Thread: He doesn't feel anything during sex

Hi. Apologies in advance if this is pretty long/too much detail/graphic but I wanted to include anything that might be relevant towards getting some good advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five months, and started having sex around four months ago. We are both 19 and both lost our virginity to each other. For me it is my first ever relationship, while he has had a little previous experience. Personality wise, he has depression, and I am generally quite low on self-esteem and not a confident person at all, although he has been wonderful and made me feel much better about myself.

The issue is, he doesn’t feel anything during sex. Sometimes there is semen in the condom but he doesn’t feel himself ejaculate, and doesn’t orgasm either. We have had sex around 20 times. He has had some feeling earlier on in our sex life but it seems to have gradually decreased. I have only made him simultaneously orgasm & ejaculate once with a blowjob, often he has felt like he is close but it takes a long time of trying and it just doesn’t happen. Regarding handjobs, he feels the most when I grip tightly, quite fast and vigorously, and sometimes with two hands, but as above it takes a long time and doesn’t happen. The only time he has ejaculated during a handjob was unexpectedly quite soon into it, without orgasm, and this was like a week ago. I’m not entirely sure how often he masturbates himself, but I don't think he has particularly regularly over the past year or so as it takes a lot of effort to get an end result. I know he said the last time he tried a few weeks ago he could not achieve anything.

For me during sex, I can feel a lot in certain positions but never properly orgasm, and it doesn’t help that one of those positions is a standing up one which kills my legs so I can’t really keep it up for long. The ones which work best for me are ones where he has to do a lot of/all of the work as the position I end up in, I can’t really move a lot, which I realise isn’t great for him, especially if he’s wearing himself out and not feeling anything in return. I have felt pleasure in positions where I do equal amounts of work such as when I’m on top, but it’s nowhere near as consistent, I’ve noticed a decrease in it, and at certain angles it hurts, as if something inside is being hit. I’m still a bit tentative if we haven’t had sex in a while because I still feel a bit of discomfort when he enters me. I do masturbate but on the outside of the vagina rather than use a finger/dildo. He doesn’t like giving me oral sex and has never really done it properly, and I’m not so keen on him inserting a finger as I’m not big on how it feels, it seems uncomfortable and like it’s scratching me inside, although it’s not really painful.

It’s kind of getting us both down. I really want to be able to pleasure him and hear him moan and I hate not being able to, but I try not to blame myself because I know we are attracted to each other. We can get very turned on during foreplay especially if we are both really in the mood, and he gets an erection quite easily, same as I can get wet quite easily. I’m not as worried about myself personally because I’m not a hugely sexual person, quite naive and inexperienced and not hugely assertive or dominant during foreplay, although I have recently been gradually improving on this, so personally I believe I will gain confidence and develop over time and practice. He worries about his inability to orgasm as well as trying to please me, and the fact that he has depression as well, this issue is like another thing adding on top of it all and damaging his confidence even more. It’s kind of like we’re stuck in a cycle where neither of us orgasm, which makes us worry and stress about it, which in turn makes the problem worse. He doesn’t entirely agree with that concept because he argues that he hasn’t been able to ever since we started having sex, but my opinion is there’s still a degree of pressure even from the start of entering a sexual relationship.

We’ve searched around online and think that the issue might be ‘retarded ejaculation.’ However, I wanted to post in a forum about our issue specifically before we consider seeing a doctor or anything to see if there’s any advice we can get before taking that step so we can work towards resolving the problem first and leave that as more of a last resort. Thanks for reading, sorry I blabbed on so much haha, and thanks in advance for any advice

(forgot to add and it's not letting me edit: It's not a physical problem for him as he sometimes ejaculates while he is asleep.)

Hi
you would be better off focusing on his depression.
There is a lot of research that shows that depression is diet related.
Taking Fish Oil capsules can help turn around depression. Exersise and daily sunshine can also help.
You can also look into the use of light massage to boost mood and sexual performance.
The massage needs to be regular and will take weeks to work. Use it as pre foreplay.
The massage should be about maximum skin contact and cause feelings of relaxation.