No pleasure during sex/clitoral stimulation

**pika91** · 08-07-2011 01:29 AM

Hey

My girlfriend and I have been having a bit of trouble in regards to her recieving pleasure/enjoying sex.

We've been together for 8 months, and having sex for 4 months. She was a virgin before this, so she has only been having sex for the time we have been together.

During sex, she is unable to reach orgasm. If I try to use my fingers to stimulate her, it is not effective and becomes uncomfortable for her.

When I try oral or using my hand on her, she does not feel pleasure from it. A few times she has orgasmed from this, but it has either been really low intensity, or after half a second it feels like too much and it stops immediately. Clitoral stimulation is the most effective option, but even then, she does not feel pleasure. We tried using a vibrating bullet, but it pushed her over too fast and was too high in intensity.

We have researched and most answers replied "try some masturbation to get to know your body". This has been tried, but as she is uncomfortable with masturbation, this has not been effective.

As of late, she has lost a lot of interest in sex and can not get aroused. We guess that this could be from the above situation. For the past month in particular, although we've been having sex, she has not been aroused or in the mood, but we still wanted the intimacy. We have sex roughly 3-5 times a week.

Is this level of libido normal, or is it too low?

Any advice on how to get her pleasure will be greatly appreciated, as this has stressed/upset myself and her out a bit.

**Mes T** · 08-07-2011 01:52 AM

I think 3-5 times per week is a LOT, for someone who admits to not enjoying sex. If you never had orgasms during intercourse, would you bother with sex 3-5 times a week?

Her learning to pleasure herself through masturbation is very important, and unfortunately maybe it's the only answer. How are you supposed to give her that elusive orgasm if she can't do it for herself? Growing up, think of all the times you've "practiced" on your own body through masturbation, the countless times you've brought yourself to orgasm... so that when you finally did have sex with a partner, you knew exactly what made you feel good and what didn't. She needs this experience too. It's invaluable.

Try a different type of vibrator, one with several intensity settings. Sounds like the one you used the first time was too intense - try a gentler one. Make sure her clitoris is well lubricated when it comes to vibrators or fingers. Buy some KY jelly if you haven't already. Everything must be wet.

**pika91** · 08-07-2011 02:02 AM

Originally Posted by Mes T

I think 3-5 times per week is a LOT, for someone who admits to not enjoying sex. If you never had orgasms during intercourse, would you bother with sex 3-5 times a week?

Her learning to pleasure herself through masturbation is very important, and unfortunately maybe it's the only answer. How are you supposed to give her that elusive orgasm if she can't do it for herself? Growing up, think of all the times you've "practiced" on your own body through masturbation, the countless times you've brought yourself to orgasm... so that when you finally did have sex with a partner, you knew exactly what made you feel good and what didn't. She needs this experience too. It's invaluable.

Try a different type of vibrator, one with several intensity settings. Sounds like the one you used the first time was too intense - try a gentler one. Make sure her clitoris is well lubricated when it comes to vibrators or fingers. Buy some KY jelly if you haven't already. Everything must be wet.

The 3-5 times a week is mainly for intimacy. We both enjoy being intimate with each other

As for masturbation, she does not particularly enjoy this as she can not get aroused and is not comfortable with it. Is there any advice you could give to help with this?

We have tried various bullets/vibrators, yet they all do this, regardless of intensity

**Mes T** · 08-07-2011 03:11 AM

I would suggest that first and foremost she masturbates alone, if she's not doing so already. If she tries to masturbate in front of you that can be a bit stressful (added expectations, feeling like a failure when it doesn't happen). Once she's mastered the technique on her own, then of course it'll be much easier to share it with you, when she's ready.

This might be why she's not getting aroused. Too much pressure to suddenly, magically arrive at that "orgasm". She needs to go back to square one. She needs to think of things that turn her on. Movies, books, her imagination. What turns HER on as an individual. This is something she must pinpoint on her own, without anyone else in the bedroom with her.

She's got to get her mind into it, then she's got to just try to listen to what her body is telling her. It can take lots of time and practice, but I think once she stops feeling pressured or inadequate (as a lot of women who have trouble reaching orgasm do), the journey will be a lot easier for her.

**jns** · 08-07-2011 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by pika91

Hey

My girlfriend and I have been having a bit of trouble in regards to her recieving pleasure/enjoying sex.

We've been together for 8 months, and having sex for 4 months. She was a virgin before this, so she has only been having sex for the time we have been together.

During sex, she is unable to reach orgasm. If I try to use my fingers to stimulate her, it is not effective and becomes uncomfortable for her.

