boyfriend won't give oral, lack of sexual interest,

**lovehisexile** · 09-06-2011 11:02 PM

Well, first off, I'm an extremely reticent individual, so this is pretty difficult to share, but I'm going to try my best here because I'm desperate for advice on several issues. First off, I'm 19 years old, my boyfriend is a healthy 24. We have been dating for over four months now, I was a virgin, and not once has he ever even attempted to give me oral sex. I am entirely shaved down below, and shower every single day. I use perfume, body lotions and to the best of my knowledge I don't believe I, er, smell bad. I give him oral daily, and don't particularly enjoy it, so this really frustrates me. (I've even told him that I don't like swallowing but I do it because I love him, and want to make him happy. Gee, hint hint.) Particularly since we had issues with mere finger stimulation and I couldn't find the nerve to voice my concerns. He's never broached the topic at all, and when he reaches my navel, immediately abandons using his mouth. It's really, really, embarrassing.

On another note, he's not one to dwell on foreplay at all. There's times where he doesn't seem to even really get into kissing heavily, (on one very bold occasion I grabbed his face and told him point blank that I "need him to distract me") particularly bodily kissing. He's more "to the point." He's had a few girlfriends besides me, and I'm not sure of his habits with them. As I previously stated, he's never even really alluded to the topic, aside from one offhand, veiled remark along the lines of "all females smell" more or less. I don't know what to do, and I feel horrible.

The whole situation is also very boggling because outside of sexual acts, he is literally the most caring, considerate, compassionate man around. He treats me like a princess, and is very attentive to all other needs! It's just sex!

He gets an erection with ease, ostensibly seems to be very attracted to me, is always all over me with his hands, but then once it's actually initiated, slackens off.... there's also periods where he doesn't try to initiate anything sexual at all. (2-3 weeks...) I'm way too shy to be any form of aggressor and definitely prefer to be dominated entirely. (Which I thought was a positive thing, because he likes being the dominate one.) Still, I try brushing against him, and I feel him getting stimulated, but he doesn't bother to act upon it, and even moves away sometimes. I try to instigate deep kissing, and he just keeps giving me quick pecks. I look at him as suggestively as possible when he asks when lounging about "What do you want to do?" One episode that occurred a week ago was as follows. We were both in bed, and I was aroused, but unable to express this. So, I kept rubbing his stomach, kissing him, brushing my fingers against his boxers, dipping them inside, etc, still, after 10 minutes of this, he just put his book down and had every intention of going to sleep. In a burst of desperation, I climbed on top of him and forcibly kissed him. After this went on for a bit, I got the reaction I desired. I pleasured him, but didn't let him come. (I didn't want him spent.) I went back to kissing him, and moving against him suggestively but he just wrapped his arms around me, immobile. I stared at him, and rapidly became humiliated, climbed off, and turned on my side. He attempted to embrace me, but I moved away, way too frustrated to concede to any affection. The next morning, I just stared at him moodily and he kept asking me "What was wrong?" but I couldn't bear articulating it.

Does anyone understand this? I wear cute, provocative negligee to bed, and try to appear as attractive as possible. I'm in shape. I look the same as when we first started dating, and he's constantly telling me how beautiful, cute, adorable, etc,etc, I am, so, what is the problem here? Every time he gives me a compliment I feel like screaming. I can even sprawl about revealing myself half the time and he would ignore it, and teasingly just ruffle my hair. I swear to god. What is wrong? What is going on? I don't know what to do anymore. I want to tear my hair out. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

Please, please, help me.

**jns** · 09-07-2011 12:39 AM

It sounds like there a number of problems. Communication needs to be better on both parts. Guys need things stated in plain language. Do not hint. He will not get a hint. I know it will take you out of your comfort zone, but that is what it takes to get through.

It sounds like you two have mismatched sex drives. That is a common reason for dissatisfaction in a relationship. A compromise needs to be made to get things to work. Guys usually don't change by much if at all. Can you put up with his low sex drive?

For me any odor that properly hygienic women (you, for instance) have is a good thing and a turn on. I am absolutely positive that there is nothing objectionable about the natural fragrance of your body. His actions and words indicate he is not wanting to give you oral stimulation due to his rigid thinking or to misconceptions. It is nothing about you. You are probably not going to change this and if it is important for your pleasure and self image, you should consider breaking the relationship. There are men out there who will be thrilled to be with a SO who wants to get oral as a regular part of the sexual activities. Do give him a chance by bluntly stating that you want him to give you oral. Even if he does comply enthusiastically, expect him to be bad at first. Give him directions about what feels good.

In general, he sounds selfish and somewhat controlling.

