Thread: Need some advice. Husband not paying attention, Leaving me hanging

Sorry took me so long to get back- busy weekend!

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I disagree with the poster that says its either he's lost interest or is seeing someone else. I seriously don't think those are the only two possibilities for his behavior and from what you've said about him there's no reason to think either would even apply to your situation.

It does sound like he's regressed on his sexual skills and this could be a passive aggressive act, or it could be some sort of sexual anxiety he's developed. Pointing out the negative NEVER brings good things. A mans sexual ego is ... its everything to almost all of them. Telling him he's doing something wrong, telling him he's turning you off, constantly berrating a performance, becoming annoyed, stopping the show when he does something you don't like etc... could all lead to him developing some sort of anxiety about sex, making him nervous , and 'virgin-like' as you said.

Always talk in positives. It makes me want to scream when you do this. I love it when you do that. Remember that time you did xyz? I fantasize about that ALL the time...positive reinforcement will likely lead to a way more pleasurable outcome than 'don't do this , or 'i hate it when you do that'.

I'll start with Hopeless Dork's response... You and Stressed, thank you for offering constructive advice! The rest after my last reply... you guys don't play too nice here, do you? I'll get back to that in a sec..

Thank you for your comment on the first part- trust me, I DO NOT think he has lost interest. Contrary to popular belief, I actually have some experience with being married to a man that has lost interest... Going back to my previous marriage, I would hang around the house naked for hours just trying to get him to notice me (this was more out of boredom, not the inability to make the first move!) seriously... he didn't even realize I wasn't wearing clothes! haha! Anyway, my dear Pete here? I'll be changing and hear him come home and I quick get dressed cause if I don't he'll drop everything when he sees me for a 10 minute handsy session not that I mind it, just usually if I'm getting dressed it's cause I have something I need to do and that 10 minutes will make me late! He pops in the shower hoping just to watch me bathe- I love this about him, he does make me feel desired and I know he has interest in me, I feel more female with him because of things like that than I think I ever have, being a recovering tomboy and all. And he most certainly wouldn't be cheating. Again, I know when my partner is cheating one from past experience, and two, that was one of the first major issues we discussed going into this.

I know you guys all think we got married to quick, but trust me on this, we sat down and hammered out all these things that people don't bother talking about until it is about to ruin their marriage. This includes, kids, money, household responsibilities, family AND cheating. We are both in agreement pretty solidly on this. As far as cheating goes- well, its impossible for him to cheat on me because I have asked him to please do openly when and if he comes to a time where he needs that either for the newness, difference, adventure... whatever many reasons people go outside of the marriage. It's not cheating if it's allowed. What else can I say? I don't have a jealous bone in my body. Of Course this entails the underline of do so reasonably, as in condoms and all that good stuff. But if there's anything I hate it's lying, and we both wished to create an environment for ourselves where there is not need to lie out of fear of rejection or unknown reaction. We both also agree that setting it up in this way actually reduces the need to sleep around outside of the marriage because it is no longer forbidden fruit or taboo. Neither one of us IS actually doing anything extramarital, but it's good to know trust is more important than possessiveness. Me personally, I have no reason to go outside of the marriage- one man is enough to figure out!! And I don't want to be with anyone else. But as for him, he's a one woman sort of guy- his dad cheated on his mom for years and he still resents his father for that in him not giving his full attentions to his family. So its really not that we have an open marriage, just that if it ever happens, sleeping with someone out side of it isn't a cardinal sin so long as the honesty is kept.

But I digress...

Yes, I know, proper communication mean highlighting the good and not directing fault or using words like never and always. I think this is something we all slip on though in moments of frustration. But with him, though I know I've slipped with negativity here and there, I can hear myself- I sound way more positive than I probably have the rest of my life. I can be by nature a negative person, but with him, I really put thought into trying to do that. But you are right, and I have certainly been in a situation where this has been true and seen the effects. With Pete, when this started- I really really was careful about not saying things like that- Lately, I guess I've let it slip a few times, but really it was after something like i mentioned above happening several times in a row and I'm like "why do you do that?! You know I don't like it and it turns me right off! WTH?" Then I feel bad a few minutes later and spend the whole night saying sorry. But I do tell him continually when he does something super awesome, and immediately follow it up with "now what can I DO for YOU". But It seems like he just plain forgets half of what I say was awesome. Is there a better way to communicate that?

But anyway, thank you for that- it is good advice. I am trying not to sound like that, but I will try harder.

