Sexually frustrated husband would appreciate female perspective...

**Needahand** · 08-29-2011 08:17 AM

Well, I hope this doesn't just sound like a 'typical' male post about sex, but my dilemma is this. I've been married almost 15 years, am barely 40, and have literally been sexually frustrated to tears for some time now. My sex drive is way higher than my wife's.

To make me feel even worse, I can't even really complain about frequency since - given earlier compromises - we usually engage in some form of sex at least twice a week. But it is always the same (quick) routine and, from my perspective, there is a total lack of passion on her part. She just isn't romantic.

Please trust me, I have tried everything to spice things up, etc. For the life of me I never thought I would find myself in the situation of posting something like this, but it's not the kind of thing I chat with my friends about...marriage talk is pretty personal.

I have been terribly stressed out over this for some time and feel like I am resigned to just stew, or do the unthinkable.

Don't mean to whine, but would very much like to hear from the ladies if this sounds unreasonable.

**stressed** · 08-29-2011 10:35 AM

It doesn't sound unreasonable and many women go through the same problem you describe, so you'll find many compassionate posters here.

You've tried everything. Have you discussed this with her? You don't have to 'complain' but you can tell her that it's not about frequency, but quality. That you'd like her to be more romantic. You can ask her if there's anything she wants to do or try with you.

Is she on medication or hormonal birth control? Has she discussed this with her gyn?

You have every right to be frustrated but if everything else fails I don't think you can expect her to change.

**Needahand** · 08-29-2011 11:11 AM

Thank you Stressed. I have spoken with her about it on many MANY occassions and it has at times caused tension between us. I don't mean to sound too deflated but what takes the wind out of my sails is that I can think of no other option except just suffering through it. (She is not on any meds)

Sadly, even when she agrees to try something a little different she makes no bones over the fact that its for me only and generally doesn't do a 'good job'. I know that sounds inconsiderate but at this point I can only call it what it is...thanks again, really appreciate the reply.

**LanaBear** · 08-29-2011 11:21 AM

Do you have kids? Ages?

Has it always been like this? Was it better in the beginning of your relationship?

I've gone through it, for about 8 years or so, I did turn it around. However... It was me who had to resign myself to it being my problem, not my husbands. I had to be the one that wanted to change. No matter, how much we talked or argued, how much he begged for me to change or seek help, until it was ready, it wasn't happening.

**Needahand** · 08-29-2011 11:30 AM

We have 2 kids 13 and 10.

But this has almost been an issue from the start. When I would get very upset she would give in and for the past few years the frequency has been there (in a way to avoid arguements almost). But the variety and passion are virtually absent.

The reason I am so frustrated is that I have expressed my concerns so often. It's as if I should just bite my tongue or do the unthinkable, which as far as I am concerned is no option - for our kids. And she is otherwise a good partner, but I am highly sexual which is obviously the problem...

She seems to more or less not get the depth of it, that sex isn't just sex... Like eating a bag of chips / crisps isn't the same as quality food. You get the point I am sure.

What made you 'come back' to your husband?

**LanaBear** · 08-29-2011 11:49 AM

It sounds like you two are just not sexually compatible. If you had good sex in the beginning, I wouldn't really think that, but if this has been an issue from the beginning. Well, unfortunately, there isn't much that I think you could do to change her way of thinking/desire.

With me, I knew we had good sex in the beginning, so, it was just a matter of owning up to the fact that somewhere along with life, I changed and put my relationship with my husband on the back burner. Jobs, young kids, etc., everything came before the two of us. Once I realized this and figured out that I needed to make the two of us a priority again, everything changed.

Would she be open to the two of you going to a sex therapist? Not that I'm sure it would help, but worth a shot.

**marcopoly** · 08-30-2011 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by Needahand

Well, I hope this doesn't just sound like a 'typical' male post about sex, but my dilemma is this. I've been married almost 15 years, am barely 40, and have literally been sexually frustrated to tears for some time now. My sex drive is way higher than my wife's.

