34 & never had an orgasm..help!

**Han2403** · 07-30-2011 03:43 PM

Hi
I was just googling my problem & came across this site..wondering if anyone can help me!
I've never had an orgasm, either by myself or with a partner. I don't feel any sensation in my clitoris & it just starts to feel a bit sensitive if I try to stimulate it but not in a nice way. I can feel turned on but don't get anywhere near to anything that feels like an orgasm. Sometimes if I use a vibrator I start to feel like I want to pee & that's it. I've tried to persevere but nothing happens & I lose interest.

I'm 34 years old & now married..I've never told my husband, I just fake an orgasm. I've never told anyone as I feel ashamed & useless. I want to find something that will help me as I dont want to go through life like this, it's not fair!

I used to think I was built wrong & would never have an orgasm however I have had a few occasions where I've woken up & felt like I was just about to have an orgasm but waking up stopped it, I wasn't touching myself in my sleep that I know of. I also remember another time when an ex was touching me whilst I was asleep & again I woke up on the verge but it stopped straight away. This makes me think there is hope for me after all!

I would really appreciate some help. I know I should talk to my husband but I thought it may help posting here first to at least get my issues out in the open as it were.

Thanks xxx

**jns** · 07-30-2011 05:19 PM

Originally Posted by Han2403

Hi
I was just googling my problem & came across this site..wondering if anyone can help me!
I've never had an orgasm, either by myself or with a partner. I don't feel any sensation in my clitoris & it just starts to feel a bit sensitive if I try to stimulate it but not in a nice way. I can feel turned on but don't get anywhere near to anything that feels like an orgasm. Sometimes if I use a vibrator I start to feel like I want to pee & that's it. I've tried to persevere but nothing happens & I lose interest.

I'm 34 years old & now married..I've never told my husband, I just fake an orgasm. I've never told anyone as I feel ashamed & useless. I want to find something that will help me as I dont want to go through life like this, it's not fair!

I used to think I was built wrong & would never have an orgasm however I have had a few occasions where I've woken up & felt like I was just about to have an orgasm but waking up stopped it, I wasn't touching myself in my sleep that I know of. I also remember another time when an ex was touching me whilst I was asleep & again I woke up on the verge but it stopped straight away. This makes me think there is hope for me after all!

I would really appreciate some help. I know I should talk to my husband but I thought it may help posting here first to at least get my issues out in the open as it were.

Thanks xxx

Do you concentrate on your clitoris or are you concentrating on your vagina in your quest for an orgasm? What does your husband do to try to get you to orgasm?

**wishy0uwerehere** · 07-30-2011 09:57 PM

i think you need to masturbate more and get to know your body. it can be extra difficult (or impossible) if youre stressed or thinking too hard about it. and i know its also impossible to take the advice of "just try to relax" but you really have to. are you opposed to watching pornography? thats how i learned to masturbate and learned what felt good...i had never touched myself or let someone touch me until i was 18 years old. i started watching porn and rubbing my clitoris and i eventually learned how to orgasm. it was a long path after that to learn how to orgasm during sex, but you have to start somewhere

**Han2403** · 07-31-2011 12:03 AM

Originally Posted by jns

Do you concentrate on your clitoris or are you concentrating on your vagina in your quest for an orgasm? What does your husband do to try to get you to orgasm?

A bit of both..like I said in my original post I don't seem to get much from my clitoris, I almost feel like there's something wrong with it, like it's not very sensitive or something. It just tends to feel a bit irritated after a while. My husband uses his fingers & likes giving me oral. As he isn't aware of my issues as far as he is concerned everything is ok! We have issues in the sex department anyway..due to lots of stress over the past 18 months & him being depressed he's lost his libido significantly anyway. His daughter nearly died as she had a brain tumour. We've been through so much & are very close & loving but sex hasn't been a priority at all. I almost feel like we need to start afresh but I feel silly & embarrassed & quite inhibited if I'm honest! I feel like everything I do is for him rather than myself and have realised I don't really know what I like myself. I think this is due to past issues where I've used sex to build my confidence..Ive had quite a lot of partners prior to my husband though they never really meant anything. I always did things for the other person as it made me feel good about myself knowing I'd given them so much pleasure, I guess I forgot about myself. Sorry..that's turned into a bit of a ramble!

**Mes T** · 07-31-2011 12:10 AM

I know how you feel! And in fact I think a very large number of women can relate to your story, it can be a struggle for some of us to learn to put our pleasure first.

You have to be turned on to have an orgasm, bottom line. Think about things that turn you on. Certain books, movies, your imagination. What gives you that tingling feeling. Set aside some time for yourself where you can be alone, with no interruptions. Light some candles. Grab some wine. Wear something sexy, FOR YOU. And touch yourself gently on or around your clitoris (sometimes it can be too sensitive if we touch it directly), around your inner/outer lips, inside your vagina, everywhere. Make sure your fingers are lubricated, no matter where you are touching yourself. Use your own saliva or something store-bought. But your fingers *must* be lubricated.

