Your boyfriend masturbating behind your back

**stressed** · 08-19-2011 08:10 AM

With a sexually matched partner masturbation/porn doesn't even become a discussion topic with a partner, let alone an issue. That's the key and there's hardly any other general rule about it. It's all about a good sexual match. If it isn't there then anything can be a reason to blame, porn, masturbation, tiredness, the difference in hormones and genitals and so on.

Men who generalize about not getting enough sex because "men want it more than women" are usually men whose partners constantly neglect their needs and they think it's because "women don't like sex".

Women who generalize about men "wanting sex all the time" and "men are like dogs who'd sleep with anything given the chance" are usually women who don't enjoy sex as much, or they haven't had a partner who's made sex pleasurable for them.

That's my view.

**rcoreyus** · 08-19-2011 09:15 AM

I'm sorry you've had partners who were less attentive to your needs than you were to theirs. This really isn't true of all men, nor are all women willing to go out of their way to please their partners,

Originally Posted by Elanor-Jane

It's very easy to put forward this scenario but at the end of the day most people know which one is which. As much as I love my bf and feel as though he's letting me be as sexual as I want and our sex life is mainly on my terms, I'm still the one that offers to fix him up if he's tired and in the opposite scenario if I was too tired for sex but in my case kicking myself that I hadn't gotten to bed earlier the night bfr, we'd just go to sleep, no handjob for me! And this is the most accommodating hardworking sexual partner I've ever had. So I think the point that's trying to be made is why do women have it in their heads that we have to look after our mens needs but it's ok if ours fall behind a bit. It's deep seeded and it's taking alot of women alot of hard work to break free from these sexual stereotypes that still plague us in our own minds.
As far as masturbation I don't think anyone has the right to tell a man or a woman when they should or shouldnt masturbate and to what. I don't care if my bf has a "favorites reel" that may or may not have me on it. I don't always think of him when I masturbate, I usually think of something or watch something that's going to give me a quick fix, not a longwinded sensual experience, that's what sex with my partner is for!

**kygirl** · 08-19-2011 02:18 PM

Well this is all over the place, but thought I'd add my two cents

I have no issues with masturbation. I do think to some extent it can be healthy, and honestly if it's between his hand and some other woman, then by all means, relieve yourself when the need arises. My *only* issues with taking care of yourself, so to speak, is when it starts affecting the relationship. If you are doing that instead of having sex with me, when I am being open and obviously want to have sex, then there is an issue.

I'm a firm believer that you can wake me up, you can pause a movie, you can do whatever you need to. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Not the only part, but I do think most people need that intimacy and connection with their partner. If it starts to get where someone is relieving themselves rather than having that time with the person that they care about, then there is an issue.

I do know lots of women who may not have sex as a high priority, but I don't think that applies to everyone. I do think, however, that women are much more emotional creatures and it is much harder for us to separate our feelings from the act of sex. It's not just the sex, it's the argument we had earlier, or the fact that you were nice and did the dishes, whatever the case may be. I would say that often that feeling disconnected has a lot more to do with the not wanting to have sex than just not wanting it.

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-19-2011 07:22 PM

Rcoreyus- why are u sorry? Why is it that some men on this forum think they can make generalizations or sense out of strangers sex lives? I have a very satisfying sex life, thanks, I'm not trying to put men down but it is the feminist perspective that relationships are still unequal in many different aspects and this unfortunately comes down to the PAST u know like history, lol and how women have been treated and regarded as far as things like sex and the baring this still has on relationships today. Just because your a total snag doesn't mean the majority of other men are. Unless u have dated men you can't put this forward unless you are referring to yourself specifically. If the scales were equal there wouldn't be so many unsatisfied women posting on this forum. The lucky ones tend to be a bit older, I'm talking 25+ and I'm guessing had to put alot work themselves into gaining the sex life that they have. No man can teach u about your own body and what it likes or prefers even tho he may think he can.

**stressed** · 08-21-2011 03:16 AM

Originally Posted by Elanor-Jane

Rcoreyus- why are u sorry? Why is it that some men on this forum think they can make generalizations or sense out of strangers sex lives? I have a very satisfying sex life, thanks, I'm not trying to put men down but it is the feminist perspective that relationships are still unequal in many different aspects and this unfortunately comes down to the PAST u know like history, lol and how women have been treated and regarded as far as things like sex and the baring this still has on relationships today. Just because your a total snag doesn't mean the majority of other men are. Unless u have dated men you can't put this forward unless you are referring to yourself specifically. If the scales were equal there wouldn't be so many unsatisfied women posting on this forum. The lucky ones tend to be a bit older, I'm talking 25+ and I'm guessing had to put alot work themselves into gaining the sex life that they have. No man can teach u about your own body and what it likes or prefers even tho he may think he can.