Originally Posted by stressed

Odd he insists on doing things he knows you don't enjoy (I agree with most of your examples by the way. Why use a thumb for??). It's almost as if he wants to apply porn techniques in your sex life just because he saw them/they seem arousing and not because you enjoy them. If he goes on like this you'll lose all interest in sex with him and it will definitely become a chore like you said. If he was like that from the start I'd understand it, but such a change in technique... I can only think of porn to blame, but I could be wrong.

Haha! Don't I wish! No, he actually doesn't really watch porn. He's kind of a dork really spends more time reading about D&D and other RPG's that most men ought to at 32. I don't mind it, I think it's kind of endearing, but really- between his final fantasy on his PSP and online pathfinder role playing, he doesn't leave himself much time for porn or even the ol' jerk off in the shower. I've actually encouraged it in the past hoping it would help- just not where his interest is. Not that he isn't sexual- he really is, just not into the typical guy end of it I guess. Maybe, not enough stimulus of that kind, rather than too much? Don't know.

Originally Posted by Seeker_Advice

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N !! Seems like there is a lack of it - IMO.

You say that you have had several conversations about what you like, etc. Sounds to me like you've talked "to him" and not with him and vice versa.

Something else you said that struck me as odd..."and outside the bedroom we have a pretty good relationship". Really? Is that all?

I would start over with open honest communication between both of you. By the way, communication is significantly different then being lectured to... I would be willing to bet, that after about the fourth word of you saying what you like/want/expect in bed, he's tuned you out and is on to something else in his mind...

Really? You didn't read the whole post about us BOTH telling each other what we like and dislike. He does an awful lot of telling me what he wants too- "do that thing where.." "man, I loved it when you..." and I remember all of it to the best of my ability, and check in often.

You meant "at him" rather than "to him" I assume? Now, when it comes to sex and our relationship that is something I am very careful about not doing. I know the damage that kind of one sided communication can cause. Though, as I said above, I may not be as positive as I should be, but He gets as much time to tell me and and me listen as I expect of him, if not more. Now, I may do some "talking at" about wet towels and dirty dishes- but if it's my job to run the house, I get that privilege once in a while But I know the difference, I should have hoped that was obvious by my context. But by the tone of most of the replies here, it is my job to just do whatever he wants and not ask to enjoy it myself? Ok, I know that's exaggerating it some, but how can he know at all what thing in particular if i don't tell him? I sounds to me like this may be a bit or projection on your part?

Lastly, the part about our relationship being pretty good? Now, I know you know tone and inflection is lost on text posts... but would I really be here if it was as casual as you seem to think? I've never been the type to ooze and mush about anything. Our relationship is pretty good, pretty da*med good, in fact its freaking super. I think emotionally we have it better than most humans we know who are married combined. But if you want me to get mushy about it, well... I cant, I wouldn't even know where to start. Just not my nature.

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Go back to when you first had sex, it was amazing, you'd never experienced such good sex....

Can I assume, there was therefore, no talks about what you like, don't like, no body language to show what you like, or don't like, not discussions about this at all...

Then, what happened?

Because, all I read was you directing, talking, telling about your "don't likes" and I am wondering if he feels like a lesser man as a result, not good enough, therefore, not listening, not wanting sex anymore and even maybe deliberately doing something he knows you don't like.

After all, his ex-wife must have been a nightmare, he still has ill feelings towards her and he wanted to be happy this time, if you make him feel useless, can you not be bringing the past mentally into the forefront?

You also say that this is not like a marriage to you really, it's a bit of paper for insurance purposes.. So, I wonder if it is more of "I want" in the sex department as well, instead of love and intimacy and bonding and having a "good" marriage this time around.

Again, a bit presumptuous, sorry, but it is. No actually, during the months we were friends before we started dating, we had many TWO WAY conversations about just this very subject as well as others and that may have been a factor of why it was so good in the beginning. That was one of the reasons we choose to date, we had conversations into the wee hours about everything most nights he didn't have a date or I didn't work.

And no, you assumed wrong, because this is the very way it started- we started off FWB - yep, bed buddies, for a bit before really dating and a bit after only being friends. Being we were just friends at that time- we spent many naked nights telling each other, selfishly what to do. He did, and I did- it wasn't one sided and was half the time his idea. THIS ISN"T WHAT STARTED WHAT IS GOING ON NOW, just to clear up future assumptions. We both got a little more tender toward each other after deciding we made a good couple, not just bed buddies, but telling each other, bluntly what to do where was nothing new.

Sexually- well, that's an assumption again. Sure, sex is sometimes about I want, He wants- and sometimes it is about "love and intimacy and bonding and having a "good" marriage this time around". Sometimes it's about that without sex at all. As humans, we need both. Just because we can have just sex, that means we can't also make love in another encounter? Further, just a note- just because two people have love and intimacy, does not automatically mean they have a good marriage. And just because that wasn't my main concern in coming here doesn't mean it isn't something in our marriage that we tend to and grow.

