Need some advice. Husband not paying attention, Leaving me hanging

**FashionablyLate** · 08-11-2011 05:36 AM

Hi there! OK, so I'm new. I really have NO idea who to talk to about this. I honestly have no girlfriends to ask for help, in fact the only female I regularly talk to is my husbands mom. Haha, that would go over well. So I need some married people advice. This is what I suppose is a common issue, but common solutions don't seem to be working.

So here goes. We've been married coming up on two years. I'm 30, he's 32. We've known each other since I was 17. Long story short- We both married different people after losing contact around our early 20's/late teens. We both managed to marry demon people

he got divorced in 2007 and I got divorced in late 2008. Around that time shortly after my divorce he found me online and we went to have a drink and b**ch about our respective ex-spouses and the last almost 10 years... and the rest is history, as they say.

So here we are. When we first got together in a dating sense a few months after first seeing each other again, the sex was AMAZING. I mean, I had no idea it could be so good and coming from a loveless marriage, no idea I could actually want it all the time. Seriously, we were in tune, he could last all night, go 3 4 or more times, and never did those annoying little things men do to women in bed that we have NO IDEA who told them they should do that. After about a year of dating, moving in together and all that... we got married. It was pretty informal, after our previous marriages, we just wanted the solid relationship more than the big deal wedding- it was at the courthouse then to a local pub

Since a little before getting married, sex has dwindled a bit. I mean, I know- it's to be expected that it's not always going to be fireworks. But where we are now is ridiculous. He's gone from my every fantasy in bed, to feeling like I'm with a virgin every single time.

I love him, he's my best friend, and outside of the bedroom we have a pretty good relationship. We talk through our problems, we never fight, we have no secrets- I couldn't have asked for a better marriage really. We've had some major stresses over the last two years, but we just bought our first house and things have calmed down and gotten normal again for both of us. With the prior stress, I can understand the problems, but now.... that we have pretty normal lives again I'm really confused.

I mean, It's gotten really bad- IF we even have sex once a month it might go like he does something I'VE TOLD HIM turns me off right off the line, so then I start having a few issues getting back into the mood, then he's jumping around from diving right in to 5th gear then whip-lashing back into 1st gear. I mean, really- LIKE A VIRGIN. Kissing has even gotten bad- I mean, the way he does it has completely changed to "I've never kissed before and don't know how". so I try to avoid the kissing and move on to other stuff. We've had many long talks about what I like, what turns me on, vs. what he likes and so on. I've been pretty clear about I definitely don't like this but really like this other thing and so on. Even while in bed I've tried guiding as nicely as I can, telling him what feels nice, or when I don't like something suggesting something else. Most of the time he simply isn't paying attention. I HAVE tried getting his attention by finding things to do that totally blow his mind with the hopes it would bring his mind back into the bedroom, but it hasn't worked- seemed almost like wasted energy because it didn't cause him to feel the need to do anything to blow my mind even in the following months.

I've tried buying us books, and show and tell, and all the obvious stuff. But nothing works. Some nights we don't even get to sex, just the heavy petting turns into a turn off and I totally get out of the mood and nothing even happens. Other nights we manage to get past the awkwardness to the sex and if he isn't finishing immediately then he spends the whole time trying not to and not letting me enjoy it with him. Like, it goes: "oh right there, that feels really good" and I feel myself really starting to enjoy it- then right as I say that he stops- trying not to finish or he isn't even about to but for some reason totally changes whatever it was he was doing that I liked. If I don't say anything and try not to distract him, as soon as I start moaning a little bit and getting into it 99% of the time he will stop what ever it was and change to a position that doesn't do it for me, then finish and leave me hanging. OR if I hold him where he is, he'll get into it to and then suddenly FORGET TO MOVE! It will go from really nice and hot, to an uphill struggle to even keep the momentum long enough for me to enjoy it- which I don't because then I'm just annoyed.

Every time we are together he does something or touches me in a way that I've told him I don't like to hurts or turns me off. And I tell him I don't like that, but I like this- and every time he act like it's the first time i've said it. If my body language shows that I don't like something or I am enjoying something he is clueless about it.

Basically- any physical intimate time we have ends in awkwardness, frustration, stopping short and so on. He's gone from the best I've ever had to probably the worst I've ever had.

