Waking up, slowly, but with so many questions.

**kita** · 09-12-2011 10:32 PM

When I was 12 my parents gave me a chastity vow ring that required I return it to my dad and tell him why should I ever break the vow. At that age, and being raised in a very Christian setting, I was fairly ok with the ring, seeing as I'd already made the personal decision to wait anyway.
My teen years were spent with very little desire to date, and virtually no sexual desires, ever.
This continued into my 20s. I had by this point given up on marriage, figuring I'd stay single forever, as I was very happy on my own, and hadn't found a reason to change that.

Well, you know what they say. Only when you stop looking do you find love.
I've found the love of my life, and we've been together for over 10 months now.
I had never masturbated. It doesn't work with me. It's like trying to tickle yourself. I get almost nothing from it, no matter what technique I try (at least as far as my clit goes). The shower head makes me twitch lots, but I can't stay standing, and it doesn't reach far enough with the strength I need, and it makes me less responsive to him later.
I'm not overly sure as far as my g-spot goes.
Seeing as I'd never successfully masturbated, and had never been intimate before I've been slowly learning about myself because of him.
I've also slowly been "waking up" as far as my sexual desires go.
I adore him, but I still can't usually tell if I'm turned on, even if I do get pretty wet.
I've been able to tell a bit more, or been more turned on than before, as time has gone on with him.
The thing is, we still have not had sex.
I felt really bad about it at first, because he is pretty horny.
I stopped feeling bad after I finally gave in and started giving him BJs (hand jobs just weren't enough), which he admits he may like more than sex in his one-other-girlfriend experience. It wouldn't be unusual for a guy.
I can figure out how to get creative with him, but I'm more curious about me.
Since I could never masturbate I never learned what I liked.
He's yet to give me an orgasm, and I'm not sure if he's hitting my g-spot or not when he fingers me.
I usually twitch like crazy when he's playing with my clit, but I don't seem to hit climax there.
When he plays inside I sometimes wonder if he's just "come-hithering" to my bladder. It kinda feels good, but it reminds me too much of having to pee.
If he goes to fast inside, or hits the upper corners inside me I tend to start bleeding inside, especially if my legs aren't spread fairly open and flat.
I enjoy our play times when my body will get into it, but I'd like to know what I can do to help myself get there.
He's played with me for up to an hour, but still no luck.
The closest I ever come, I think, is when I get my mind into a slightly different state that I can't really describe, but it requires concentration, and it's hard to stay there for long before random thoughts interrupt that concentration and bring me back to reality.
I don't get anything from oral, although he'd never done it before, and I don't know if he's looked up techniques to it, but there's not enough friction in it for me I think.

Anyway, that's my life story :P.
Thoughts?

**Mes T** · 09-12-2011 10:56 PM

SO common, kita, if that's any consolation.

We've had so many women post here with similar issues, and I've been one of them for sure!

If you're "twitching" when he's playing with your clit, then he's not doing it right. And certainly you should never ever bleed from being fingered okay? Just because you're not sure how to reach an orgasm doesn't mean you should let him just do whatever, yeah? Make sure you're wet and those fingernails are clean and trimmed.

You CAN reach that elusive orgasm. I think part of what makes it so hard is not knowing what feeling to really go for. People can try to explain what an orgasm feels like, but you can't REALLY know until you experience it. Sort of like trying to describe a sneeze.

The GOOD news is that once you do reach that first orgasm, it'll become exponentially easier. It'll be like breaking through a brick wall and into freedom.

What you need to do is spend a lot of intimate time with yourself. Don't have your partner anywhere near you - I'm talking ALONE time. Lock the doors, shut the curtains type of deal. Buy a small vibrator for outer use. That was my key. Put a little bit of lube (ESSENTIAL) on your clit and rub a small vibrator around it in circles. Choose a vibrator that has speed variations rather than one with just one set speed. Don't be afraid to shop for one - it's not an embarrassing thing, and the people who work at shops like that are very nice and professional. Of course there's always online shopping too.

Get your mind in the right state. You alluded to that in your post, that the one time you were sort of there, it was because your mind was in the right place. Your body can't experience intense pleasure unless your mind is ready for it. Lay on your bed and read a dirty novel, or watch an erotic video, or let your imagination run away with you as you think of things that turn you on - if even just a little bit.

