need some sex help

**funinthesun** · 08-09-2011 02:11 PM

Hello, Im new to this website and in need of some advice. Me and my "soon to be husband" are madley in love and have been for 5 years. We have been engaged for 2 years...well my problem is this, when we first met his sex drive was high. this includes his forplay and also kissing. Now for the last 2 years I am always the one to Start trying to have sex. And somtimes he tells me " im tierd" or " I have a long day tomorrow".... somtimes I start giving him bj's and he loves is...and then sex follows..But i am always the one to start and we have talked about this alot and he always says ok..but nothing happens. I got a new toy resentley and we have been using it..but only when I insist on sex like I find my self doing alot latelty..... I feel like a desperate fool b/c alot if the time I dont get off during sex...but I want to so much so insist even thought im not getting much out of it..And also I am very open I tell him what I want and how I want it..and yet he dont respond...I want to make him interested in sex and me again..How can I do this..I went one month not insisting to see if he would..and he did not. So now im just begging for sex all the time and feel like a fool..what should I do? Sorry this is so long

**stressed** · 08-09-2011 02:43 PM

Some will tell you that this happens after 5 years. Others will tell you that you should postpone the wedding until this is solved.

You've talked about it, you've been patient, you've given him a month. Has he given you an explanation as to why this has started happening? Have you asked him why? Have you set a date for the wedding? Is he under stress?

I haven't come across a similar situation where the man improved after the woman 'insisted', it seems to make men worse to insist and the more you talk the worse it becomes as well, as it makes them a lot more self-conscious of the situation and they know you are right. This isn't a simple issue at all and you definitely don't want to be married to a man who isn't interested in sex. Since he doesn't respond, then he either doesn't care or is too afraid to fix it. He might even hope it will go away by itself.

**funinthesun** · 08-09-2011 02:56 PM

We have not set a date for the wedding yet. We want to plan it for next year but we are still working out the details. As far as stress Yes he is under stess with work and family. But should we let this interfear with our love life. I'm a understanding person but I dont belive stress should hold us back from love makeing. Or better yet make his interest stop for 2 yrs. I have several times asked him why he does not start sex. He says he is tiered. Then other times I ask him if there is anything special he wants that i'm not doing. He says no...so I keep doing the same things and also try new things to maybe get his sex drive going again. But it dont help. Should I try to back off again? It's gotten to the point were if he is playing his playstaion i'll go over and start flirting and try to feel him up alittle and say flirty things to him...well he just says " aggg leave me alown im trying ti relaxe" He thinks im trying to bother him and dont want him to relaxe..I DO want him to relaxe and I feel like im trying to control him by wanting sex while he is having fun...Should I Backoff again and try making him want me some how? How could I make him want me more? My idea is to back off again and dress up alittle more to get his attention...whats your thoughts?

**-Kya-** · 08-09-2011 03:58 PM

This is a difficult scenerio as I know how frustrating it can be if you want sex now, but your partner doesnt. Believe me it happens to me and I can always see the red haze. ha!
I dont think your continual advances are going to help with the matter, more that they are just going to annoy him further.

Its definitly a matter of communication. Don't go in all guns blazing, but you need to know whats happenening.

**funinthesun** · 08-10-2011 08:24 AM

Yes as of last night I started backing off again. And im trying to find a way to...well not care about sex so I can sleep instead of thinking " oh should I make a move again..." Last night I got to bed early and tryed to not thinking about it...It's very hard not to think about it..but i managed and sleeped..I dont know how long I can do this method of just ignoreing sex. I have done this before and it didnt work I dont know how this time is going to be any different...oh by the way im 24 and he is 26...I always thought at this age men want sex alll the time...

**Taos** · 08-10-2011 08:35 AM

funinthesun,

Please do not be offended, but you might want to reassess whether he's madly in love with you. I can understand once-in-a-while his turning you down. But if it occurs often either he's not as interested in you as you believe or he's got side action going on. If he's in love with you, he will rarely turn you down. And he will more often than not be the initiator.

A man who's in love with a woman will never allow her to beg for sex. He will want her to be sexually fulfilled, and he'll experience intense pleasure in fulfilling his love's desires.

Were I you, and I ain't, I'd start paying close attention to his nonverbal communication and read his cues. If he used to like sex a lot but has seemed to have lost interest there's a huge problem. Either he's scoring side action or your overestimating his love for you. Once your intuition has your mind questioning previously held assumptions, you're going to have to make a decision. And were I you I'd decided to separate for a while to ponder whether what you have is really what you want.

If your sexual relationship ain't got it goin' on now, it's only going to sink lower.

My Best.

Taos

**funinthesun** · 08-10-2011 08:50 AM

The only thing I ever discovered was Porn. And that was a couple months ago. I was on the c/p one day and saw on the history a massive amount of porn girl on girl...And this is when i got upset b/c he had told me at this time " i dont want to have sex b/c im stressed or tiered"...So I confronted him and he denied it 100%...and for a while he would lock him self in the bed room and " play games" on his c/p..and I would find porn on the c/p everytime..and everytime he would deny it...I got angry with him one day and told him that i would not mind porn as long as he still had a sex life with me...butr till this day he 100% says NO that he did not watch porn...and infact I saw him watching it on TV a couple times to....So that was our only problem as far as that goes...as of now I dont see porn anymore..but as far as our sex life its still the same...me always asking our flirting for it... As for love. That man says he loves he more then anything. He is always telling me how much he loves me...Yet maybe I am missing somthing. He is going throw alot of stress...yet is that a reason still to ignore me? and our sex life?

**stressed** · 08-10-2011 10:37 AM

Your situation is very familiar to me (playing console/pc games, not wanting you getting all too flirty, too tired for sex, porn etc. - I was engaged to such a person as well). I so understand your words about being unable to sleep, it's very hard not to not think about it when your man is right next to you in bed, you'll have to totally block sex off your mind in order to be happy with this man for as long as this lasts. He obviously satisfies himself with porn instead of you, he can deny it as much as we wants to but that's what he does. At the very best you will hear him say "yes, I masturbate to porn, but all guys do, it's normal" and that will be the end of the discussion. Problem is, why does he do that?

If it's stress then he shouldn't have any will/energy for porn either, because it's understandable to want to stay off sex for a while when there are family problems. But 2 years? And porn? With this reaction? No. He doesn't deserve to be called "a husband", I'm sorry. He either opens up and gives you an explanation for this, or you'll end up too bitter and frustrated to stay with him. It may not happen now or in 6 months, but it will eventually happen. If he doesn't care enough to fix it then you'll find someone who does. He hides behind games to waste time, get tired and just go to bed. He won't even notice you if wear anything sexy and it won't be your fault. This is very serious, so be careful. It's the kind of problem that ruins relationships and stains love.

**funinthesun** · 08-12-2011 01:33 PM

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have been trying to distract my self by reading at bed time or trying to sleep right away ( while he plays play station) So far im ok...but tempted like always. I'm not sure if i can go another month with the " no sex" game...I hate playing games and perfer to just have my finacee interseted in me like me was yrs ago...Thanks all

**Little** · 08-12-2011 02:16 PM

Taos, being new to the forum, you are understandably not familiar with the many, many, MANY cases we've seen concerning spouses who love each other dearly but have very mismatched sex drives.
Funinthesun, be prepared for this to NEVER change. The two of you may never come to a consensus or compromise here, and I suggest not marrying him unless you DO find that compromise. He may not be cheating mentally or physically - it could just be that his sex drive is much, much smaller than yours and it would be something you'd have to live with.

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