Don't worry about having an orgasm right away, start small. This is your chance now to explore your body. Pay attention to how it's responding to certain touches. Maybe you need to be more gentle, maybe more rough, we're all different. But don't focus 100% on what exactly you are doing - let your mind wander, think about things that make you feel sexy, things that excite you.

It's never too late to learn to orgasm. Really. And then once you do you can spread the wisdom to other women who are in the exact same position.

**Han2403** · 07-31-2011 12:11 AM

Originally Posted by wishy0uwerehere

i think you need to masturbate more and get to know your body. it can be extra difficult (or impossible) if youre stressed or thinking too hard about it. and i know its also impossible to take the advice of "just try to relax" but you really have to. are you opposed to watching pornography? thats how i learned to masturbate and learned what felt good...i had never touched myself or let someone touch me until i was 18 years old. i started watching porn and rubbing my clitoris and i eventually learned how to orgasm. it was a long path after that to learn how to orgasm during sex, but you have to start somewhere

I don't mind porn, I used to watch it when I was single. Now I feel jealous if my husband watches it..I don't think he does any more due to the fuss I've made in the past. I would hate it if he watched it now as if he has a low libido and we hardly have sex anymore, why would he like watching porn? To me that would say he finds other people more attractive than me. As such, I would feel guilty if I watched it as it would be double standards.
Before I met my husband I used to post photos of myself on an amateur website, I got a real buzz from doing that and the attention I got. I also used to like looking at other people's photos on there.
As you will see from my other post, I think I just have big issues but I don't know why. I wish I could talk about it with my husband but I'm too ashamed. Maybe I should just leave the pc on this page so he can read it all.

**Han2403** · 07-31-2011 12:15 AM

Originally Posted by Mes T

I know how you feel! And in fact I think a very large number of women can relate to your story, it can be a struggle for some of us to learn to put our pleasure first.

You have to be turned on to have an orgasm, bottom line. Think about things that turn you on. Certain books, movies, your imagination. What gives you that tingling feeling. Set aside some time for yourself where you can be alone, with no interruptions. Light some candles. Grab some wine. Wear something sexy, FOR YOU. And touch yourself gently on or around your clitoris (sometimes it can be too sensitive if we touch it directly), around your inner/outer lips, inside your vagina, everywhere. Make sure your fingers are lubricated, no matter where you are touching yourself. Use your own saliva or something store-bought. But your fingers *must* be lubricated.

Don't worry about having an orgasm right away, start small. This is your chance now to explore your body. Pay attention to how it's responding to certain touches. Maybe you need to be more gentle, maybe more rough, we're all different. But don't focus 100% on what exactly you are doing - let your mind wander, think about things that make you feel sexy, things that excite you.

It's never too late to learn to orgasm. Really. And then once you do you can spread the wisdom to other women who are in the exact same position.

Thanks for your advice. I'm actually going away to work for 3 months, maybe that will be a good time to explore myself a bit more, just for myself and by myself. Maybe I've got too hung up thinking there's something physically wrong with me so I've stopped trying & resigned myself to thinking it was never going to happen & I'd never feel normal.

**jns** · 07-31-2011 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by Mes T

I know how you feel! And in fact I think a very large number of women can relate to your story, it can be a struggle for some of us to learn to put our pleasure first.

You have to be turned on to have an orgasm, bottom line. Think about things that turn you on. Certain books, movies, your imagination. What gives you that tingling feeling. Set aside some time for yourself where you can be alone, with no interruptions. Light some candles. Grab some wine. Wear something sexy, FOR YOU. And touch yourself gently on or around your clitoris (sometimes it can be too sensitive if we touch it directly), around your inner/outer lips, inside your vagina, everywhere. Make sure your fingers are lubricated, no matter where you are touching yourself. Use your own saliva or something store-bought. But your fingers *must* be lubricated.

Don't worry about having an orgasm right away, start small. This is your chance now to explore your body. Pay attention to how it's responding to certain touches. Maybe you need to be more gentle, maybe more rough, we're all different. But don't focus 100% on what exactly you are doing - let your mind wander, think about things that make you feel sexy, things that excite you.

It's never too late to learn to orgasm. Really. And then once you do you can spread the wisdom to other women who are in the exact same position.

Good advice from Mes T

**fee200** · 07-31-2011 03:41 PM

I wouldn't get too concerned, I was married for 14years, divorced and met a wonderful man on the internet (we've been 10years together) and he gave me my first orgasim at age 42. I didnt realised what was happening to my body at the time, but WOW it was worth the wait.

**waya** · 07-31-2011 05:16 PM

Originally Posted by Han2403

Before I met my husband I used to post photos of myself on an amateur website, I got a real buzz from doing that and the attention I got. I also used to like looking at other people's photos on there.

Did you get physically turned on by this? If so, maybe you should consider exploring exhibitionism.