Thread: Fiance and Online Porn

My fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months. During this entire time he has been looking at lots of online porn. I do understand that all men do it, but not to this extent. Also we have pretty much no sex life whatsoever. When I try to talk to him about the porn, he gets angry and defensive and claims he doesn't do it that much...but he does, I've seen his computer history. I am now getting very worried because recently I have found out he's paying for some online sites and also some weird interactive online porn game. I confronted him about paying for it once and he lied and said he didn't even though I saw a payment confirmation email for one of the sites. He claimed it was spam... Also he is registered with a webcam site which is totally wrong to me. He refuses to talk about it and just gets mad when I try. He no longer will initiate sex and half the time when I try to he makes up some excuse. I feel miserable about this situation and I am about at my wits end. Can anyone please give me any advice on what to do about this? It's driving me insane!

I don't think this is a tough situation at all. If your sex life is already in trouble and you aren't even married, something is wrong. He is also being disrespectful by not talking to you about the porn, the porn site registration, and web cam site etc. He is clearly lying to you about all of this because he gets so defensive. Why in the world would you want to marry someone like this? While some men certainly look at porn, not all men do to this extent and lie about it. I would leave him, unless you want years of marriage filled with this nonsense. Have some self-dignity and realize that there are men out there who will love you, want to be with you intimately and be honest with you. Drop this loser.

All men don't look at online porn. Some do, probably lots do, but there are lots of men who really get nothing out of it. But the biggest issue here is, he's lying. You're engaged to someone, obviously considering marriage with someone, who is blatantly dishonest with you. He's hearing your concerns, he's not even TRYING to apologize or make it better, but instead is getting angry and defensive. Then he's doing more and more and more. He's now paying for it and actually interacting with real live women. Why is this not considered cheating?? If this were me, I would feel VERY cheated on. And cheating is an absolute deal breaker.

What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you honestly deep in your heart feel loved, cherished, and respected by this man? If you cannot answer "YES I DO!!" wholeheartedly and without hesitation, you do NOT need to even be with this man, much less marry him. He's lying, he's betraying you, disregarding what you want and need, isn't the least concerned about physically pleasing you, and I"d venture to guess he's not romantic, probably pays you very few compliments, probably only rarely initiates any sort of contact with you. He's not really even IN this relationship....so why hang on and deprive yourself of true deep unconditional blissful love?

I know it's tough. It's hard when your heart is involved, when you've planned things out in your mind, your life, your future. You think "I just don't want to start all over". But it's time to get out of this mess and live for you, grow, reflect, and learn so that you never ever let yourself get to this point in a relationship again with a guy who so clearly isn't worth your time.

There are many threads on Porn on this site- Search them and you will get a feel for how this problem can impact on marriages.
Porn can desensitise people and make it difficult to have real life relationships.
It does sound as if he has major intimacy issues and I suspect if you require and intimate marriage then you would be better off starting again.

Without getting into the whole porn OK or NOT question, you need to ask if it is OK with YOU. His porn seems important to him (doesn't matter if we call it an addiction or not), and he isn't likely to give it up. You need to either decide that you are happy living with someone with this habit - or not. Relationships / marriage aren't about what is right or wrong in an absolute sense - they are about what each partner is happy with in the other. Whether other people think watching a lot of porn is acceptable doesn't matter - what is important is what you think