And now- really I'm finding it harder and harder to even want to be with him. I find myself pulling away from him touching me. Finding ways to avoid sex- and I hate it! It's so unlike me- but all I can think lately is "I don't want to do it because its just going to leave me tired, sore and frustrated" It's turning into a chore- and I worry that this is or will start to affect the rest of our relationship if we don't fix it. Niether one of us has any abuse or sexual problems in our past- we are both normaly pretty open and uninhibited about sex...

We can't afford therapy (our insurance sucks too) so that really isn't an option and I'm hoping maybe someone here can give me some insight or new perspective?

Sorry! That was incredibly long! But thank you in advance for reading it!

**stressed** · 08-11-2011 02:15 PM

It sounds like the problem in your relationship is that you married. It suddenly started right before marriage and you've had major stresses over the last two years, you've been married for two... It's as if you both need to set your attitude back to the pre-marriage times. If sex was great with him before, how could it have changed so suddenly just because of marriage? It sounds like you've become more like relatives/company partners than lovers. You have to start doing special things together, see each other for who s/he is instead of 'my husband/my wife'.

He can't have forgotten everything he was good at before marriage, he just doesn't do it the same way anymore. That's where you have to start.
You also got married quite quickly if I may add.

**oxy-moron** · 08-11-2011 08:31 PM

The Honeymoon is over. You get a boost of hormones in the early part of the relationship that provides the passion feeling and fires up the sex.
Obviously he knows how to light your fire already but the desire to do so has dropped away. You will be less tolerant of him too. What you would previosly written off as a mistake you will now see as a deliberate atempt to make you angry.
What are the things that you refer to as "and never did those annoying little things men do to women in bed that we have NO IDEA who told them they should do "
Maybe it is what interests him but you have no desire in going there yourself- you just want to do things that you like.
It seems that the may not be geting what he wants from you so he has decided to make sure you dont get what you want from him.

**FashionablyLate** · 08-11-2011 11:11 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

It sounds like the problem in your relationship is that you married. It suddenly started right before marriage and you've had major stresses over the last two years, you've been married for two... It's as if you both need to set your attitude back to the pre-marriage times. If sex was great with him before, how could it have changed so suddenly just because of marriage? It sounds like you've become more like relatives/company partners than lovers. You have to start doing special things together, see each other for who s/he is instead of 'my husband/my wife'.

He can't have forgotten everything he was good at before marriage, he just doesn't do it the same way anymore. That's where you have to start.
You also got married quite quickly if I may add.

It honestly started that way shortly before we talked about getting married. We were only 'engaged' for about a month. Yes, I know it sounds quick and stupid- but it was the right choice for us at the time. The last 10 years for me were - My ex husband whom I thought was the love of my life joined the army without telling me- yes people do that. I suddenly found myself alone in another country for two years when he was deployed. I lost all contact with most of my friends back home and when I finally got here again (was 7 years before I came back for good after all the moving), everyone had moved on, too many years past to rekindle old friendships, hard to make new ones at my age it seems, everyone already has their circles and habits set but aren't old enough to know better. Anyway, that had ended because while in the army he became an angry, bitter dug addict. It took the better part of two years getting away from him. During the divorce my dad passed away suddenly. This triggered my mom to get absolutely loony and find every reason to blame me for the problems in her life, despite my trying to help where I could. So now here it is 2011 and I haven't talked to her in over two years. Trust me I have tried, she's perfectly content in her sad little world.

So, back when me and Pete- that's the husband, moved into together, his divorced father was on a downward slope in drinking and had to be moved in with us. He passed away from stroke last may. Hard to tell a grown man what to do, believe me we tried to clean him up.

Petes divorce was about like mine- his ex tried to extort nearly %60 of his pay. He was scared of her. Back when we were just friends we went and had his divorce papers reviewed by a lawyer and got him out from under her. They were only married 4 years, no kids- the majority of the debt was her spending- he didn't know he didn't have to pay her a cent after divorce.

Me and Pete bought this house shortly after his dad passed- since then things have gotten better and mostly normal again.

Really marriage for us isn't a formal affair. It was really just that having that piece of paper made our lives easier, able to share insurance, recover more taxes, share our name with finances. Neither one of us wants to be with anyone else, or ever wade through the dating pool again. But we have talked about it- this time around feels a lot more casual as far as the big M is concerned. We tend to view ourselves as simply a couple, with no major descriptor except for legal affairs. Obviously because of our respective experiences, it might be hard to really view marriage in the fashion that the rest of the world does, ever again. But the point is I'm not sure it was entirely the 'title' change to our relationship that could be the major player in the problem. But I WILL bring it up with him and find out if I'm completely wrong.

