Thread: Does he want something different? Is what I have not good enough?

Hi guys, I hope you can help me with this situation. I'm a first time poster so please be kind and excuse the length of this post. There's quite a lot to fit in so thank you if you read to the end and even more thanks if you offer some advice.

My boyfriend and I are both 30 years old, we've been together for 10 years and lived together for 5. We have a fantastic relationship despite my insecurities and the self esteem problems I sometimes face.

There's quite a lot of background information to divulge but I will try to fit it around the 'story' of my problem. I assume that seeing as this is a sex forum I can be fairly graphic so long as it's not without reason so whilst being as graphic as I need to be I'll attempt to keep it as clean as I can.

Ok, two days ago I came home earlier than usual, I parked my car around the back of our house and entered through the back door. This door is quite a way from our main living areas so it's difficult to hear when someone enters this way. I should mention here that Tom works from home a lot of the time whilst I work odd hours. So coming home I thought he'd be finished work for the day but didn't see him. I called out and getting no answer I began to go upstairs, thinking he'd still be working and wanting to kiss him and let him know I was home. Part way up the stairs though I realised that although he was in the study he was watching porn and masturbating.

Now I know that Tom watches porn occasionally when I'm not around and obviously he masturbates, neither of these things bother me. Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy and so long as it doesn't affect our sex life why should I care? Porn is also not an issue, my only request is that he clear the internet history when he's done as it's a shared computer.

As I mentioned earlier I have a few self esteem issues which crop up every now and then. I spent a long time comparing myself to others and feeling I don't measure up. Seeing what Tom's been watching whilst masturbating is almost certainly going to flare up these feelings. So clearing the history means I can't find out and everything's fine.

I know I should have simply gone downstairs, left him to it and gone back up when he'd finished but (maybe it was the fact that I wasn't supposed to hear this or something else) my curiosity got the better of me. I stayed there on the stairs and listened. The thing is, I'd never heard him like this before. Tom and I have indulged in mutual masturbation instead of and as part of sex but he's not usually very vocal at all, not even when he reaches orgasm but what I heard that day was completely different.

He was grunting, breathing very heavily and talking a lot! I know I shouldn't have stayed, it was wrong, this was a very private moment and I had no right to intrude but the truth is I was really suprised by the difference in him and quite simply I was turned on by it.

What I heard though is the problem, Tom was interacting with this pornstar. There was a lot of dirty talk telling her what he'd like to do to her etc. This doesn't bother me either to be honest. I understand that men are visual, that porn aids this and the dirty talk 'fuels the fire' so to speak. What did and still does bother me is that he began talking about her breasts. I don't want to be overly graphic so I won't repeat the words, just give you an idea of what he was saying. He talked about how big and beautiful they were, how sexy they make her, how he'd like to suck them etc. you get the picture. There was MUCH emphasis on the fact that they were apparently huge.

I have a very poor body image, I absolutely hate my breasts which are small and in my opinion just not at all attractive. Having small breasts makes me feel less of a woman and more like a child and I've struggled with this for many years. Tom knows how I feel, it was over a year into our relationship before I'd let him see me fully naked.

He has reassured me over and over again during our 10 years together that I'm beautiful and desirable and that he loves my breasts, he's even said that he prefers small breasts, that he thinks they're sexy and more feminine than large ones. He compliments me all the time and he's helped me to boost my self esteem a lot. Although I still don't like my breasts I feel, or rather felt that he loved the way I look.

What's my problem I bet you're wondering. I have this amazing man who really loves me and tells me all the time. I know how lucky I am but this has really knocked me for six. I know it sounds ridiculous - it even does to me but emotions are strange things and I simply cannot seem to help the way I feel. I can't stop wondering now if it was all lies, if he does compare, if he would prefer it if I had more up top and now that inferiority complex is creeping back in.

Last night Tom initiated sex and I insisted that we turn out the lights for the first time in years. He knew something was wrong and seemed so concerned. I felt awful that I simply couldn't tell him what the problem was. I don't want him to feel embarassed or uncomfortable. I normally tell him everything but I suppose I'm ashamed that I intruded into a very private part of his life. I wish I hadn't, I truely wish I'd stayed well away.

I keep thinking "what would I say to someone in my situation?" Well my rational mind is telling me - don't give it another thought. He loves me, he's with me and porn is fantasy, just a means to 'get off'. But, then my emotions butt in and push out any and all logic. I just can't seem to get past this.

So what do I do? Do I tell him and talk about this risking his anger and embarassment? Do I just try harder to keep my emotions in check? I'm so lost here.
What does everyone think? Do you think I'm he's comparing? Do you think he'd like to change me? Does he have a preference for big breasts? Or is it just that he has a thing for breasts in general (like most men) and the size wasn't really an issue. If that's the case why did he keep talking about the size over and over?

I've been snapping at Tom over little things over the last few days and I hate myself for doing it - he's done NOTHING wrong but I feel betrayed and lied to - irrational I know but I can't stop these feelings.