Kita it's never too late to learn to pleasure yourself. And you're already on the right track. Many women aren't willing to even try, unfortunately.

And once you learn how to do it yourself, you can teach your partner to do it as well. He's almost guaranteed to NEVER learn how to do it unless you show him.

Those blow jobs have got to be getting pretty boring by now, I'm assuming.

I think it's time you got some action too.

**jns** · 09-12-2011 11:00 PM

Try not to over think things, just go where things are leading. It may just be him giving you oral is the thing that will take you over the edge. Have him do it when you both are comfortable with it. Much of sex can be like a fantasy. Have him do things to build that fantasy. Also have him explore all areas of your body to discover what you respond to and where. Then have him incorporate the new discoveries with the already known ones. Have him learn whether a light touch or a heavy touch is better. Have him stimulate your clitoris through the hood and every once in a while slow down for a minute or two, then build up slowly to a faster rhythm.

**kita** · 09-14-2011 01:26 PM

Well, maybe a vibrator would help me get there on my own, seeing as my own hands just barely do anything to me. The only problem I have with that is that after using the shower head I find that I'm not as responsive to his touch when he is playing with me, and there are times (like last night) that we just get so close that I'm sure we can make it. He usually finds the best spots late into play, though, and gets too tired to keep at it long enough for me I guess.

My thoughts are probably the worst part. I swear I sometimes wish I was high when we play, because then at least I could not think about life while he's hitting the spot.
Even if he's hitting a good spot and I'm trying to keep focused, random thoughts will come up, like wondering where my missing cat is, or when I'll hear back from a job application, or how close we are and what an orgasm will feel like.
I hate it because I love what he's doing, but I just can't keep my brain from wandering off, and when it does my physical awareness drops.
Maybe I should take up meditation.
Fantasizing helps a bit, but still won't stop those thought interruptions.

As for having sex, I did make a commitment, and I'm not one to break such a serious promise easily. I love my boy, but I also know that he enjoys BJs more than sex, and I've been taking my time learning new tricks so that he can enjoy it for as long as possible. He still asks for BJs about 4-5 times a day, so he can't be bored yet :P.
And I'm not bored. I find it fun to be able to give him such intense pleasure.
I'll be fine waiting for sex, seeing as I've waited this long just to be sexually woken up.
We both want that intimacy, but we're both willing to wait for now.

And lastly, when it comes to the bleeding it can't be his fingernails. He trims them every two days. It seems to be fine if he doesn't go near the top "corners".
I used to lay with one leg up and one leg flat on the bed, and that position caused me to bleed nearly every time, no matter how wet I got or how much lube we used. There was no pain, he would just show me his hand which had a bit of blood on it, as did the towel under me.
Now I keep both legs relatively flat to the bed and he avoids the "corners". It actually helps find the good spots better anyway. Now if only they stayed in the same place each time :P.

**loveactually** · 10-06-2011 06:09 PM

Everyone pretty much covered everything but I do have one small comment. When I almost had my first orgasm, I stopped, I was freaking out because I thought I had to pee... But after reading some forums online (like this one) I learned it was pretty common and just let it happen LOL. Sounds kind of crazy but I did make sure I peed before hand. Well, lo and behold, it happened. After a while you definitely know when it is going to happen, as you learn more about your body.

As far as thinking about other things, it happens. It happens to me. "Did I feed the dog?" "What should I eat for lunch?" etc. Sometimes I look back and think it was my mind distracting me from what was actually happening (my then boyfriend and I fooling around) because I was super shy and not ready to take the plunge. Eventually you will be completely relaxed and at ease with yourself and your partner.

Hope this helped, best wishes

**magsnannie69** · 10-08-2011 11:58 PM

Do you have any guilt re God or your parents regarding sexual interactions? I know for myself i had huge issues with feeling 'dirty' or a 'sinner' for feeling pleasure. maybe somehwere in there there is a 'shame' and that makes you quiet happy to please your bf and not yourself ? as time goes on you will learn so much about your body and it's responses. someone said to me once..sing like there is no one listening, dance like there is no one watching and have sex like your'e a porn star', and it works..lol. :-)