No Oral For Me...

**GoddessOfLove** · 09-05-2011 12:14 AM

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months, and he has never once gone down on me. I give him blow jobs all the time - probably a lot more than I normally would because I'm hoping one of these times he'll reciprocate.

I've never been in this situation before, and I think it may be a deal breaker for me.

I cannot orgasm during intercourse. It just doesn't happen. Pretty much the only way I can is from oral sex. He used his hand twice after I put it there, but it doesn't even remotely feel as good as oral does.

I haven't said anything to him. I feel weird about it. I feel like if I have to ask, he doesn't really want to do it and I would feel insecure if he did take me up on it. I mean how do you even bring that up in the first place? And it's not like he doesn't know I like it. He's asked me several times what my favorite activity in bed is and I've clearly answered receiving oral. So why won't he do it?

I know the simple answer here is stop giving him oral, but I am not OK with either never having orgasms, or having mediocre ones for all of posterity. I think I may need to break up with him unless he miraculously starts doing it.

**Mes T** · 09-05-2011 12:22 AM

I think he needs to very clearly be told "Please give me oral in bed. I am starting to feel unloved/used blah blah." He's clearly not getting your not-so-subtle hints... just lay it out on the table like it is. Because I think if you break up with him over this, it's going to come as a complete shock... He will have thought that the relationship was going pretty well, and that the break up was out of the blue. He should at least have the chance to know what's going on in your mind first, eh?

He sounds like a pretty selfish lover in general, and that's quite common in my experience. Lots of guys just really need to be TAUGHT what to do with a woman. Maybe he's watched too much porn in his life and thinks that penis in-out is all that needs to be done in sex.

**Elanor-Jane** · 09-05-2011 12:43 AM

If you don't bring it up your going to be miserable. Not really fair. He must not be into it either or he would have gone down by now. Do u really want to receive oral sex from someone who doesn't want to do it/like to do it? If it were me it would plague me even when he did go down and I wouldn't come. I'd personally confront him about it and then follow with, I can't be with someone who doesn't want to do it, as it is the only way I achieve orgasm. Don't go down on him again, wait and see what he says when he's neglected and then bring it up. Or just confront him. Either one.

Why do women stay with men who are selfish in bed? I'm sure u can do better xx

**Little** · 09-05-2011 08:57 AM

You don't mention your ages - is it possible he's never given oral before and is apprehensive about doing it? Maybe his only experience was with a girl who wasn't very clean and then he swore off it? Or maybe a previous girlfriend told him he was really awful at oral?

Only way to know is honest conversation.

But if oral is the only way you can reach orgasm, and he doesn't want to do it, then YES that is a deal-breaker for sure!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-05-2011 09:00 AM

Ideally, a man that mesh's with you, that is truly compatible with you, wouldn't have to be ASKED to do something as basic as oral sex. He obviously enjoys it himself, so knows you would enjoy it too. He could be a selfish guy. However, there could be more than just the selfish factor here. Perhaps he feels inferior or inadequate in giving oral sex? Do you know if he has done it before? I can remember a time in which I didn't feel good about my "skills" therefore I didn't want to give oral sex at all. But practice makes perfect, and now it's something I really enjoy.

If there are other red flags in the relationship that point to "I'm a selfish man. My wants and needs come first", then you probably have yourself a selfish man. Not just that, but someone that just isn't right for you, doesn't "mesh".

If everything is wonderful and you have no reason to think that, then perhaps he's just inexperienced. Communication, as always in life, is key. Learn how to do it now. It is OKAY to ask for things you want (even though sometimes you shouldn't have to ask...).

Next time it's BJ time, get naked and get in the 69 position. Take charge. I'm not telling you to shove it on his face...haha...but put yourself in the position that he'd have to blatantly turn it down.

**kristalyn_04** · 09-05-2011 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Next time it's BJ time, get naked and get in the 69 position. Take charge. I'm not telling you to shove it on his face...haha...but put yourself in the position that he'd have to blatantly turn it down.

...or as dear Tex would say, "Cuff him to the bed and sit on his face!" LMAO... but in all seriousness, you need to be very clear about what you want. If you don't open your mouth and communicate, you won't receive. It's possible you won't get it anyway even after you blatantly tell him what you need, in which case that would be a deal breaker. But guys generally don't get hints, even the obvious ones. What you consider to be (metaphorically) jumping up and down waving your arms in his face and screaming in his ear, he would be like "Wait, what? Did you say something?" Lol, I've been in this situation before, I know how it goes. Talk to him, good luck.