To make me feel even worse, I can't even really complain about frequency since - given earlier compromises - we usually engage in some form of sex at least twice a week. But it is always the same (quick) routine and, from my perspective, there is a total lack of passion on her part. She just isn't romantic.

Please trust me, I have tried everything to spice things up, etc. For the life of me I never thought I would find myself in the situation of posting something like this, but it's not the kind of thing I chat with my friends about...marriage talk is pretty personal.

I have been terribly stressed out over this for some time and feel like I am resigned to just stew, or do the unthinkable.

Don't mean to whine, but would very much like to hear from the ladies if this sounds unreasonable.

I understand your situation as I went through the same thing. My wife was conservative that she would never initiate sex, or ask me anything, or suggesting anything, it was like for her was not that big of a deal....well, time went by, we had sex 3 times a week always very much the same. We always had problems, many arguments and sleepily ninths (well on my end, she would fall sleep pretty quickly), since she is not the worrier than I am...so you can see what was my predicament, me a high sex drive guy with a woman with low sex drive, not very interested about sex...well this is what I did and how things changed:

1. I educated her about men's sexuality = why we need sex, what it means to us, why the more sex, the more kinky sex, the more special and excited we become about life and about them. There are many articles that talk about men as species and explain that is a PRIMAL INSTINCT in men to need to feel the love through sex....that is the reason prostitution is the oldest job in the world....because men have always need sex to function. The more sex, the better emotionally a men would be. When you explain to your wife that it is not your fault feeling the need for physical love, it is in your DNA. She must understand that she cannot go against evolution. Every men will tell you that the way they feel loved is when your woman show you sexual desire. When this doesn't happen, the excitment about your relationship starts fading away.
[removed links - not allowed - final warning]

2. talk to her every week in a coffee shop or something about your relationship with her, how you feel, what is missing, where you would like to be at this time in your life with her....the idea is that both should be in the same place - in my case, we both are looking forward being with each other to experience different things.

3. keep going back to the article I talked to you about and explain her that her sexual power has so much potential to make you happy, that if she were to find in herself a way to relax and try to enjoy sex more, that she could be in a place like my wife right now, where is all about given her sexual pleasure - there no night that she, at least, experience two orgasms...always...and some time more....today, my goal is finding her g-spot and maker her ejaculate - and can't believe she is letting me and enjoying it.... all came with time and perseverance.. and love

4. think about where she comes from, maybe she needs to realize that all her problems or lack of desire is in her head (my wife realized that all her problems was because what her parent put in her head and today her mother only talks about the lack of sex with my father in law and how much she missed it. So, my wife came to realize that is okay give herself completely to me.

I hope this can help. You can always contact me directly if want more advise about how in the world, I got my wife to make love to me 8 times a week. She is only without my for 2 or 3 days a month (during the worse days or her period) the rest of the time, we are very sexual...i mean anal, vagina, toys, sexy dressing by her, filming, analigus, cunnilinguos, facials, doble penetration with dildo and me..., etc.....i just can't believe my luck....

Good luck my friend and if it happened to me it could happen to you...

**Needahand** · 08-30-2011 03:51 PM

Thx - would love to know what that article is. Cheers for the insight.

**oxy-moron** · 08-30-2011 10:23 PM

How good was the sex in the first year of the relationship?
Was it ever really good.

**Needahand** · 08-31-2011 06:29 AM

It was good, and has been good, really good. But she seems to have a barrier when it comes to trying new things which is my biggest challenge. I haven't been able to get her to understand that it isn't just some whim but is rather very important to my overall well being. Her take is that, if she doesn't want to try new things she shouldn't have to. And she is right.

A big dissappointment for me though is that there seems to be no compromise...she gets what she wants in that I respect her 'no', but I am left out in the cold since she pretty much ignores my 'please'. And even if this sounds harsh I have to say that when she occassionally gives in, the quality isn't there.