Unsupportive Mother Giving Mixed Signals

**Begonia** · 08-02-2011 12:54 AM

I'm an 18 year old college student who is still living at home. My boyfriend of two years and I have decided that we're ready to have sex. We are planning on going to get birth control soon to be extra safe and have done all of our research. My mother has always told me to come to her if I start having sex and she will be understanding. I attempted to tell her today by bringing up the topic of birth control. She responded by expressing utter disgust and contempt for my older sister who is currently on it. She has always made remarks about my sister being sexually active that lead me to think that she is not the understanding parent she wants me to believe she is. The thing is, I'm actually really close with my mom and I don't want to ruin it by letting her know about this, when obviously she doesn't approve after all and lets it affect how she sees my sister. I'm beginning to think that the only reason she is so close to me is that I'm her idea of a "perfect kid." I've never been any real trouble. I've remained a virgin, I've always gotten great grades and have never even gotten drunk or done any drugs. Now I feel like if I tell her she will talk about me the same way as my sister. I wanted to be honest with her, but the things she says makes me really reconsider it all. Any advice?

**Mes T** · 08-02-2011 01:40 AM

Do you really need to tell her? I mean you're 18, legally an adult now, is it really any of her business? I think you have a very clear head upon your shoulders, doing your research, being smart and prepared... Yet it's possible that to your mom you're still that little girl, and maybe she comes from an upbringing where it was taught that sex was "evil" and "tainted" people. She probably thinks that if you start having sex, you won't be her little girl anymore. It's a bit of a dated view but unfortunately many people still hold it.

So, my advice? What you do in the bedroom can remain private. I'm not saying lie to her, but maybe you don't need to bring it up.

**rosekitten** · 08-02-2011 07:44 AM

Do you intend to have sex in her home, or have you boyfriend and you worked out something else? I've got advice/opinions on both sides of that question.

**Begonia** · 08-02-2011 10:33 AM

Thank you Mes T. This is the conclusion I was beginning to come to. I know that she would probably be disappointed that I didn't tell her, but I have my reasons if she ever finds out, which she probably will. Maybe that will open the door to a discussion about how she treats my sister and how I didn't want us to end up that way.

We don't intend on having sex at home, we have other plans. Maybe if everybody was out of town or something, but we definitely don't want to put ourselves in a position to get caught in the moment. Please share any advice you may have on the subject. (:

**rosekitten** · 08-02-2011 11:04 AM

I'd say if you aren't having sex in her home, it's really none of her business. Yes, while living at home means you should live by the rules she sets, she can't stop you from having sex elsewhere. It sounds like she wants to be open, but is afraid of losing her little girl. If she brings it up, don't lie to her, but make sure she understands that you have to be given your own space if she wants you to grow up as a happy and well-adjusted adult. Don't force the issue, though. I moved out when I was 18, but when I moved back (marriage, divorce, disaster...) there were things I wasn't allowed to do in the house, and that was fine by me. Good luck, and try to be patient, I hear it's hard for parents sometimes to watch their babies grow up.

**Begonia** · 08-02-2011 11:35 AM

Yeah, that seems reasonable to me. I've always been so concerned with having my parents' approval that I haven't given myself the freedom I need to really grow up. I guess I will have to learn to stop caring so much of what they think of me, as their expectations are a bit unrealistic.