Sorry for the long post, any help from both women and men would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Hmm if your having self esteem problems again, I think you should talk to him about it. Ive had alot of body image problems in the past and when I say in my fiances history that he was looking at porn it upset me and made me feel like I wasnt as sexy or beautiful but he assured me that Iam. I think porn is just a man thing and sometimes woman like looking at it too(i do occasionally).

The problem I have with your story is the fact he was looking at porn where he could actually interact with a actually person, THAT IS A PROBLEM FOR ME. I dont mind someone looking at porn but if your watching a girl live and talking to them thats a bit disturbing. I actually consider that a form of "cheating" so if I was you I would be upset, unless you and him made some kind of agreement that its fine to talk with other women in that way.

So if I was you, I would just sit down with him and have a conversation with him. Tell him how your feeling and tell him that you heard, you didnt do anything wrong. You came home and you heard him, your werent intentionally trying to spy.

Sorry for the confusion. I didn't make it clear but this wasn't some live sex show or anything. What I meant by interacting was that he was talking to her as though he was the guy with her. There were definately two of them there, a man and a woman - I heard them so with that and the fact that I heard the terrible acting I'm assuming this was just a regular porn film. I too would consider watching live sex shows a form of cheating to be honest.

Thankyou for your imput, it's nice to hear from someone who understands my feelings of insecurity. I may talk to him in time, I pride myself on great communication with my boyfriend but this is one thing I'm really struggling to talk to him about. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll hear. I don't know. What I do know is that if I do tell him I'll choose my moment well and try to keep it lighthearted, not make a big deal of it.

Thanks again

Oh okay, and no problem.

I had a hard time telling my fiance too but he kept on me until I did because he sensed something ws wrong and Im sure you wont have any awful news. I just think he may have been fantasizing, like many men do lol.

OK, it's good you understand your insecurities, though accepting them is probably the main goal.

A satisfied man with a healthy sexual life style can still look at porn to fulfill quick urges. (I can tell you this from experience, as I'm that man).

Sometimes it's easier for a man (mentally and physically and habitually) to look at porn to fill a quick urge.

Now if he's replacing with for porn, then of course you'd have a problem.

But instead of him having to wait for you, to turn you on, to take off all the clothes, to get lube, to get a condom, to get into position, to foreplay, to whatever, it might be easier to just start using his hand.

Now, you can always just turn him on and make him urge your hand, or your mouth and condition him to expect it so he seeks you out, it will be easier for him and faster, no mental or physical barrier. And his porn viewing may go down from there.

The insecurity of the breasts is something which is likely a huge part of your problem here. A real man (like your husband sounds like) really is ok with you breast size. I think most men are.

The problem is with television, media, advertisements, and other people showing that breast size is important. I say to them, I don't care about your looks, it's about what's inside you that counts. I think your husband thinks the same.

But really dig down and find out the insecurity, of what causes it, and what you really think about it.

If you start saying to yourself, I am sexy, and my breasts are great, everyday before you sleep and after you wake up, you'll program your mind to think so. It's a voodoo trick, "I am wealthy", and it happens.

Personally I've spent years saying I'm handsome, and good looking, and you know what, other people find me that way because of the energy of my aura. I use to think of myself as ugly, as folks in the past told me so, but maybe they likely meant my aura, and what aura I gave off.

This is basically self talk, but taking it further, making it a TRUTH about you is far more important than just saying it to yourself.

Give yourself permission daily to tell yourself that you are sexy, and within 30 days, your brain will reprogram itself. This reprogramming if your brain will likely splash off on your husband, and maybe he'll seek porn less.

Porn is honestly a bad idea. It warps our brains, and changes our reality over time. But if used in moderation, then it may be ok.

Oh and him talking the way he did, he likely feels more comfortable by himself then around other folks, even the one he loves.

In this situation, you should not expect him to show you everything he did when he was alone. He might be embarrassed to do it in front of you. BUT if you do it first, by showing him that you are crazy and intensely enjoying yourself, he might as well.

Sometimes people get permission when they see someone else do it.

Basically, look at yourself and see what insecurities are bothering you here. Work on changing them, and maybe start making him get use to you randomly wanting sex or getting him off. He's likely been view porn for decades of his life, so it's a habit, but habits can be broken BUT for something that's decades old (like smoking) it can take a while and few failed attempt to change it.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Hate to sound like a broken record or worse, but in my opinion, the only thing that is lacking, based on what you shared, is open honest communication.

You should not feel ashamed or embarrassed that you entered your home and found him engaged in an act of self pleasure. It's your home too. The fact that you stumbled across his activity when you may have normally been at work or whatever means nothing - to me - as a man. How you learned what you learned/observed is irrelavent - IMO.

The fact that you have allowed it to interfere with your intimacy with your partner, the man who has repeatedly said that he loves you, is relavent and needs to be addressed.....soon! Before it gets completely out of control and makes a mess of your entire relationship.

This is the man you love. You are the woman he loves. You should be able to talk about anything to each other at any time...period.