But It wasn't a sudden change- it was kind of gradual- two steps back one forward kind of thing. Just now, I've run out of ideas.

Originally Posted by oxy-moron

The Honeymoon is over. You get a boost of hormones in the early part of the relationship that provides the passion feeling and fires up the sex.
Obviously he knows how to light your fire already but the desire to do so has dropped away. You will be less tolerant of him too. What you would previously written off as a mistake you will now see as a deliberate attempt to make you angry.
What are the things that you refer to as "and never did those annoying little things men do to women in bed that we have NO IDEA who told them they should do "
Maybe it is what interests him but you have no desire in going there yourself- you just want to do things that you like.
It seems that the may not be getting what he wants from you so he has decided to make sure you don't get what you want from him.

No, I know that about the 'honeymoon' period- I don't really see it as a deliberate attempt to make me angry, more just lack of caring enough not to. As afr as him getting what he wants... man oh man. Ok, maybe now I'm not a zealous in carrying out those desires- but when the first started being a real problem, I was extra special careful to make sure I was putting all the effort I could in it and constantly making mental notes about how to make it better and better for him. I mean, seriously- road head?! I've never done it, but I did, it sounded like something he wanted but wouldn't come right out and say. I tried 'all him' nights for his enjoyment only, car sex- my idea, I made the first move. Toys, tying up. Really, all the things I could think of that might cause some spark. Then I'd drop little hints and such about the sort of things I want, but it seems me spoiling him like that has made it to where now he expects me to be doing all the well, doing. If I don't get creative, no one does.

He really acts more like people think most women do, he won't ever come right out and tell me what he wants, he drops little hints, I have to do detective work to figure it out. I know he likes it when I do make those moves because he'll bring it up constantly talking about some of the best sex or sexual encounter he ever had. But really, how long am I suppose to keep this up? I'm running out of desire with it being so one sided. I mean, there isn't a lot I won't do, REALLY. He knows this. I'll try anything once too, just if it doesn't do it for me, it doesn't do it for me, I'm not going to lye there and grin and bear it if I've tried and and don't like it. The list of things I don't like is quite short in comparison to things I do. I just really don't understand how he could not be getting what he wants and thusly withholding from me. Sure, I haven't gone out of my way for him in that fashion lately... but how many times can I before even that is a chore? When does he finally go out of his way for me? Dang it- can't be all about his wants, can it?

Back to your other question: What are the things that you refer to as "and never did those annoying little things men do to women in bed that we have NO IDEA who told them they should do " Maybe it is what interests him but you have no desire in going there yourself- you just want to do things that you like. I mean more like ways of doing things and technique. Not whole acts. Excuse me if I sound vulgar, but like: rubbing the clit up with dry fingers (feels like nails on chalkboard!), using a thumb instead of a finger (man I hate that, there is virtually no feeling on the FLOOR of my vag, wrong direction), Biting the vulva- yes I know some girls like this, but not as many as men seem to think!, finding the clit vs rubbing the urethra/pubic bone, touching the g spot correctly- too far up and I feel like I have to pee all the sudden, anal play is fine- but it has to be worked up to- not right off the starting gate or it just plain hurts....and so forth.

See it isn't me just wanting to do what I like, just these kinds of things are major turn offs and easily avoided- For instance like giving a blow job- rule number one, watch the teeth, right? The situation is like if the first while a guy was with someone he got regular blow jobs and it was awesome, no teeth, extra use of hands, touch and pulling in just the right spots with the right pressure... then... a few years later, this same guy gets a blow job from the same girl and shes sloppy with the teeth, shes tugging on it like it were a dog toy, shes dragging her nails on his scrotum... he'd be really put off an confused right?

There isn't anything I won't do, I just want some consideration added to certain acts, and yes- I fully think this needs to be 50/50. I'm not totally big on car sex, but its great for him, I'll do it- just seems there should be something I get to be on the other end of that with, right?

Anyway, thank you for the replies so far!

**stressed** · 08-12-2011 01:00 AM

Odd he insists on doing things he knows you don't enjoy (I agree with most of your examples by the way. Why use a thumb for??). It's almost as if he wants to apply porn techniques in your sex life just because he saw them/they seem arousing and not because you enjoy them. If he goes on like this you'll lose all interest in sex with him and it will definitely become a chore like you said. If he was like that from the start I'd understand it, but such a change in technique... I can only think of porn to blame, but I could be wrong.