**tinyclitt** · 09-07-2011 04:31 AM

I've even told him that I don't like swallowing but I do it because I love him, and want to make him happy.

Wow, that must be a real orgasm killer for him. It may be the truth, but it's totally the unloving thing to say. Once you've solved your lack of receiving oral sex problem and are receiving good oral sex yourself, it would be much better if you would then sincerely tell him that you eagerly and enthusiastically swallow because he's tasty delicious and you absolutely love swallowing. Seriously. Don't be thinking that is a demeaning thing to say either or that you're standing up for some sort of principle when you instead tell the (hurtful) truth. Go ahead and tell the white lie. Tell him you love it. It's the loving thing to do.

**msjjohnson1** · 09-07-2011 01:14 PM

Try talking to him and letting him know how you feel, also have you talked about oral with him to find out how he feels about it? He may not like it :/

**marcopoly** · 09-07-2011 02:25 PM

Originally Posted by lovehisexile

Well, first off, I'm an extremely reticent individual, so this is pretty difficult to share, but I'm going to try my best here because I'm desperate for advice on several issues. First off, I'm 19 years old, my boyfriend is a healthy 24. We have been dating for over four months now, I was a virgin, and not once has he ever even attempted to give me oral sex. I am entirely shaved down below, and shower every single day. I use perfume, body lotions and to the best of my knowledge I don't believe I, er, smell bad. I give him oral daily, and don't particularly enjoy it, so this really frustrates me. (I've even told him that I don't like swallowing but I do it because I love him, and want to make him happy. Gee, hint hint.) Particularly since we had issues with mere finger stimulation and I couldn't find the nerve to voice my concerns. He's never broached the topic at all, and when he reaches my navel, immediately abandons using his mouth. It's really, really, embarrassing.

On another note, he's not one to dwell on foreplay at all. There's times where he doesn't seem to even really get into kissing heavily, (on one very bold occasion I grabbed his face and told him point blank that I "need him to distract me") particularly bodily kissing. He's more "to the point." He's had a few girlfriends besides me, and I'm not sure of his habits with them. As I previously stated, he's never even really alluded to the topic, aside from one offhand, veiled remark along the lines of "all females smell" more or less. I don't know what to do, and I feel horrible.

The whole situation is also very boggling because outside of sexual acts, he is literally the most caring, considerate, compassionate man around. He treats me like a princess, and is very attentive to all other needs! It's just sex!

He gets an erection with ease, ostensibly seems to be very attracted to me, is always all over me with his hands, but then once it's actually initiated, slackens off.... there's also periods where he doesn't try to initiate anything sexual at all. (2-3 weeks...) I'm way too shy to be any form of aggressor and definitely prefer to be dominated entirely. (Which I thought was a positive thing, because he likes being the dominate one.) Still, I try brushing against him, and I feel him getting stimulated, but he doesn't bother to act upon it, and even moves away sometimes. I try to instigate deep kissing, and he just keeps giving me quick pecks. I look at him as suggestively as possible when he asks when lounging about "What do you want to do?" One episode that occurred a week ago was as follows. We were both in bed, and I was aroused, but unable to express this. So, I kept rubbing his stomach, kissing him, brushing my fingers against his boxers, dipping them inside, etc, still, after 10 minutes of this, he just put his book down and had every intention of going to sleep. In a burst of desperation, I climbed on top of him and forcibly kissed him. After this went on for a bit, I got the reaction I desired. I pleasured him, but didn't let him come. (I didn't want him spent.) I went back to kissing him, and moving against him suggestively but he just wrapped his arms around me, immobile. I stared at him, and rapidly became humiliated, climbed off, and turned on my side. He attempted to embrace me, but I moved away, way too frustrated to concede to any affection. The next morning, I just stared at him moodily and he kept asking me "What was wrong?" but I couldn't bear articulating it.

Does anyone understand this? I wear cute, provocative negligee to bed, and try to appear as attractive as possible. I'm in shape. I look the same as when we first started dating, and he's constantly telling me how beautiful, cute, adorable, etc,etc, I am, so, what is the problem here? Every time he gives me a compliment I feel like screaming. I can even sprawl about revealing myself half the time and he would ignore it, and teasingly just ruffle my hair. I swear to god. What is wrong? What is going on? I don't know what to do anymore. I want to tear my hair out. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

Please, please, help me.

If he is not sick, he may have fallen out of love - talk to him...you are very sensitive and need a man that can understand you better....first communicate with him - all you feel....and see what he does....and nothing is wrong with you......but mind that not all men are high sex drive or addictive to sex.....and health plays a big role too....

