Please help me and my wife

**Irishfan** · 10-08-2011 04:29 PM

We are 40 years old. My wife had a huge sex drive before she had kids. It has been 15 years and she has no desire to have sex. I just took her to a Dr. For hormone therapy and he said with her lab work he really did not see anything that would cause that she has very high estrogen. He put her on something for that. But he does not think that would cause this. I am starting to think it's just me

. I don't think I am ugly, I didn't used to be. I tell her everyday how beautiful and sexy she is and how much I love her. She won't even let me try to make her horney. Are their any supplements that may work? Please help me.. I am up for any suggestions.

**Aiyana25** · 10-09-2011 01:46 PM

Irishfan what a predicament! It seems your wife also wants to fix this problem otherwise she wpouldne have agreed to go to see a DR.
To be honest is something getting her down? Did something happen that may have triggered this problem? as in can you pinpoint a major event around the time of her 'going off sex'??

**Irishfan** · 10-09-2011 01:57 PM

Originally Posted by Aiyana25

Irishfan what a predicament! It seems your wife also wants to fix this problem otherwise she wpouldne have agreed to go to see a DR.
To be honest is something getting her down? Did something happen that may have triggered this problem? as in can you pinpoint a major event around the time of her 'going off sex'??

I can't think of anything getting her down. We are doing very well financially no bills or debt. It started when she had our first son. She is loved more than any woman could be loved. I worship the ground she walks on. The only thing she does not get that she wants, is for me to go to church. Other than that I would do anything for her. For the year we dated before we got married she was a sex addict. I just don't understand.

I have started going to the gym for the last month and committed to loosing 40 lbs. The only thing I can think of is that I just don't look good enough. But we are both 40 lbs over weight. But I think she looks better than ever.

**oxy-moron** · 10-09-2011 07:31 PM

Hi
When you are first going out with someone you get a boost of hormones that boost interest in sex and communication. This is natures way of making sure couples that might not otherwise be able to tolerate each other can make children.
One of the key early hormones is Oxytocin - it makes men communicate better and women more interested in sex. You can boost Oxytocin through touch and massage and eye contact. It takes a while but you need to start touching her non sexually and if she is up for it then some foot or shoulder massage that does not lead to sex. It doesnt matter if she falls asleep - Oxytocin is a relaxant and will tend to make people fall asleep. Her background oxytocin levels will rise and she will become more interested.
This takes weeks to work but can be very effective.

Good luck.

**Tod121** · 10-11-2011 04:23 AM

Irishfan, you and I are (\have been) in an identicle situation. My wife and I are both 40, have 3 kids, the oldest being 15 years old. We had an amazing sex life before we had kids, we would be "at it" all the time and the only thing that would put a stop to it would be her period, SHE used to get irritated that we had to hold off for a week. Even during pregnancy we couldnt stop! Almost as soon as we had our 1st child, it all changed. Some have put this down to my wife's posible lack of self confidence, loss of figure, etc, despite, like you, I tell her she looks amazing and I love her. We had slipped to only having sex once or twice every 6-8 weeks ever since, how does that compare to you?
It is not always easy to do but I followed Oxy's suggestion about Oxytocin levels and tried massage, doing my best to avoid leading it to sex and I noticed a big improvement. I say its not easy because along with the lack of sex she is generally quite "prickley" and not very approachable.
I am not sure if I have dropped off the amount of touches, hugs and massages or if she has become used to it now but now, 6 months further down the road we have "gone off the rails" again, I think its been about 6 weeks since we were last intimate. This is probably a communications issue which we are trying to work out (read my other posts if you can to get a fuller picture if you like). You may, like me have a bit of a mental barrier to overcome to touch and carress in the hussle and bussle of a busy lifestyle but give it a go and keep at it, it did work for me.
Let us know how you get on intially and long term...

**ItsASecret** · 10-11-2011 08:36 AM

It is not always easy to do but I followed Oxy's suggestion about Oxytocin levels and tried massage, doing my best to avoid leading it to sex and I noticed a big improvement. I say its not easy because along with the lack of sex she is generally quite "prickley" and not very approachable.

It can be that she was just very appreciative of the gesture of you massaging her, and that gesture is what made her want sex...not the massage itself. A lot of women operate like that. However a woman can get used to it like you said. The massage just is not the same, or maybe she does not actually like a foot massage (or whatever) but because you are offering to do it she again appreciates the offer and after awhile it is just not that same 'new' gesture appreciation as before so she responds less and less. If she is not the touchy-feely type to begin with then trying any touch method, appreciation based or not, is going to be real hard. Someone that does not want to receive that gesture is not going to look for it to happen and is not going to respond by having sex. Then the other thing is nothing is a fool proof method, you can massage your wife an hour each time several times a day for months with absolutely zero new results compared to before. There is nothing that says "do this and that result will happen", there is always the factor of all women are different. Many men have taken the same approach without skipping a beat, giving that massage every day for years no matter how tired they are or how much work they still need to do and yet their wives do not respond by wanting to have sex in any way shape or form...they simply enjoy being rubbed and that is all.

**Tod121** · 10-11-2011 08:58 AM

What a mine-field, its a job to imagine any couple together and staying happy for long.

Irishfan, how many kids do you have and would you say your wife was a confident type, does she believe she still looks good?

**BaileyGirl** · 10-11-2011 09:36 AM

In my opinion...having spent some time "there" in the past, it sounds to me that it is 100% psychological on her part caused by a form of depression that she isn't even aware that she has. Many women go through a mommy syndrome where they have kids and pour their lives overwhelmingly into motherhood. That alone will rob the sex drive and the image of feeling sexy right out of their minds. ADD TO THAT... 40 years old and 40lbs overweight? That is beginning mid-life crises in addition to feeling very unsexy, which just multiplies the depression that is already lingering inside of her. She lost who she is. She lost that little girl inside her with the free spirit. She needs to find her again but in order to do so she has to become a little bit "selfish" at times and she has to also get back in shape. Good luck to you. She is very blessed to have a man love her so much. When she pulls out of her funk she will see that.

**marcopoly** · 10-11-2011 12:45 PM

Stay strong....talk to her so both are in the same page that something got it change or the marriage is doomed to fail, second, together visualize what you sexually desire from the other before when the heat was on....then, make a comittment to fix it....go out for dates, go to the gym together, shave you pubiv hair, maybe suggest the same to her?...buy a vibrator to play......eat nutritious food....sleep plenty....

Most important of all is to communicate with her and make sure she gets that like this you cannot go for too long......good luck!

**Irishfan** · 10-11-2011 07:18 PM

I have been doing this for the last 24 hours and i will keep it up. So far she has not been to receptive. My wife is perfect in every other way. It is not as much about sex as it is feeling loved love. For me I feel loved by touch, Affection. I just want her to be more affectionate.

She will have sex once a week, but it's not very good when she is telling me to hurry. She is only doing it for my bennifit. The way she is always pushing me away I have to wonder if she still loves me.