**Seeker_Advice** · 08-12-2011 10:55 AM

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-I-O-N !! Seems like there is a lack of it - IMO.

You say tht you have had several conversations about what you like, etc. Sounds to me like you've talked "to him" and not with him and vice versa.

Something else you said that struck me as odd..."and outside the bedroom we have a pretty good relationship". Really? Is that all?

I would start over with open honest communication between both of you. By the way, communication is significantly different then being lectured to... I would be willing to bet, that after about the fourth word of you saying what you like/want/expect in bed, he's tuned you out and is on to something else in his mind...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-12-2011 04:00 PM

Go back to when you first had sex, it was amazing, you'd never experienced such good sex....

Can I assume, there was therefore, no talks about what you like, don't like, no body language to show what you like, or don't like, not discussions about this at all...

Then, what happened?

Because, all I read was you directing, talking, telling about your "don't likes" and I am wondering if he feels like a lesser man as a result, not good enough, therefore, not listening, not wanting sex anymore and even maybe deliberately doing something he knows you don't like.

After all, his ex-wife must have been a nightmare, he still has ill feelings towards her and he wanted to be happy this time, if you make him feel useless, can you not be bringing the past mentally into the forefront?

You also say that this is not like a marriage to you really, it's a bit of paper for insurance purposes.. So, I wonder if it is more of "I want" in the sex department as well, instead of love and intimacy and bonding and having a "good" marriage this time around.

**Taos** · 08-12-2011 04:57 PM

FashionablyLate,

It appears that there is something bothering your husband that he's not disclosing. Men don't usually go from the intensity you've experienced to virtually nonexistent without cause.

If the cause were work or something other than your relationship and you're great friends, he would have told you. There is something more seriously wrong.

If his libido was pronounced but has declined in intensity, there's a reason.

Here, I'll cut to the chase. Either he's getting side action or he's lost interest in you. You're going to have to reconcile his going from the most fantastic sex you've ever had to what appears to be annoying sex. A man who is in love with a woman will never continually disappoint her. If he doesn't kiss you passionately, that's a huge clue. If he's not interested and just wants it over, that's another huge clue. Sex should never be a chore or act. Sex should always be a mystical experience in which you're forever looking forward to creating the next mystical experience.

FashinoablyLate, I would begin deciphering his motivation in order to prepare for which you're praying you'll avoid. Please don't hate the messenger, but there's there there. Were I you, I'd be trying to figure out what the there is and what it means.

My best to you, FashionablyLate,

Taos

P.S. I love the Doors' "Twentieth Century Fox" if that's where you got your moniker.

**jns** · 08-15-2011 06:04 PM

FashionablyLate, this looks to be a clash of two type A personalities in which you are no pushover and he is trying to assert control. Unfortunately, you two didn't wait long enough to see why the other really got divorced. It was: we know each other from long ago, so we have something to talk about; we can also talk bad about our exes; and we have really good sex together. After marriage, in the bedroom it was on his side: how many chicken pucky games can I play to get my way, with you fighting back much of the time. Outside the bedroom, you two run together, which is why you don't fight there because you are not competing with each other.

Maybe have an open marriage, but better would be to get divorced, but still live together as best friends. Have your own separate sex lives, but don't bring them back to the place you live together.

Just a thought.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-15-2011 08:16 PM

I disagree with the poster that says its either he's lost interest or is seeing someone else. I seriously don't think those are the only two possibilities for his behavior and from what you've said about him theres no reason to think either would even apply to your situation.

It does sound like he's regressed on his sexual skills and this could be a passive aggressive act, or it could be some sort of sexual anxiety he's developed. Pointing out the negative NEVER brings good things. A mans sexual ego is ... its everything to almost all of them. Telling him he's doing something wrong, telling him he's turning you off, constantly berrating a performance, becoming annoyed, stopping the show when he does something you don't like etc... could all lead to him developing some sort of anxiety about sex, making him nervous , and 'virgin-like' as you said.

Always talk in positives. It makes me want to scream when you do this. I love it when you do that. Remember that time you did xyz? I fantasize about that ALL the time...positive reinforcement will likely lead to a way more pleasurable outcome than 'don't do this , or 'i hate it when you do that'.