**Seeker_Advice** · 09-08-2011 12:48 PM

Communication is obviously lacking...agree with jns on that...for sure.

Does he read? Every man that is in a relationship with a woman should read "She Comes First" by Dr. Ian Kerner Ph.D.

Seems to me that the focus/control is all on him and you have none. that needs to change - IMO in order for you to be happy and successful in your relationship.

**Texasred** · 09-08-2011 02:40 PM

Start by telling him everything you wrote in Post #1; if you can't bring yourself to tell, print it out and tell him you have a "letter" for him.
Or even mail it to him!
If letting him know how you feel doesn't bring about a change, or at least a healthy discussion, I'd be very surprised.

And one more thing: guys have no way of interpreting "moody glances," nor almost any other sort of "look" for that matter; we don't have that gene. We're stuck with figuring out words, which can be hard enough!

**stressed** · 09-08-2011 06:03 PM

Originally Posted by tinyclitt

Wow, that must be a real orgasm killer for him. It may be the truth, but it's totally the unloving thing to say. Once you've solved your lack of receiving oral sex problem and are receiving good oral sex yourself, it would be much better if you would then sincerely tell him that you eagerly and enthusiastically swallow because he's tasty delicious and you absolutely love swallowing. Seriously. Don't be thinking that is a demeaning thing to say either or that you're standing up for some sort of principle when you instead tell the (hurtful) truth. Go ahead and tell the white lie. Tell him you love it. It's the loving thing to do.

Ahm...I don't agree. If she tells him she loves it he'll be doing it all the time and that wouldn't be great for her. One day she may actually tell "the truth" out of being tired of doing something she dislikes, only to be called "a liar" down the road. No. Never lie. If he wasn't prepared for a negative answer he shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. Never lie and never ask questions unless you're prepared for both a negative and a positive answer.

Originally Posted by Texasred

And one more thing: guys have no way of interpreting "moody glances," nor almost any other sort of "look" for that matter; we don't have that gene. We're stuck with figuring out words, which can be hard enough!

Actually, I used to believe that up until recently. Now I believe that men who "want" to get hints they do get them. When a man is waiting for an opportunity to start something he doesn't miss the hints. On the other hand, a lazy guy, or an insecure man, or someone not interested won't look for hints or will ignore them if he notices them.

OP: 4 months is early into the relationship. He would have given you oral by now if he wanted to. He doesn't want to and it's not your fault. There are men who claim "they love it" but they never do it (another reason why it's bad to lie about things we like). Right now he's at his best towards you sexually as he'll ever be. Every month that goes by will make him slightly worse (it depends on the man of course, but you know what I mean).

You don't seem sexually compatible in many levels and I don't know if he's worth the energy for an effort to make him better. He's the experienced one in your relationship but you're a lot more open minded than him. I think you deserve a better guy who knows what he's doing and is in love with you.

**oxy-moron** · 09-09-2011 08:27 PM

Hi
We should look at changing the name of this section of Womens Health from Sex to Selfish Lovers.
Your man is a Selfish lover. Women or Men can be selfish lovers.
Unfortunately if you are involved with a selfish lover it can be a long hard road that only gets tougher as time goes on.
If his overall goal was to provide you with pleasure he would be concentrating on anything he could to meet that goal.
I cant imagine he is going to change. If it is important to you then you could think about moving on. Over time your interest in Sex will diminish just as a tree deprived of water will whither.
There are things that you can do that will help but overall it will be hard going.

Sorry to be negative.

**cherry2** · 09-10-2011 03:15 AM

it would be much better if you would then sincerely tell him that you eagerly and enthusiastically swallow because he's tasty delicious and you absolutely love swallowing. Seriously. Don't be thinking that is a demeaning thing to say either or that you're standing up for some sort of principle when you instead tell the (hurtful) truth. Go ahead and tell the white lie. Tell him you love it. It's the loving thing to do.

Worst idea ever? I hope you didn't do that to your boyfriend, because if I found out that mine lied to me like that I would be incredibly hurt. Anyone would.

Secondly, your man may not be a selfish lover. If he had other girlfriends before, assuming he had sex with all of them, who's to say they weren't as a shy as you have been about telling him what you want? That's what needs to happen first. You have to communicate. People can't read minds. No hints. Just lay it all out for him truthfully. Also I can tell you from personal experience that telling him what you want can bring you much closer together. I feel close to my boyfriend knowing that he knows me so well, and it's a pretty big turn on for me.

If you lay all this out and things aren't changing though, he may just be selfish. There is a possibility that he may not know, but he may not care. The only way for you to know is to be honest and direct, tell him everything and then go from there.