopeless Dork -- I absolutely agree, I don't want to become dependent. I'm going to try to have a drink or two and see if it helps, but I won't become reliant. I have like ten pounds to lose, so that could be a body issue, although I'm okay with how I look naked and have no problems with the lights on; I wish my boobs were perkier lol. He sometimes makes it pleasurable but his only other experience with sex is porn and I don't think he understands that what they do is for show. He seems to think hard and fast works, and sometimes I nudge him in other directions and he tries to listen but probably doesn't retain it all. I don't masturbate but I'm trying to start with a vibrator my gynecologist had me to get to start working on sexual response. I've never brought myself to orgasm, just randomly have them in my sleep! Usually with completely nonsexual dreams (one time, the dream was focusing on a white piece of paper and someone drawing hands and shading them in -- so odd!)

jns -- Sex to me feels like... well, sometimes it feels like I have to pee, but I don't think it's in a good way. Sometimes it just feels "nice" and I'm enjoying being close to him; sometimes I get little flashes of it feeling really good but it almost feels like it short circuits and goes nowhere.

WildChild -- I'm not sure what I think would happen! I think I just "don't think of myself that way."

**jns** · 07-17-2011 01:14 PM

If you have already peed not long before, the having to pee feeling may be your body on the verge of having an ejaculation. To have it happen, try relaxing and letting go even to the point you think you are peeing. Most posts have described the ejaculate as clear or possibly milky white. There is nothing wrong with it and usually it will turn your partner on even more. The nice feeling is normal. It is probably the release of brain chemicals giving you a bonding experience and an everything-is-well feeling. It is also good. The flashes are probably your body working its way up to an orgasm. How does your bf try to keep them going and building? They are good, but it should be better if you go farther.

**waya** · 07-17-2011 02:52 PM

Ok, I've felt the little flashes. So, I imagine it's a fairly normal thing. If you can let yourself relax more I think those flashes could become more consistent, there would still be ups and downs but if done right it can pretty much all feel good. Considering that he's had little experience you probably both just need to learn and explore.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-17-2011 02:52 PM

I asked about the body issues because I know that for me, If I am not feeling particularly sexy on a day we're going at it... my multi tasking busy brain is so concentrated on the angle I'm being viewed in, oh gosh did that just jiggle? No no no, don't kiss there , I have stretchmarks there!! lol... and when I am feeling that... I just can't relax and get into it... Have to fade all that out on focus purely on sensations.

Yes the masturbation is MAJORLY important... and should be your first step to improving this. Being able to know how to give yourself an orgasm will be PRICELESS in teaching and showing HIM how to give you one. If he is having trouble making you orgasm, and asks you for directions, and even YOU arent sure... then you're both working up hill.

So yes, definitely focusing on your own will help and once you are comfortable with how to make your own self orgasm, you can teach him and show him and while it may seem to fall on deaf ears, most men want to be a stud in the bed, they WANT you to come and if you can tell them how to do it they will jump at the chance. Most women would balk at what antics a man would want to get off, but men on the other hand , if you tell him watching him do push ups makes your panties hot, he will be doing push ups in front of you ALL DAY LONG.. lol. they want to make you feel good. So first just learn what makes you feel good, then SHOW him, rather than tell.

**oxy-moron** · 07-17-2011 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by MissLyss

Hi,
I'm a person who always needs to be in control, recoils at the idea of a massage,

I find the massage comment quite revealing.
I would recommend that you use massage with him to get to a point of relaxation where there is sufficient mental relaxation to let yourself go.

Try to use exercise , massage and Omega3 oils in your diet to overcome your anxiety rather than drugs.
Citalopram could be working against all of your efforts.

Good luck