Boyfriend watching porn is leaving me so depressed, please help!

**elizathornberry** · 08-15-2011 09:07 PM

Hi all,

This is very long but PLEASE Read it and give me your opinions? I seriously need some help this is tearing me up inside : ( thanks!

I’m 20 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We have a good relationship and have sex all the time, needless to say I love sex and can’t get enough of it! …But for some reason he still looks at porn. Pretty much he looks at porn a lot, a couple times a week and has been lying to me about it. I’m a very insecure person because I’ve suffered through physical and sexual abuse as a child so the porn really bothers me and he knows this. I never asked him to stop because I’m not controlling, but he said he would when he realized how much it upsets me (literally tears me up inside). Well I told him I really appreciated that, and I was glad he was willing to make the change. Anyway he kept lying about it, saying he didn’t do it, and then I found some on his computer. I wasn’t even looking for it, it just popped up under recent google searches one day when I was using his laptop.

The main reason I don’t get it is… I send him pictures all the time! Sometimes we go for long stretches without seeing each other, but I always send him quite a variety of dirty pictures whenever he asks. I also have phone sex and talk dirty with him frequently. When he looks up porn online, he doesn’t look up videos, which baffles me because I thought guys got off to the act of having sex. If this were the case I don’t think it would bother me. BUT… he simply looks up pictures of other girls that look waaayyyy better than me (and obv gets turned on by them…) This I don’t get because I send him pictures all the time!!!

Anyhow… I talked to him about it and he continued to deny it even though I knew he was lying. Eventually I told him I knew he was lying and that I didn’t like how he had been dishonest with me. This hurt me even more that he was so dishonest!! Especially cuz we had had a very deep and emotional conversation where he said he would “do anything it takes” to make me happy and that he cared a lot about our relationship. But then I realized this was all a lie!! (of course he denies saying this)… I don’t get his deal! He even says he ‘thinks about me’ when he looks at them. He always resorts to that excuse – “I’m a guy, it’s normal” blah blah blah. But if I looked at porn or pics of naked guys he admits he wouldn’t like it – because “girls don’t do that” and it’s “not normal”. What kind of double standard is that?!!?!

Why would he look at it if he has plenty of personalized pictures? Why does he look at pictures and not videos anyway? Idk what I should do about the problem, he keeps saying he’s gonna stop, etc… but I have no way of believing him. Also after he lied to me more than once about it I don’t even know if I can trust him anymore :/

Whenever we have sex all I can think about is the porn and how much he loves it and gets off to other girls… I feel like I’m not even needed :/ … Seriously after we had been apart 7 days he had already masturbated 6x, using my pics 3x and porn 3x. Serioussllyy.. you will not die going a couple days without getting off! I don’t get it.

Sorry this is soo long, any help is greatly appreciated!!!

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-15-2011 11:44 PM

I personally don't have a problem with guys I'm with watching porn, they don't know those girls and if they're anything like me when I watch porn they're usually just obsessing over the actual act or seeing something on a screen that's a turn on. Men are visual, so are some women so if he's on his own it might make him come faster with a generic pic of whatever Or he could just be thinking along the lines of something different when he's turned on.but if he's lying to you he obviously still believes it is his right to wack off to whatever he wants to. If my bf told me I couldn't watch ten mins of porn so I could have a quickie alone when he's out of town I would tell him he could stick it. I don't see a correlation between sexual abuse experience and porn unless it's like hardcore fetish that reminds you of your abuse. If it's just pics I don't see the issue aside from your own insecurity. He's obviously very close minded if he thinks women shouldn't watch porn and I find this insulting for women everywhere. Try watching some porn, have a good look around til u find something that turns u on and ask yourself, " am I watching this cos the guy is hot or has a huge ? Or am I just turned on by the act and don't give a about the people doing it" he's not wacking off cos he wants that girl he prob just likes the scene in the pic. If he is a nice guy your going to push him away with your expectations, porn is damaging when it takes over a sex life or imposes it's characteristics on an act between a couple but a man or woman has a right to masturbate over whatever they want to. It'd be like if he was in a band and told u u could only listen to his music. It's controlling and constrictive

**elizathornberry** · 08-16-2011 04:52 PM

good post! thank you

**stressed** · 08-19-2011 08:18 AM

Regarding his comment: "girls don’t do that” and it’s “not normal”, he's obviously a guy who thinks men are more sexual than women (which is not true, it varies for every human being regardless of gender). He's obviously a lot into porn and that's a difficult habit to break. Unless it affects your sex life it will be impossible for him to quit this. I'm afraid it's a trait you have to accept if you want to stay with him.

**rcoreyus** · 08-19-2011 09:11 AM

I think that the key question is whether he is watching porn when he could be having sex with you. If he only watches it when you are not available, then I don't see it as a problem. If he starts ignoring you to watch, then that is a big issue.

In general I don't think there is any correlation between porn and abuse, unless the porn is of a type particularly degrading to women.

Its not unusual for men or women to want some sort of sexual release every day, so his masturbating when you are away doesn't seem like a big problem.

On the other hand, if he wants to look at pictures of naked women, then he has absolutely no reason to think that you shouldn't. From everything in your post, this is the one that worries me.