Thread: Girlfriend doesn't want sex - but happy to receive other stuff

Evening/morning all. I'm after a bit of advice.

I've been with my girlfrind for 3 years. We're 22 and live together. Apart from the first 6 months or so, she hasn't really been very interested in sex (once or twice a week), but it's progressively nosedived to the point that she now never wants it.

I admit that at times I've probably been a bit overbearing by frequently trying to touch her/kiss her/etc, and she suggested if I lay off that I might get my way more. Except, I don't. I'm on here because all day she's been hinting at having some sort of sex tonight (we're out of condoms so it would be limited to touching/oral). She even shaved down there, and told me to make sure I was clean (she has a thing about cleanliness/smell, and if I haven't washed within 2-3 hours before, she won't go near me/it even if I smell like roses).

So we get in bed, she complains about feeling sick and turns her back to me. I cuddle up to her, put my hand on her hip and she moves it where she wants it. I touch her, she finishes & wanders off to the bathroom to clean up. My turn next, presumably. Except she gets in bed, faces the other way, tells me to stop fidgetting and go to sleep because she has to be up early. This happens fairly frequently - I touch her probably three times a week, probably only 50% of the time she'll return the favour.

She quite often says she's not up for anything but will sort me out when we get to bed. However what she says and what she actually does are 2 different things, and whereas she'll say 4 or 5 times a week that she'll sort me out, I'll get it once or twice maximum. Even then, there's always something wrong. I jokingly pushed her head down the last time she did it, she started moaning about her head hurting. I pushed it gently! If you've ever been moaned at during sex (and not in a good way), you'll know that the mood is ruined. It's a combination of that, and me thinking 'oh here we go again'. That time, I rolled over & went to sleep. Another time I stroked her hair while she did it; she stopped, rolled backwards and said it'd made her sleepy, and that was that.

So, can anyone offer any advice? She's always flirting with me, lifting her top up, pushing her boobs/bum into me and making sexual suggestions. However except for a quick peck on the lips we kiss maybe once a week. I try to kiss her, she turns her head away and just cuddles me - which is another thing; she always wants to cuddle. In bed, while watching TV, while cooking, everything. Even when I'm touching her, our heads will be 2" apart but she'll be facing the other way. I realised today that we've used 9 condoms since the beginning of May. I love her but at 22 I'm starting to feel that I'm missing out, and that another 50-60 years of this won't be fun.

Thanks!

hey, the biggest problem here is COMMUNICATION. Have you ever discussed this with her? (In the most considerate way possible). Maybe she isn't realizing how you feel and thinks you are happy. You have to just sit her down and be honest with her, otherwise you will end up resenting her down the road. Just remember it's all in the way you say this....We can be very sensitive and get our feelings hurt if things are not said in a nice and loving way. Hope this helps!

A loving way...is not when in bed and you want some "action"... It's when there is nothing going on between you and you are just having conversation. Or you give her a heads up that there is something bothering you that you want to talk to her about. Remember: Talking is different than lecturing or expressing your frustration.

Have you asked her if there is anything going on in her life? Medically? Emotionally? Physically? that may be impacting how she feels about herself, her body, intimacy, etc.

I would agree with the post above in that it's all about open honest communication and it appears that is something you are lacking in your relationship.

The "open and honest" goes both ways. If she doesn't want to be touched, she shouldn't be rubbing herself all over you, allowing you to get her off, etc. It almost sounds like her mind is elsewhere, and that she doesn't necessarily even want to be with you. I don't consider her actions very considerate at all, so you are certainly not the only one at fault here. Ask her why she doesn't seem all that interested anymore, but expect her to get defensive and aggressive very quickly. Most women can't handle being confronted with anything that is their fault/problem, and anything you say (regardless of how nicely, sorry) will probably be met with hostility. The most important thing to remember is that if she does become hostile/defensive, do not return that emotion. Stay calm, tell her that you love her (if you do), and that you want her to be happy. Let her know that you aren't angry, but that you are feeling neglected, and want to know what you can do to try and fix things.

I think you should try to discuss this issue with her in the most friendly way, but be aware that this might also upset her or close any communication channel. Expect any of these reactions. On the other hand you are both too young to be so frustrated so try your best, be supportive, but if things do not improve within a reasonble period of time, give her the chance to think things over by herself, give yourselves time to analyze what you expect from each other and decide if you want to work over these problem or if there's nothing else to do, stop hurting each other and try to be happy.

Morning all. Thanks to all that have contributed.