**jns** · 09-05-2011 09:58 AM

As much as I love giving oral to a woman, I can see scenarios where guys may not initiate giving oral. If in previous relationships the guy has been shot down about giving oral and told it was dirty or some such. Another scenario is that the guy is at least mildly religious and has been told that oral is wrong. A third scenario is that the guy is worried about germs. All can be overcome with with education if the guy is willing to learn (OK, in some cases, religion is hard to overcome). I'm not sure if I would characterize any of these scenarios as selfish, but rather driven by ignorance and rigidity.

It seems that you have communicated clearly enough, but try again with no way out, such as on Wednesday night, at 9pm, you will give me oral for at least 15 minutes. Yes, I know it is not good for you, but it gives him precise information that doesn't leave him an out. Of course, get yourself all primped up for him at that training session. Prior to it, research articles about whatever you think may be his hang up and present him the information. Printed articles may be better than you telling him. Guide him as he is giving you oral so he knows what you like. If he has never given oral much, he may not be able to read your body language.

There is an old saying: "try it, you might like it" may come into play here. It is not like men learn about giving oral in school anymore than women learn how to give oral from classroom teaching.

**GoddessOfLove** · 09-05-2011 10:52 AM

Thanks for all the responses guys.

To clarify a little further, we're both in our mid-30s, we're not kids. Which is what is making this whole thing strange for me. He's only had one serious girlfriend before and it was when he was much younger. The rest have been one night stands or women he dated for short periods of time but ended it quickly. I think it may be possible he never really learned how to please a woman. He is extremely selfish in bed... it's basically all about him and I think he thinks that if he just rams it in and starts pounding away, somehow I am going to enjoy myself too?

I've been trying to talk to him and say things like, "I'm not ready yet" or grabbing his hand and putting it where I want it. With the oral I don't know why I feel so weird about it. I think it was kind of how Elanor described it. If I have to ask for it, I would feel like he doesn't really want to be doing it, and I would feel so self-conscious knowing he wasn't into it, that I probably wouldn't cum anyway. I've never been with a guy that wouldn't at least do it every so often. I guess I will try to talk to him about it, but I don't even know what to say. I just feel so awkward about it, which doesn't make any sense, but on this topic I just feel so weird asking for it. And if he wanted to, he would have already. Which then just makes me feel bad about myself like he has no interest in whether or not I am satisfied, and I just feel kind of crappy about it.

**GoddessOfLove** · 09-05-2011 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by jns

As much as I love giving oral to a woman, I can see scenarios where guys may not initiate giving oral. If in previous relationships the guy has been shot down about giving oral and told it was dirty or some such. Another scenario is that the guy is at least mildly religious and has been told that oral is wrong. A third scenario is that the guy is worried about germs. All can be overcome with with education if the guy is willing to learn (OK, in some cases, religion is hard to overcome). I'm not sure if I would characterize any of these scenarios as selfish, but rather driven by ignorance and rigidity.

It seems that you have communicated clearly enough, but try again with no way out, such as on Wednesday night, at 9pm, you will give me oral for at least 15 minutes. Yes, I know it is not good for you, but it gives him precise information that doesn't leave him an out. Of course, get yourself all primped up for him at that training session. Prior to it, research articles about whatever you think may be his hang up and present him the information. Printed articles may be better than you telling him. Guide him as he is giving you oral so he knows what you like. If he has never given oral much, he may not be able to read your body language.

There is an old saying: "try it, you might like it" may come into play here. It is not like men learn about giving oral in school anymore than women learn how to give oral from classroom teaching.

He's not religious at all and he's the farthest thing from a germaphobe. Honestly, I don't understand it at all, unless he just really doesn't know what to do. But due to the lack of any type of foreplay, I think he probably just doesn't think it is necessary. I guess this is what is troubling me.... how could he be pushing 40 and so clueless about what to do in bed. Which leads me to believe he just doesn't care and that makes me feel bad.

I'm going to try to talk to him I guess. I'm going to see him tomorrow night. I think my biggest fear is that he actually says no if I ask for it. That would be a huge bump for the ego, eh? lol

**jns** · 09-05-2011 11:53 AM

Having been in one serious relationship and in a number of short term ones, yes, he could be clueless. Some men are on purpose (my way or the highway) or by never been told that they are going about things wrong. I don't think you have a great chance to change him, but give it a try if you feel it is worth it. If he says no, your path out of the relationship becomes clearer as there is not the compatibility nor the compromise (he has to give a bit on this one) necessary for a good relationship. Good luck.

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