High sex drive BUT shy and very inhibited...help!!

**resse** · 09-24-2011 07:41 PM

Hi,
I'm really frustrated with myself. All my life i've been pretty uptight...more on the serious side of things than not. Although i can be super silly and like to have fun. I tend to greatly over-think everything (actions and consequences) so I'm not having as much fun in my life as i want. I have social anxiety and am doing therapy, so its helping. Only thing i don't really talk to my therapist (older male) about is how my inhibited and overthinking nature affects my sex life.
I should say that i have a sex drive that can be over-the-top high. I used to seek it out a lot and was quite reckless, but those times were always aided buy booze or drugs (which i no longer do). I have serious issues with dirty talk...i cant do it...at all..it makes me soooo uncomfortable. So i don't say anything too dirty. I'm more of a "shut-up and let's f^$k" kinda gal. I don't like phone sex or dirty chatting and don't get off on just talking about it. And if a guy starts talking dirty to me, its a HUGE turn-off especially if its in the slightest bit degrading. I have some serious issues with not being able to be vulnerable and give up power. I do not like to be controlled in any areas in my life and can't handle being told what to do. I'm not dominant or controlling in personality but its almost as if i REFUSE to be submissive. I don't allow spanking, hair pulling, cumming on face, calling me a ...all the stuff that modern young guys see in porn and therefore think has to happen for sex to be hot.

I know its not just porn, its how a lot of couples are nowadays which makes me feel like an oddball for not liking that stuff. And i don't even know anymore if its that i don't like that stuff or if i'm not allowing myself to like it..i think its that. Like I'm self-policing...but i don't wanna be like that.
I cant do it...but i feel terribly self conscious...like i'm some sort of prude for not liking stuff that a lot of modern women like. I have NO fetishes. If i meet an guy and he asks me "what are you into" or "what do you like"..my answers normally suck. Something like "i just like good sex and often"...lame. But i really don't have any fetishes, am not kinky or a "freak". All these terms seem to be "hip"...but i don't identify with them and now i'm afraid to start dating because i'm afraid most guys nowadays expect a girl to be a little kinky and i can't even say dirty things or have them said to me without it killing my mood...i can't give up control and i cant be submissive and i have a feeling these are more masculine qualities than feminine hence my sometime problems in the dating area. I'm pretty good looking, but i lack the ability to be vulnerable that i think a lot of men naturally respond to.I wanna change.

What do I do? Are fetishes and fantasies things that people naturally want or do you grow to like them? Do you have to learn to be ok with giving up power and being controlled?

**Magnetism** · 09-24-2011 08:32 PM

My recent boyfriend didn't like cumming on girls' faces, nor did he like them swallowing it...so not all guys are like that.

Do you know for sure that the guys you meet are into stuff like that or are you just assuming? My experience is that there are guys that don't expect a women to be submissive in bed.

Having sexual preferences doesn't mean you're a prude. As for fetishes and fantasies, I think you would have to explore to find out what you truly like. Some people fantasize about certain things, but then hate it when they actually do it. If a guy respects you and loves you, he will respect your sexual wishes and limits.

**Velto_Vixen** · 09-24-2011 09:35 PM

There are a surprising number of males who like to be dominated out there. I'm like you, i don't USUALLY like to be dominated and my sex drive is too high for any male to handle. LAME. But yeh, just keep looking you may find it one day. If words don't get you going that's just your own personal preference. You're bound to meet some guy out there who does dirty talk because most of his exes liked it- so out of habbit...but perhaps he hates it just as much as you??? Keep looking, i don't think you should bow down and change...if you're ok to put up with it then why not, but if it kills your buzz, move on and keep looking. I'm not kinky either. Meh.

**ska1331** · 09-25-2011 11:23 AM

Well from a male perspective, I don't do the dirty talk thing either. Not really into her doing it, but its nice to have some sort of responce when you've got the right spot. There is a difference in letting go and being controlled tho. Its like letting someone else drive the car, but you both agree on where the car goes. Sometimes its nice to sit back and let the other person drive. My wife and I aren't really into anything kinky, but its always nice to explore something new. The key to that really is trust and communication. We also respect the others wishes if that's not where they want to go. Each person brings something to the relationship, it up to them how they build upon that.