When I try oral or using my hand on her, she does not feel pleasure from it. A few times she has orgasmed from this, but it has either been really low intensity, or after half a second it feels like too much and it stops immediately. Clitoral stimulation is the most effective option, but even then, she does not feel pleasure. We tried using a vibrating bullet, but it pushed her over too fast and was too high in intensity.

We have researched and most answers replied "try some masturbation to get to know your body". This has been tried, but as she is uncomfortable with masturbation, this has not been effective.

As of late, she has lost a lot of interest in sex and can not get aroused. We guess that this could be from the above situation. For the past month in particular, although we've been having sex, she has not been aroused or in the mood, but we still wanted the intimacy. We have sex roughly 3-5 times a week.

Is this level of libido normal, or is it too low?

Any advice on how to get her pleasure will be greatly appreciated, as this has stressed/upset myself and her out a bit.

It sounds like her libido is fine, just that she should be getting more out of the sex.

(Mostly from a post I did on another thread)
The "too much" feeling may be that her clitoris is becoming engorged and erect. When it does this, it may stick out from under it's hood and be subject to direct stimulation. That stimulation may be too much. Try stimulating her clitoris through the hood instead: on the sides instead of at the front. If doing oral, do not try to stick your tongue up under the hood unless you are sure you are sure she is not getting too much stimulation.

As for keeping the feeling from getting to be too much, try building up the feeling, then slowing down without ever stopping. Then start building up the feeling again with faster motion, then slowing down again. Repeat for a number of cycles to build up the sexual tension. The build up phase may be several minutes or longer depending on how much sensation she is getting. The slow down should probably last a couple of minutes. Also, have her relax and relax some more. I would shy away from using a vibrator due to her getting too much sensation. Hands or oral sex should work the best. Make sure your touch is light and you use adequate lubrication if you use your hands.

**pika91** · 08-07-2011 08:27 AM

I would suggest that first and foremost she masturbates alone, if she's not doing so already. If she tries to masturbate in front of you that can be a bit stressful (added expectations, feeling like a failure when it doesn't happen). Once she's mastered the technique on her own, then of course it'll be much easier to share it with you, when she's ready.

She is extremely uncomfortable with masturbating on her own (or at all). She is uncomfortable with being sexual, but she has engaged in sex because of intimacy and wishing to feel closer (for example, she feels uncomfortable walking into sex shops).

When you mentioned that she should try exploring/masturbating, did you mean in situations where aroused or at any point in time. Because she is unable to naturally get aroused, she doesn't want to force masturbation when it isn't wanted, like eating when you're not hungry.

**pika91** · 08-07-2011 08:41 AM

Also, we wished to ask a few questions.

Since we have been having sex for 4 months, and we have heard from others that it took a year to feel pleasure, does this mean the not feeling pleasure is a time based thing?

What is considered a normal libido and what is considered a low libido?

One of her friends says she wants it all of the time, which makes her wonder why she doesn't want it at all, when others want it a lot?

Thanks to everyone helping out and giving us advice for this

**jns** · 08-07-2011 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by pika91

She is extremely uncomfortable with masturbating on her own (or at all). She is uncomfortable with being sexual, but she has engaged in sex because of intimacy and wishing to feel closer (for example, she feels uncomfortable walking into sex shops).

When you mentioned that she should try exploring/masturbating, did you mean in situations where aroused or at any point in time. Because she is unable to naturally get aroused, she doesn't want to force masturbation when it isn't wanted, like eating when you're not hungry.

I'm a guy and I have always felt uncomfortable about walking into sex shops, so I think her reaction is normal.

Feeling uncomfortable about masturbation is also common as she is not comfortable about manipulating her own body and probably feels that masturbation is not something good girls do. Her doing it in private without you wanting a daily report will probably help, but I know that you want to know if she is making progress. Try doing it on her from time to time and ask her for input. If she has found some breakthroughs, she will want you to do them, too.

Originally Posted by pika91

Also, we wished to ask a few questions.

Since we have been having sex for 4 months, and we have heard from others that it took a year to feel pleasure, does this mean the not feeling pleasure is a time based thing?

What is considered a normal libido and what is considered a low libido?

One of her friends says she wants it all of the time, which makes her wonder why she doesn't want it at all, when others want it a lot?

Thanks to everyone helping out and giving us advice for this

Her reaching a full orgasm is not time related. Some may take a journey that takes a year. Others may reach their destination in a day. With some, it is only going through a door that requires the right key to unlock. Without the right key, the door cannot be unlocked.

My definitions: once a month is low libido. Once a week is trending that way. Several times a week is normal as is once a day. Several times a day is high libido.

Different people have different libidos and sexual desires. It sounds like she has a low libido whereas her friend has a high libido. She and her friend probably don't understand each others level of sexual desire.