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Thread: My boyfriend says i can't please him like porn can.

  1. 08-13-2011 07:59 AM #1
    0nel0vee
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    Default My boyfriend says i can't please him like porn can.

    My boyfriend has always been into porn. Hes always had quite the collection, and its never been problem. That is until now. We had a baby 7.5 months ago and since then our sex life has gone down the drain. But its not due to our child. He had always been the one to initiate sex, but it had been a while so i decided that i would initiate it, and in turn was turned out because he was either too tired or not in the mood. It wasn't until one night i could hear him masturbating on the baby moniter, one of the same nights that he had turned me down. We then had an explosive argument about it and he had said that i can't please him like porn can. And that i was too "loose". Now in my defense i gave birth to a 9 lb baby. But it still hits me hard. I then realized that this was why he refused to hug me or be near me for that matter, he is no longer interest in sex with me, and he had made this extremely clear. Again this hits hard, i feel very disgusting and unattractive. I know that things aren't going to be the same, im just looking for idea's on how to cope with truths that are not so easily taken.
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  2. 08-13-2011 08:33 AM #2
    jns
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    He has been training himself for really tight and rough with his hand. Of course you are too loose. You are competing with his hand. Others will tell you you can do Kegel exercises to tighten up. You two can do positions that are naturally tighter, such as modified missionary with your legs together and he straddling your two legs. But if he is fully addicted to his hand and porn, nothing will change. You made no mention of him bringing you to orgasm manually or by oral. He sounds selfish. Did he ever work at making sure you were pleased first?
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
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  3. 08-13-2011 08:40 AM #3
    Taos
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    OnelOvee,

    You can stick out your relationship with your replica of a man, or you can leave. If you stick it out thinking it's going to get better, rest assured that it won't. It will get worse, though. Telling you that you're "loose" after giving birth, which is assuredly a lie to justify his excuse for his much tighter hand, is a rotten thing to tell a woman under any circumstance. Rest assured, my ex had three kids. I could not tell any difference before & after birth. Do not allow that thing you call a boyfriend destroy your self-confidence and self-esteem.

    Your boyfriend has shown his true character to you, which is wholly inconsistent with a man. Maybe he didn't have a male role model in his life, or if he did he assuredly was a replica.

    There is no replica without the real deal. You just have to figure out for which you're willing to settle. Were I you, and I ain't, but if I were I'd be out looking for the real deal. Find a man's man with honor and character & you'll live the life of a princess.


    Take care,

    Taos
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  4. 08-13-2011 08:41 AM #4
    Little
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    What. A. Jerk.
    While it's totally normal for your sex life to take a hit after having a child, (my son is 8m old) eventually you both will begin to get over the fatigue of caring for a baby and the change to your family and be able to devote more time and energy to your sexual needs.
    He has decided to channel all his sexual energy into porn and AWAY from you ... thus making sure his own needs are taken care of and none of yours are. This is lazy and selfish. I'm in the camp that says porn use is okay in moderation and as long as it's not hurting the relationship. Others will respond differently, but this is clearly a problem that needs to be resolved ASAP.
    Vaginas can bounce back from childbirth. It's what they do. Him telling you that you're too loose is way out of line. But if it makes you feel better, you can do some kegels to tighten up what might not be like it was pre-baby.

    When I saw the title of this thread, my first thought was, "Kick that boy to the curb!" But having a child together makes it difficult. Is he this selfish and lazy about other things? How is he as a parent? Does he contribute his fair share to the household? If this problem is indicative of others, you may be better off raising the baby separately from him.
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  5. 08-13-2011 08:47 AM #5
    WildChild
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    Go to the informational site, "Your Brain on Porn" and get educated on this issue. Porn is addictive, it releases chemicals in the brain and the withdrawal is like heroin or nicotine when they quit. It rewires their responses in many ways. YOU can't "fix" this. He will have to get off of it and go through the withdrawal and then establish new behavior patterns. Watching it with him or acting it out, won't help. You absolutely should be doing kegels for your own health and benefit but you could develop total control, able to perform pompior and it wouldn't help.

    This is not about you. Not at all. Its about him and his problem.
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  6. 08-13-2011 08:49 AM #6
    Hopeless Dork
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    It sounds like he has some sexual disorders coupled with selfishness and obviously some major dbag like tendencies. He has zero knowledge of the female body to not understand that a baby doesn't wreck a vagina. That its a muscle and springs back afer healing. He probably has some sort of mental block about it and just THINKS its going to be big -- he's probably just intimidated by the fact a baby came out of there... some men are, especially porn obsessed men that see a vagina as a prop and not a functional space.

    He's trying to make you feel bad, he's trying to lower your self-esteem so that you will feel so bad about being loose you will 'understand' and not be upset that he'd rather beat off every day than be intimate with you. His tone and words to you do not sound like love.

    I am sure you are in love with this man, for if you weren't there is no way you'd allow yourself to be made to feel bad for bearing his child and still want to be with him.

    Truth is -- he's not going to change until he realizes what a jerk he's being, and if he's already aware of that... then it may be the way it is. Would he be okay with an open relationship? Like... he could have his porn and hand as his mistress and maybe you can go out and date a man that... isn't soley into his own five fingers? I mean really, where does this leave you? His needs are met, yours arent'... surely he can't expect you to stay happy like that. I am not suggesting you leave, not suggesting you cheat. I'm suggesting you have a talk with him about what he expects YOU to do when you need to feel close to the man you love, or a man in general -- where does that leave you?
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
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  7. 08-13-2011 08:52 AM #7
    0nel0vee
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    No he has never really focused on making sure i was pleased, after about a year together he had become of a "get in get out" sort of guy.
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  8. 08-13-2011 09:03 AM #8
    jns
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    BTW, congratulations on your baby.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    Patrick Henry
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