Thread: My Boyfriend doesn't lust for me anymore

Sorry this is long, I had to include so many details or else you'd ask qns or suggest obsolete things...

My Boyfriend and I have been together over a year an a half. We moved in together at the beginning of the year. We've been sexually active just 10 months.

He managed to match my desires and enthusiasm until about 5 months back.

I have a much higher drive than him so his lack of desire and rejection as of late hurts me a lot and thus makes me angry. I feel ugly and unwanted. Resentful. (and pent up...which doesn't help)

He said that I'm predictable so the excitement is gone. He means, he knows he will get a yes. And when I say no...it ALWAYS ends up as a yes annyway. =Predictable.

When I bring it up or try new things he gets nervous and can't perform. So I can't talk to him about it or else he can't perform properly for a month.

I'm trying no sex for 3 months. I'm almost a month in already.

He says he loves me, and he wants to marry me, and I believe this to be true.

Drive Wish:
Me-Daily
Him- up to 2 X a week but never with ENTHUSIASM.

It's the lack of enthusiasm that hurts me. He reluctantly puts out for me. I didn't gain weight or anything.

I've tried outfits, offering my body for ANYTHING he wanted, surprising him, making a sex game, sexy texts, sweet texts, etc...
I leave love notes everywhere (sweet and sensual). I compliment him. I cook for him and clean our apartment between my studies and work. I bake his favourite cake for him to cheer him up, I'm an open book to him. I listen to him, i do MASSIVE favours for him...things i wouldn't do for anyone, things that stress me so much i get physically ill. He says I'm the best gf ever.

I've sacrificed so much for him. Money, Family, Morals, Work, My life plans, My Virginity...and he doesn't even want me sexually anymore... He was all excited at the start, but not anymore.

How can I fix things? I'm finding it difficult forgiving him...

I see it hurts him that he can't satisfy me and he works hard all day, he just got a better job so hopefully that might help. But I can't help that I have needs. One of being close to a MAN not my HAND. Being loved...

I've tried to kill my libido by making myself busy, refusing to see him (I've moved out just this month to help with the abstinence), locking myself inside, not watching any romantic movies, stopping any sexual activity what so ever. I've done this for a month and it helped but the drive is still there...not as strong though. How can I loose it completely? I don't want to want to have sex so much!

It's more so the effect it has on my self esteem which i need to work on, but that's a lost cause...

What can I do? I'm at a loss...

I feel the only thing is playing the game. If I don't look like I want it, all of a sudden he will want it again. That's the only thing I can think of. So I'm distancing myself so I don't fail. I'm going to go to back to his next week again and cut up all the condoms so we can't do it... juvenile perhaps but I seriously think this is the only way unless you have other suggestions...?

First, there is NOTHING wrong with your sex drive. Wanting sex daily isn't unheard of by any means. At the same time, wanting sex only a couple times a week isn't unheard of either. It's his lack of enthusiasm, his statements "too predictable", his fragile sexual ego that seem to be the problem. My point is, by trying to kill your sex drive, you're not solving anything because that's not the problem. My question would be, he has sex with you twice per week, but does he even truly want sex at those times or is he just doing it to appease you?

Second, You're bending over backwards for this guy..... what is he doing for you in return? All these things you listed that you have done and do for him, what are you getting in return? Loving is wonderful and with love, you want to do things to make your partner happy, but when you're doing it because you're desperate to "win" them or be wanted by them....... it's very unhealthy. What is he doing to try to make you happy?

One of my friends had a similar problem. In fact, not yours to detail but she's a very attractive girl and still every guy she wants to have sex with refuses it or does it for her sake, not because they want to (I've seen it happen with her ex and the new guy she's dating). She moved in with her ex soon after they started going out and at that point I feel like she lost her independence, and so did he. He was also a good friend of mine so I was able to hear his side of the story. Truth is, he felt overwhelmed by her affection and everything she would try to do for him, including always being around. Guys don't want it so easy (sexually and mentally). I'm not referring just at the beginning either. There is a healthy balance of showing that you care about them and letting them know you also care about yourself.