We've spoken about it many times. At first it tended to veer towards the fact that she's quite flirtatious with me, yet moans when I have the obvious urges that result from that. She's toned it down, but still does it. The last year or so it has tended to revolve around the fact that she's never interested. At first we'd talk open & calmly about it, and after one of our chats she'd agree to make an effort and things would be different for a couple of weeks, until it reverted back to the usual. Gradually this moved on to her getting quite angry at me, telling me that she can't help it and that if I have a problem I should go and find someone else. The thing is even if she's not in the mood, a few seconds of touching/oral gets her in the mood. Again at first she was open to this but no longer gives me that opportunity. I try to avoid the subject now because I always end up in the bad books.

Seeker_Advice - she is on medication but is currently coming off it. Because of the changes in dosage she is a lot more hormonal at the moment, but that's only really the last month or so. The tablets can reduce sex drive, however she was already starting to become uninterested before she went on them. She'll go through phases of wanting sex every day for a week or so, but that'll happen once every 4 or 5 months.

The strange thing is that when she visited her parents recently and stayed over for a few days, she instigated cybersex (with webcam) pretty much every day. I met her at the train station and we were barely through the door to our flat and she'd already dived on me, but after that it was back to the usual routine.

She asked me for a kiss last night and (bearing in mind that we rarely do anything more than a quick peck on the lips) I asked her if I was going to get a proper kiss or just a quick peck. She said what's the point in kissing properly, it's "dirty and naughty" and she doesn't see the point. Apart from endless cuddling, there's absolutely no intimacy between us and this gets to me more than the lack of sex. Imagine foreplay as being laid next to each other, me touching her and her facing the other way. So cold and emotionless.

Thanks again.

Hi
This has been said before but it has to be spelled out because it explains how things play out.
During the first 6 to 24 months of a relationship there is a boost to hormones that causues more interest in sex and communication. After the Honeymoon period -what you see is what you get. It will be hard to have a good long term outcome from this.

Part of the problem is that she is squeamish- thinks that bodies are icky - and sex by default is icky. Once she has gotten off she will looses interest and your turn will only occur if she feels sufficiently guilty.

There is a book called "she comes first" which advocates the female being given attention to start before the male- I think that this is not working for you.
You need to tease her or a while and stop before she comes-then maybe try to have sex and bring her to orgasm ( as you are already) while you are inside her.
That way her chance to loose interest before you come will be diminished.

However having said all this - perhaps the best advice would be to get some running shoes- head out the door and dont come back-and dont look back either.

Good luck

Thanks oxy-moron.

I understand there's a 'honeymoon period' and obviously that's over. I'd like to think there's more to the relationship than sex, and there is, but sex is still a major part of the relationship. The fact that there's no intimacy - rarely even kissing - has a big effect on how I feel in the relationship.

I try to tease her for a while, but there's a problem in that - unless I'm touching her clitoris, she's not interested. I've tried teasing her, stroking her legs etc, basically everywhere but the clitoris. She quickly gets bored & turned off. Also, I never know when she's about to orgasm. There are no signs. She doesn't make any noise until she orgasms, there are no physical signals from her body that she's about to climax. Obviously she knows when she's getting close, but I don't. I've tried mentally timing it (typical male attitude!) but obviously it varies each time. Sometimes she climaxes after ~50 seconds, other times it can be 5 minutes or so - it's not like I can think 'we've been going for a while now, she must be getting close'. She often gets aroused when she gives me attention but either won't tell me about it until the next day, or will say that she can't be bothered when I try to come onto her.

Thanks.

Are you sure she's having an orgasm????? 50 seconds and even 5 minutes is EXTREMELY rare for a woman to have an orgasm...it usually takes around 15 to 20 minutes at least! It is sad but MANY women fake orgasms because they feel bad. If she is not, then that would answer all of your questions....she may not feel like it's fair for her to give you pleasure if she really isn't having an orgasm. You should be able to tell a little physically when she has an orgasm. She should arch her back, become very lubricated, and sometimes the vagina will actually contract a little bit while the orgasm occurs.

I can tell when she's having an orgasm, just not when she's about to climax. She quickly gets very lubricated and I can feel her tighten up when she does it through penetration. Her whole body spasms (if that's the correct word) and I'm often left covered in scratches/bits of hair pulled out etc. But that's the thing, it's not like I can stop when she's getting close because I don't know when she's getting close. If I stop as soon as she starts to show signs that she's climaxing, she just orgasms on her own (no touching, her body just does it on its own, in a similar way that a man will carry on ejaculating even if any stimulation/movement is stopped as soon as he starts).

I know it's extremely quick, but apparently she's always been the same.