Originally Posted by jns

FashionablyLate, this looks to be a clash of two type A personalities in which you are no pushover and he is trying to assert control. Unfortunately, you two didn't wait long enough to see why the other really got divorced. It was: we know each other from long ago, so we have something to talk about; we can also talk bad about our exes; and we have really good sex together. After marriage, in the bedroom it was on his side: how many chicken pucky games can I play to get my way, with you fighting back much of the time. Outside the bedroom, you two run together, which is why you don't fight there because you are not competing with each other.

Maybe have an open marriage, but better would be to get divorced, but still live together as best friends. Have your own separate sex lives, but don't bring them back to the place you live together.

Just a thought.

No, we did wait long enough- long enough for us. We both had met each others ex's through out the years just running into one another here and there. While I won't relay particular incidences, I can say there's no big secrets about why our respective ex's were evil. We are both two pretty well adjusted and clear headed individuals, I don;t think there have been or will be any big surprises. Just because long courtship is right for one person doesn't mean it's right for another. How about I just start calling him my boyfriend?? Would that take some of the bias out of these answers?

Why do you all sound like you think I am driving this relationship, making him do things he doesn't want and holding things back from him he does? Just because I didn't start off with our whole history? Really? that would be about a book long.

No, that's not what it was at all. It's what I mentioned here anecdotally. Sure that's why we met up the first time, because it was ironic with our similar histories and running into each other just then- but that isn't our defining moment of commonality, heck no! And no that isn't was it is at all. Try asking more questions first?

No, actually after going out a few times as friends, more and more we found just how much we have in common and just how much we think a like and agree on things, and how we were able to enjoy the same things the same ways- we found ourselves saying what a shame it was we never got to know each other better 10 years ago and saved ourselves all that hassle because we make better match for each other than we both thought would ever happen. But of course, I hadn't really had the opportunity to need to tell you this until just now... But I love how you assume we are both still living in our high school brains.

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Seriously, Stressed and Hopeless Dork And Oxy-Moron- thank you for constructive non-judgmental advice. I will use what I can. All the rest.. wow, really? All that preaching about communication and all you can do is make assumptions and judgments? sheesh...

Some board you all got here! Thanks though! Just a shot in the dark asking around, and welp, that's why I don't normally use forums.

Bye!

Its refreshing that you are being honest with yourself about the situation and realizing things you may be/may have been doing that aren't exactly promoting things getting better-- its really the only way they will. Problems in relationships usually are not one-sided, but sometimes it can feel like its all the other persons fault (and well, sometimes it really is lol) but seeing things that way will not help make them better... it'll stay the same. It sounds like you love this man and that you do truly want things to work, so it might take asking for his help to fix it but to also, yes.. make some concessions yourself to try to get over this hump.

When a guy's sexual ego gets bruised, thats all he hears. If you say wow that xyz you did almost turned me straight off... you can spend the next 2 weeks saying all the awesome things he does... what he will remember is that he turned you off.

No more than women. If a guy were to say his wife, wow... you really have let yourself go, you've gotten huge... but ahh... that dress is pretty and your make up is lovely honey. He can spend the next 3 months complimenting her perfume and taste in accessories but that kick to the gut on her weight is all she will hear over and over... it will likely make her feel low about herself, insecure and like he doesn't really enjoy all those other things about her he says... how could he? When he thinks something so horrible about something so important?

Difference with women is stuff like that might turn us off sex completely, might cause a silent treatment or some fights... but with men, it will likely rear its head in the bedroom with some good old fashioned sexual anxiety.

Going forward try to keep it as positive as you can and you can never say enough how good something is when its good, sending him a text the morning after while hes at work and saying SPECIFICALLY what felt the best to you... etc.. and just try to keep your sexual play less intercourse and less orgasm centered.. more about just teasing and pleasure and being close, no pressure type vibe. I'd give that whole thing a good honest try for a while to see if he starts to gain some confidence back and become the man who use to really rock your world.

** just to add... you'll notice my advice is highly centered on things YOU can do to TRY to make things bettter... there are tons of things he can and should be trying to , but you know what they say about people and change-- they really truly do have to 1. see a problem and 2. want it to be better... you telling them there is one, and that they should want it to be better would work in a perfect world but in most cases, its best to focus on yourself and what you can do since you are the only one you have any control over... and you can only hope that the man you love will take note of the efforts your making and put in his own as well. And if he doesn't... then its time to talk.

But I'd avoid having a negative sex talk as much as possible since it could backfire by fueling even more sexual insecurities on his part, causing a vicious cycle... know what I mean?