It's healthy to show him you want sex but when the guy is constantly rejecting you, then it's a huge blow to the ego. I wouldn't put up with it, I'm too proud for that. Because also, at that point the guy loses some respect for you too. I've heard ALL my guys friends say that a girl nagging for sex isn't sexy (unless, you know, when it's in a porno-like scenario.) So at that point it only further pushes them away.

Desperation isn't sexy... At least showing it.

I'm not sure if anything I've said helps or was offensive in any way but I'm just relaying what I've seen in the past. This is also coming from a girl with a huge sex drive. So I know what you feel like. But believe me, I've seen it happen. If he doesn't want to have sex it's usually because he's turned off by you mentally. Could be something you're doing or it could also mean he loves you like a sister instead... But think about it, when someone doesn't want to have sex with a person is because they don't see them sexually.

Sadly this is quite common - and miserable. Couples often have very different sex drives, and different ideas of what constitutes good sex. There may be nothing you can do to make him change - many people have tried, most have failed In the end you may just not be sexually compatible - and that will make the rest of your relationship unhappy.

If I knew how to fix this, I wouldn't have been in this situation for over 25 years.

Hi
Go to Wikipedia and type in the Coolidge effect. This is makes males of all species loose interest in their partners for a period of time after orgasm- often for weeks in the case of humans.
If you go to the Cupids Poison Arrow- it explains the theory.

Also there is a honeymoon period of raised hormones in the first year or two of a relationship. The hormones boost some peoples behaviours(sex,communication) beyond what they normally are.
Once the hormone boost is gone you are left the real person. This may not be a good match for you in some areas. Take time selecting your future life partner.

Good luck

Beautiful Disaster - First i was angry and blaming him but i realise i'm at fault too. I'm so angry about this because i think i'm too sex obsessed, that's why i'm trying not to be, and i'd want him to support me if he was the one nagging for sex instead.
We havn't had sex for a month basically. So it's been a while.
I finally spent the night last night, and we didn't do anything. He kissed me a bit but i could not return it, i just pretended to be sleepy and turned my back on him. He was getting a hard on when i didn't need it and that made me angry and sad and i started to cry.
I think that he does want to have sex 2 times a week, but if it's more than that, he's just doing it for me. Which i did it once for him when i wasn't in the mood myself.
He does try to make me as comfortable as possible, he is a very patient and tolerant and loving man. I do feel like lately i'm doing all the chores, because after a month i'm still seeing my clothes on the clothes horse, you would think in a month he would have time to do it especially since i wasn't there to distract him.

I think if anything he has noticed my cold nature lately and he is trying to win me over by giving me space, but i can see he is struggling with it. At the same time i don't see him bending over backwards with any form of romantic offerings either to reconcile the situation or even asking if something is up. He is sweeping it under the rug. Or perhaps he thinks if i finally do talk it would be a talk he isn't willing to have at the moment.

colliflower- He doesn't reject me all the time, it is more so he lacks the passion he once did and it takes a lot of work to get him hard, and to stay that way, the more i try the more nervous he gets and the less it works. I don't believe i show my desperation...he said i talk about sex too much so i've really tried to lessen my sexual side in hope it will make him come after me, but he also believe only jerks go after girls. So he probably wont till he is at breaking point. But he touches me sensually (on my hip) still so that shows some interest i guess.

I don't think he is turned off, and if it is it is the "love game" of playing hard to get that i think would win him over. But i think he just is kinda over the initial start of the relationship and i'm not... He definitely doesn't love me like a sister.

rcoreyus - thanks for sharing that. I definitely couldn't put up with this for 25 years! But i'm not one to quit easily in relationships, so i am going to try until i literally have nothing left and am completely miserable with no happy left.

oxy-moron- i've read of the collidge effect (you can see i've really tried to fix this! Reading anything i could).

So then this is the real us huh? I guess i will have to fall down to communication. I find it usually triggers some tears, and probably hurt feelings, but it usually works out for the best. I just can't bring it up i find difficulty in that, i have to wait for him to ask what is wrong. Then i'll say, not like i'm getting nookie anyway...

Thanks for all your advice