Undesired by husband :(

**Kadan82** · 08-25-2011 06:45 AM

Hi. I'm new to this forum and could really use some advice. This may be a little long but I really need to let this out. I have been married for 3 years and dated my husband for 8 years before marriage. Before we were married we had a very active sex life. After we got married it quickly changed and we would maybe have sex once or twice a month at most. And that was only because I initiated it. I would lie in bed at night crying, feeling so unwanted while he was next to me sleeping away. This went on and even got worse over the first year. Finally one day after he was in the bathroom with his phone I looked at his history and there were multiple searches for porn related material. I was devastated. He had always told me that porn didn't really interest him and in the 8 years we dated I had never come across anything like that so I believed him. After I saw this I thought back over the last 6-12 months and realized he did spend a lot of time in the restroom. He would come home for lunch and be in there for 20 mins. I seriously didn't even think twice about it. I know they say masturbation and porn is normal for men and I understand occasionally and if u still maintain a healthy sex life with your partner but I was hurt because I felt that the porn and masturbation had completely replaced our sex life. When I found this I confronted him and he was humiliated and very apologetic. I know he felt horrible that he hurt me. Things got quite a bit better and after being married for 2 years we decided to try for a baby. I finally got pregnant after a year of trying. I am now 5 months along. While we were trying for a baby our sex life was obviously pretty active. Now that I am pregnant, we have only had sex twice and again only because I initiated it. I make a point though to "pleasure" my husband at least once a week but I can't help but feel he is going back to his old ways. I recently found a sexually explicit movie downloaded on Netflix. He had watched it on his phone but didn't realize it shows recently watched movies anywhere you have that same Netflix account which I also have on my phone. I hate being a sneak but I also occasionally check the history on his phone but so far haven't found anything. He is very excited about the pregnancy and treats me well but I feel like we are more like friends than actual husband and wife. I am so worried about what will happen when the baby gets here, everyone says your sex life goes down with kids and that's scary for me. I don't know what to do. I think about this all the time. I feel so unwanted and like my husband isn't even attracted to me. I'm not trying to sound conceited but I get hit on all the time, I know I'm not unattractive. I just want to feel loved by my husband

. I use to have a very healthy self esteem but after all of this it has really effected it. What should I do? I love my husband so much and I know he lives me too but I feel like he no longer wants or needs me sexually and I long for that. I have never been able to have an orgasm during sex and that is one thing he mentioned when I found the porn is that it is really hard on him that he can't please me. But he doesn't even try anymore and hasn't since our honeymoon. Which to me isn't too big of a deal, I just miss the intimacy! Sorry so long, but please...any advice would be so very appreciated. I've been crying for the last couple hours and just needed to get that all out. Thank you for reading!!

**nattynoona** · 08-25-2011 07:59 AM

Oh hunny =( I know how you feel. My boyf isn't the most highly sexed bloke but he doesn't watch porn - as far as I'm aware.

Have you perhaps suggested watching porn with him? It may not be 'your thing', but i hate to admit it, it's hard to not get turned on. Maybe in turn that will turn him on?
Has maybe he just felt like a 'sex object'? (i visit my boyf sometimes and sex doesn't end up happening all the time and I get a bit huffy about it and then he makes me feel bad by asking me if sex was all i came over for - he gets turned off feeling like taht's all I want him for)

**stressed** · 08-25-2011 04:54 PM

For some reason he chose to turn to porn instead (curiosity can lead to habit and then to addiction) and it doesn't have to do with you. I suspect he deletes history, hence you can't find it (but he can still forget to delete a movie or two), so you won't get upset. It's possible because he does seem to revert back to his old habits during the time you were sure he watched porn.

The thing is:

- You can't spend the rest of your life checking his history (he knows you check it anyway, so he'll only learn to hide it better. I know because I've been in your place before).
- He has to be open about what's going on. He clearly avoids sex, if he doesn't go as far as to prefer porn to sex. This is his problem, it's serious, and he has to work on it. It won't go away by itself.
- Sex doesn't go downhill after children, it's the way parents handle sex and children that affects the couple's sex life. If one of the two ignores sex, prefers to masturbate, doesn't make time for sex, then there won't be any sex.
- It's not the pregnancy that's an issue, pregnant women can have sex for several months into pregnancy (I think it's up to the 8th month and after that one has to ask her doctor, but I'm not sure about the exact month. It's definitely not the 5th though).
- He gave up trying to please your on your honeymoon, which seems like he takes you for granted.
- It's not your fault you don't orgasm during sex, many women are like you (I'm like you too), but there ARE so many things he can do for you and there's definitely at least one position where you can reach an orgasm with (whether you have to use your hand or not it doesn't matter, as long as it happens during intimacy). But it takes a lot of communication and trust for him to be able to please you, which I don't sense in your relationship.

He could be one of those who takes his spouse for granted after marriage. Whatever it is, you need to have a long and serious talk with him and express your fears. You don't want a husband who avoids intimacy, whether you'll have a child together or not.

**jns** · 09-03-2011 03:19 PM

Kadan, do you orgasm manually or by oral? He could get you excited by making sure you had several orgasms before having intercourse if he wanted to help you have an orgasm while having sex.