Ehm, I think Rc meant that you, like every woman, deserve to have been with partners who cares equally for your satisfaction as you do about theirs. The majority of men isn't men who don't care, there are so many men who care about pleasing their partner, there are just others who don't want to. Relationships in our days become unequal only when we allow them to become unequal. When we tolerate phallocratic behavior like the one you express then it's our fault too. There has to be a balance. We can't just blame "society" in general every time, we have to look at our own actions too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-21-2011 03:34 AM

I too knowing Corey agree with stressed.

Why is it that some men on this forum think they can make generalizations or sense out of strangers sex lives? I have a very satisfying sex life, thanks, I'm not trying to put men down but it is the feminist perspective that relationships are still unequal in many different aspects and this unfortunately comes down to the PAST u know like history, lol and how women have been treated and regarded as far as things like sex and the baring this still has on relationships today. Just because your a total snag doesn't mean the majority of other men are. Unless u have dated men you can't put this forward unless you are referring to yourself specifically. If the scales were equal there wouldn't be so many unsatisfied women posting on this forum. The lucky ones tend to be a bit older, I'm talking 25+ and I'm guessing had to put alot work themselves into gaining the sex life that they have. No man can teach u about your own body and what it likes or prefers even tho he may think he can.

Some men on this Forum, feel for the poster as do some women... I don't see it as generalisation rather, talking back to "that" person and being genuine, just my take. There are tons of un-happy women on this Forum where sex is concerned hang about another 4 years

Just as there are tons of un-happy men on this Forum where sex is concerned, there is no answer, no cure because, it takes and constitutes "two people" to make anything work..

If they love, if they believe those two people can do anything. Absolutely anything....

If one falls, takes on a different thought pattern to the other, it all falls apart.

Plain and simple in any situation throughout life...

It is in-deed our own actions and well said, someone whom realises that we create what happens in our life, unless of course we no know different, there aren't always guidelines, rules to follow or acknowledge if not give and in sexual relationships there are no rules, guildlines apart from this one.

If you want a relationship to work it take compromise and two people, together. Or it fails.

And it takes work...

If it fails you have no choice but to walk..

No one wants to feel used.

No one wants to feel left out.

No one wants to feel not heard.

And, no one wants to feel they give all and get nothing in return.

They are the facts about an un-successful relationship.

Your only option is to walk because we have one life and one life only, live it happy and in togetherness...

**Mes T** · 08-21-2011 03:43 AM

Wow this thread, nothin like a good healthy debate to get the blood flowin'! My circulation's improving already.

There's lots of things I would have liked to say that have already been so eloquently expressed by the others posters, so a big BRAVO to all y'all.

However, I gotta say I really don't understand the whole premise of the OP. I think there's been some confusion or misinterpretation, with all due respect to you Thomas, of course. I don't know WHAT woman would ever complain about a guy masturbating while SHE is not in the mood. Without bringing in porn or anything like that (which was never mentioned in the OP), we are talking about pure, simple masturbation, right? WHAT WOMAN would complain about her guy popping into the bathroom for a couple of minutes when she's not feeling up for sex? And seriously, what sad creature would rather, on a regular basis, give that guy a hand/blow job instead? Sorry but, if I'm not feeling sexual today, or if you bore me as a lover, or if I've never learned what pleasure is because I was always told that touching myself was dirty... then no thank you sir, I will not give you a blow job.

Thomas I think these "complainers" you're talking about do so in much more complicated, intricate situations. Like when her man goes and masturbates to porn RATHER THAN have sex with her.

Jeez-louise never have I heard of the kind of complaint you are talking about.

**stressed** · 08-21-2011 09:23 AM

To add to Mes T's comment: I'm with a guy who satisfies me, cares about my needs, is sexual, and there's communication, I don't mind him at all masturbating even if he's in the shower and I'm in bed, because I know he does that so sex will be better for 'me', it's how his body works, he doesn't do it out of lack of interest. In fact, him masturbating like that is a turn on, I don't feel neglected or offended. With my ex even the thought of him masturbating made me furious because he never cared about my needs, never asked me what I liked, never wanted sex, always preferred to masturbate instead, always accused me of wanting sex too much. I don't suffer with a multiple personality disorder, I just had a relationship with a partner who was totally the opposite of me when it came it sex so I approach the same subject 100% differently because the partner is different.

The problem is never masturbation per se, it's communication, care about the other's needs, how you match with the other, understanding and never sexually neglecting your partner over yourself. People know what's good for them and their partner, it's those who know and are selfish who make this a serious problem.

As for when a partner is not in the mood, I guess it depends on the situation and how often this happens. If the partner who wants sex doesn't masturbate then s/he will want sex even more the next day, so it's not all that bad if s/he has to wait for 24 hours. As long as it doesn't become a habit and there's nothing serious behind the lack of interest in sex, it's okay to wait for one day.