no sex in marriage

**pompolo** · 08-06-2011 04:45 AM

hi there, im 37 and have been eith my hubby for just over 3 yrs. we've 2 little ones, a 3yr old and a 2yr old. my other half suffers from bi polar nad has has bn on meds for years (more than 10) his libido is oretty low but when we first met we had sex quite regularly altho he's confessed to taking viagra each of the times we had sex in our early encounters together which isnt an issue for me. the problem is that we hit a bad patch after i had the kids and our sex life never recovered. im now te one who keeps talking about having sex as we dont at all in our marriage. he says its because of his medication and that i shldnt keep talking about it coz it makes him feel like he's inadequate(he says why mention it when u know i dont get the urge) im confused coz now he says even with viagra he doesnt get the urge and i must just accept that thats us now. we made love once last year and once the previous year and he keeps coming up with excuses to do with his illness but its not sitting right with me it doesnt ring true and i think he may have resigned himself to not bothering with sex which i dont think im ready for at this stage in my life. he's not the affectionate type so i dont get any of that either, ilove him so much but im solonely and find myself lying in bed next to him feeling a million miles away, i do snuggly up to him but its always me that initiates it, i feel he makes no effort and is asking me to give up a sex life without going out of his way to show anything else (affection, appreciation etc) am i too demanding? ive lately thought maybe my only option wld be to see other men discretely just to satisfy that part of me altho it wld end our marriage if he found out.

**jns** · 08-06-2011 09:13 AM

It sounds like you two have seriously mismatched sex lives. He started out being secretive by hiding using Viagra as an aid. That is deception. He wasn't affectionate from the beginning. And now he is asking you to be celibate. Has both of you gone to his doctor and asked what can be done medically about this? Possibly changes in his meds could help. But he has to make an effort. You are not too demanding. Let him know that the constant rejection is damaging to you. If he is feeling inadequate, he is unlikely to accept an open marriage.

**PinkySweet** · 08-06-2011 08:11 PM

This is a topic that my Pharmacy Technicican traning should pay off on lol.
Well, Viagra doesnt give you the "urge" to have sex, it simple just helps it stay hard. (message me, if you wanna hear more about the medication)

And Sadly, Just about all AnitDepressants or Naurcotics will lower your libido...

**pompolo** · 08-07-2011 04:24 AM

thanx guys for yo responses, ive bn steadily getting psyched up to confront this issue in a huge way so i can move on. i must admit im more confident coz ive bn working out a lot and feel good about my body and appearance. well after gym yesterday morning i said to him that im not happy with our marriage that he's selfish and puts no effort in being affectionate with me, accusing me of being the cold one and not trying hard enough when all i do is try try try with him! (funnily enough,as im writing this and as i was saying it to him i realised and am realising how idiotic i had bn being and how absolutely unacceptable his behaviour is and has been!!! why ever did i put up with such ?) anyway he was quite taken aback at me establishing new boundaries and vocalising what i wont accept,with me going as far as saying im ready for us to end the marriage coz as far as im concerned there's no marriage to talk about anyway, he must have thot i was bluffing coz he then asked how id manage financially ( as im doing a course at the mo and bn looking after our children as i never went back to work after my first maternity leave) and how id manage with the kids if we slpit up -to which i replied(and meant it as well) if i had to go to a shelter for divorced women with children that ddnt have housing until i asked for help from the council then id do it, to cut a long story short he asked what i needed him to do to show he cared(coz he said he does care and love me + value me which is what i was accusing him of not showing me he does) he also said that over time he's found it easier to shut off emotionally and not be affectionate coz he feared that any advances he may make he didnt want me to misconstrue it to imply we were gonna have sex, so basically he was putting up barriers so he wldnt have to reject me- i said that i was aware of the lack of libido issue obviously, which he cant do much about but that i ddnt expect sex each time we were affectionate,but that i still want us to snog and mess about even tho no sex wld b had, but also that sometimes i felt he shld take the viagra for us to have sex so my needs are met as that part of me still functions,it really feels like a load has bn lifted and things are so much better than they've bn for so long, im aware that i'll have to keep working at reminding us of how things used to be so the effort keeps being put in, but im willing to do it, its such hard work to keep a marriage going when things falter at times but i do see he's putting some effort in- showing he heard me when i confronted him, im being reminded of why i fell for him in the first place coz he's funny and can be quite considerate, im amazed at how all the good bits just vanish when things are going wrong..... pinkeysweet plse elaborate on what else we can try id appreciate some input from your expertise as pharmacy technician

**jns** · 08-07-2011 07:22 AM

Great! You are moving in the right direction. And he seems to have examined his part in the situation enough to know he was putting up barriers. It is not necessary for one partner to have a high sexual feeling to help the other achieve sexual satisfaction. It is ideal for both to sexually enjoy the intimacy, but it is not absolutely necessary. Him selfless giving in a generous spirit should be taken for what it is.

**Texasred** · 08-08-2011 12:42 PM

Your outcome does seem better than most!

CW, what do you think about the idea of having one entire forum titled "No Sex in Marriage?"
It might well be the busiest one here.