Getting her there

**cobalt232** · 07-25-2011 11:09 PM

I'm not absolutely positive this is the place to be asking this, and if it isn't please feel free to re-direct me, but this is where I'm starting. So, the issue is that I am having trouble helping my girlfriend reach an orgasm. She has just become sexually active, has never masturbated before, and has never had an orgasm before. We've found several various things that she REALLY likes (clit play, g-spot, etc) both with and without actual intercourse. The closest I ever bring her is with her clit, but it just doesn't seem to quite happen. While we're both willing to just keep soldiering on and try again and again, I figured asking for some advice wouldn't hurt. What she describes as happening is that either: a. it gets to be "too much" before we actually get to that point and she needs me to stop, or b. she gets 99% of the way there, but it seems to dissipate right before it actually happens. We've been trying out ways to try and push her over the edge, but nothing seems to have worked yet (including oral sex). Any suggestions/ideas as to what might be happening?

**Mes T** · 07-26-2011 12:26 AM

I know exactly what she's talking about, have been there before myself.

The "too much" feeling means she isn't being touched in the right place. Instead of stimulating her clitoris directly, try touching her slightly to either side of the clitoris. It's a very sensitive spot, and not all women like it to be stimulated directly.

What she needs to do is learn to give herself an orgasm. Maybe you can give this to her as homework.

Honey, stay indoors this entire weekend, light some candles, clean your bedroom and make it comfortable, read a naughty book or think about your favorite fantasy, and explore yourself! Maybe one of you could purchase a vibrator for her, too, as that can often really help to speed things along.

Now the thing is that a lot of women really need to learn how to do this for themselves, first, without anyone else there. You might hear guys boasting that they gave their girlfriends their first orgasms blah blah blah... highly unlikely. Most women really need to master the art of masturbation first.

Think about it - how long have YOU been masturbating, years of practice, before you had sex for the first time? You know exactly what kind of feeling you are going for, how to make yourself feel good. But she doesn't know this about herself, and if she hasn't been able to do it for herself yet, there's almost no chance that someone else will be able to do it for her.

**oxy-moron** · 07-26-2011 01:43 AM

Hi
I think it sounds like your lady is lucky to have you.
To me the fact that she hadnt masturbated before you says to me that she is possibly lacking a bit in sexual imagination and possibly finds sex embarrassing.
Start off your sessions with her with long massage sessions- Use light massage and treat it like preforeplay. This will build up over time and give her a good launchpoint-this will take a while to work.
One of the main things you can do is provide dirty talk- this will help overcome any hurdles. As a guy you will know that if you want to come easily you need to think sexual thoughts or see sexual imagery. Women benefit similarly from sexual thought but some dont have great sexual imaginations. Start off small by describing how exited she makes you or describe the two of you having sex outside somewhere risky.
It may feel awkward at first but it will be a useful skill if you can master it.

**stressed** · 07-26-2011 05:24 AM

To some women it doesn't happen, no matter how hard you try. Other times it's in fact against sex if you both focus on it every single time, as you'll both feel bad about it not happening and think you're missing out a lot from sex. Keep trying occasionally, you're definitely on the right track, but don't focus on it every time as you might both end up disappointed and frustrated more than anything because not all women reach an orgasm by intercourse.

Ask her to masturbate while you're together, so she can find what she likes and then show you or do it herself. It's also helpful if she masturbates alone, so she won't feel pressured to reach an orgasm for you.

**cobalt232** · 07-26-2011 06:38 PM

Thanks for the advice, though unfortunate some of these things have already been addressed. First, I have already brought up the idea of toys, and she is not at all interested in that, so there that goes. She does masturbate in front of me occasionally, but my subtle hints that maybe she should start doing this on her own seem to be not working, though maybe I can work on that. In addition, despite being inexperienced, embarrassment is definitely not the issue, she is quite proud of all her parts and how she uses them. And we are also definitely already doing plenty of dirty talk as well. Maybe not super dirty, but we are doing quite a bit of talking. Pretty much our attitude towards it is that it's going to happen eventually, so we might as well just keep on trying, I just figured looking for advice might make it happen faster. Any continued advice would definitely be appreciated by both parties! Thanks!

**jns** · 07-26-2011 07:54 PM

Originally Posted by cobalt232

I'm not absolutely positive this is the place to be asking this, and if it isn't please feel free to re-direct me, but this is where I'm starting. So, the issue is that I am having trouble helping my girlfriend reach an orgasm. She has just become sexually active, has never masturbated before, and has never had an orgasm before. We've found several various things that she REALLY likes (clit play, g-spot, etc) both with and without actual intercourse. The closest I ever bring her is with her clit, but it just doesn't seem to quite happen. While we're both willing to just keep soldiering on and try again and again, I figured asking for some advice wouldn't hurt. What she describes as happening is that either: a. it gets to be "too much" before we actually get to that point and she needs me to stop, or b. she gets 99% of the way there, but it seems to dissipate right before it actually happens. We've been trying out ways to try and push her over the edge, but nothing seems to have worked yet (including oral sex). Any suggestions/ideas as to what might be happening?

The getting to be "too much" may be that her clitoris is becoming engorged and erect. When it does this, it may stick out from under it's hood and be subject to direct stimulation. That stimulation may be too much. Try stimulating her clitoris through the hood instead: on the sides instead of at the front.

As for keeping the feeling from dissipating, try building up the feeling, then slowing down without ever stopping. Then start building up the feeling again with faster motion, then slowing down again. Repeat for a number of cycles to build up the sexual tension. The build up phase may be several minutes or longer depending on how much sensation she is getting. The slow down should probably last a couple of minutes. Also, have her relax and relax some more.

**Sarahsedaii** · 07-26-2011 08:27 PM

I had the same problem when my husband and i first started having sex. It took a long time for me to be comfortable enough to masterbate by myself. I know this sounds crazy, but for me anyway, it is easier to masterbate with my husband egging me on then by myself. Give her time, she will come into it eventually. Toys were one of the best things that we got for me to help. She has to know what she likes before she can tell you

**waya** · 07-26-2011 08:55 PM

I second jns on the build up then slow down concept. It's awesome, trust me

Also, I would try getting her turned on from the start of the day. Keep her worked up mentally. She could wear something sexy under her clothes to make her feel a little naughty. Non-piercing intimate jewelry can be a fun and unexpected thing.

**cobalt232** · 08-06-2011 11:25 PM

Alright, been trying to put a lot of these ideas into practice, but still no results. I have gotten her to start playing with herself, which she is definitely enjoying, but even when she's obviously incredibly close, even she can't seem to get herself over that edge, even if I'm there doing whatever extra I can to help. We've gotten communication (dirty talk) essentially down, and she's obviously relaxed, unembarrassed, and very excited, but it still doesn't seem to be quite enough, and it's gotten to the point where she's sometimes just getting frustrated with herself. Not incredibly so, but one must admit that it would be something that would frustrate just about anyone, getting so close but not quite making it almost every time we get "excited". I've discussed the idea of toys with her, which she wasn't interested in at first, but I think her difficulty is making her more open to the idea. But, should there prove to be any other way, I think it would please her. Anybody have anymore advice?

**---Beany---** · 08-07-2011 10:18 AM

I can't help but feel the best thing for her is to simply relax and not focus on the outcome.
The fact that you say she nearly gets there, then the feeling dissipates, tells me that the approaching orgasm distracts her from the pleasure that took her there in the first place.

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