**ItsASecret** · 09-25-2011 11:39 AM

There will be some guy out there for you do not worry. Not all guys are into being brutal to a woman like porn depicts should happen, there are ones that will respect your opinions and not demand or expect you to be a certain way. Personally I do not like dirty talk, it does not turn me off but it certainly does not turn me on. My bf is trying to get me to say some things and I have tried to but like you said it makes me incredibly uncomfortable as well. The way I see it is what is the point of continually trying it when it has zero effect in the first place. So I chose not to say dirty words or phrases, but since I am not turned off by it I tell my bf that he is free to say things.

As for kink, again not all men are into it. Sure some have odd requests or very strange fetishes or fantasies but that does not mean you have to like them as well. I know I have explored porn for the sake of seeing different forms of sex to see if there are any fetishes or fantasies that get me going. I am still waiting for that one thing to pop up and I have been looking and waiting for years. I have zero, nil, nada, no fetish or fantasy whatsoever. Not into bondage or control, not into dirty talk, not into positions that require you to be a contortionist, not into roleplaying (I loath having to act or perfom of any sort including dancing)...I simply like good sex just like yourself. Nothing wrong with that, looking around but finding nothing specifically (like fetish or fantasy) that gets you going is fine....you are just a woman that likes good sex. Good sex does not require a porn mentality or a guy that thinks porn is the correct formula for good sex. It just requires you to like what you like and if something does not work out then it is okay.

**resse** · 09-25-2011 02:03 PM

Thanx sop much for the responses. And thanx to Ska for the male perspective. Its helped. I know you guys are right, i will meet someone and not all guy are into super domination, kinkiness and role playing and all that stuff. I just kinda feel like maybe i should be more open to it than I am. But Secret is right, i guess there is no point in doing stuff that triggers no response in my anyhow. I guess i just want to be appealing sexually and it seems like all the stuff i mentioned above is more enticing to a lot of guys. I feel like if he asked me if i'm into fetishes AND role-playing AND fantasies AND dirty talk and i so NO to all of them...i'm just gonna appear lame and, i feel like if it get into a relationship, maybe whoever he is won't feel satisifed b/c i'm so repressed and move on or worse cheat to get his kinky needs met. I find it hard to believe that i'll be able to find a guy that isn't into ANY of that stuff like me...it just seems SOOO commonplace now. I relaly have yet to find one. Most of my friends are guys and even the "nice" ones like a few of those.
Could i maybe get some feedback from anyone that USED to be like me....shy and inhibited and not able to communicate sexually what they wanted but CAN do it now? And if so, maybe how you overcame it. I know a lot of people will say you just have to do it..but I'm very anxious and I know if i try it i will get super nervous, get all awkward and uncomfortable and totally kill the mood.

**ItsASecret** · 09-25-2011 02:09 PM

But Secret is right, i guess there is no point in doing stuff that triggers no response in my anyhow.

I only mean that if you have actually tried something, as in actually given it an open minded shot and it simply did not work out. There are some things a person can automatically dismiss as eliciting absolutely no response, say someone wanting to pee on you...that can easily warrant an absolute no arousal whatsoever even if someone else completely gets off on it. There is no point in trying something like that if you know without a doubt there is no initial curiosity into the matter. But for things you may have a slight intrigue about but not necessarily go crazy for, for example bondage, then you try it out even with the initial apprehension. If at that point it still has no effect then maybe it is simply not for you. It can be a process of trial and error. You may find something you may not, but there is no requirement in having some sort of go to fetish or fantasy.

**jns** · 09-26-2011 08:49 PM

resse, there is a guy out their just for you. Keep looking. I take it you like a variety of positions in regular sex. Is oral and hand play also on the table or do you just like intercourse? Do you orgasm and if so, how? Do you like foreplay and if so, what?