Virgin girlfriend - Girl advice needed!

**geob** · 10-11-2011 03:26 PM

Hi all,

I have recently started dating someone, and found out that she was a virgin (23, I'm 30).

After a couple of weeks, she decided she was ready, so we gave it a go - Everything went as one would expect and so far we have had sex 3-4 times.

My concern though is that she does not really seem to be keen on doing anything herself . For example, I have to initiate foreplay, go down on her and then continue, however she will be almost passive, during the whole thing...No talking, no suggestions (after I ask if she would like me to do something different). The other day we had a discussion and she mentioned that sex for her was not that great - also she made a comment that she felt 'neutral' towards my esteemed member, while she is reluctant to touch my penis (as if it is something unpleasant), let alone perform oral sex.

All the relationships I have had so far, were with more experienced women, and they enjoyed giving pleasure as much as receiving it. They were also much more vocal in what they wanted, and this turned me on even more. I really like this girl, and do want the same to happen with her - I dont want her to start her sexual life in a bad way, or to build a bad impression of sex for her, at the same time, I know what men like and to most this would be a major turn off.

The question therefore is - I understand this is new to her and she might be shy, but is there anything I can do to encourage her? Like watching something (a couple of my gfs loved watching homemade porn with me)? Do I leave her to take her time, but not try to guide her in what to do in the meantime?

Many thanks!

**ItsASecret** · 10-11-2011 10:47 PM

Main thing, do not assume that because one woman reacted a certain way that the next woman will also react that way. All women are different all the time. What gets one girl screaming in ecstasy can send the next into an anxiety attack just thinking about it. You just never know which is why you must tread lightly. If a girl is not an outgoing look at me type then jumping straight to making a porno is probably not the best way to go. If you mention the idea of watching light porn for some ideas (definitely not hardcore unless she says okay) then simply approach it cautiously knowing that she may not end up liking it. Oral though is up to the woman again, some love it some feel nothing. I personally feel nothing. Some women are also just naturally quiet as well. While you may have an ex who was a screamer this girl may simply have a quiet non-verbal personality so you may not see her go into some crazed porn sex scream mode. A slight gasp may be all she does, who knows, it is entirely her response. Another thing though do not make it seem like she has to be a certain way. I am not saying you would be pushy or anything but if you start saying "oh well these girls liked it so you should too", "lots of girls like to scream you should too"...just things along the line of "well I know certain girls like ____ so you should too" or "everyone likes ____ you should too" can create resentment. If she is shy she will not want to be pressured into something simply because you or her saw something about so and so liking some sex act. You have to try and go at her shy pace while still mentioning things to see if anything sparks interest. Just take your time for a bit and just let her know that you like her and do not want to pressure her into anything but you would like to mention some stuff (say that you do not necessarily have to do it but the simple mention can spark conversation).

**sp346** · 10-12-2011 07:11 PM

Although I love sex now and am very adventurous, the first year of sexual activity, I was very much like your girl friend. It may have a lot to do with her back ground - is she very religious, come from a conservative family, etc? It will take time, lots of patience and practice to get to the point of enjoying sex.

Try doing something very romantic before sex, maybe glass of wine, watch a romantic movie that has lots of sex in it (not porn - thats for once you 2 are really comfortable together). But most of all, communication. Talk about it--what you want, what she may want, where you want the relationship to go. Maybe see if she would be willing to read a book. The Guide to Getting It On is a great book - easy read but very factual that I read in my grad school. Try to find what she likes. The reason she doesn't tell you what to do is most likely because she doesn't herself know what she wants. It will take lots of exploring to find out what both of you like with sex.

Ask you girl friend if she masturbates. If so, she will know what works on her and you can try to do that. If she's never masturbated, then it also tells you her lack of comfort level with sex and her sexual body.

Most importantly, talk to each other openly. Communication is what helps. And maybe one day, she will not only be comfortable holding your manhood, she will be turned on by the thought of doing more. Its will however take time and patience.

If it still doesn't work, see a sex therapists. They can help navigate negotiating a relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-13-2011 03:39 AM

She gave "you" her virginity...

She believes you are her knight. Act like one therefore, and love and adore her, she will through that love open up and be happy to experience things....

This was a big deal for her, what she needs is the look in the eyes, telling her she is beautiful, not wanting all of this "now" rather showing her she made the right choice.....it will all come from that

**Seniora** · 10-13-2011 05:08 AM

CW has got this one right. Yes, for some people virginity if very important and losing it very significant. Inexperience is written all over her response to you. I was only thinking how problematic it is when people marry without having had any sexual experience beforehand and how precarious all that can end up being for a long-term relationship. I adhere to the "try-before-you-buy" principle these days. But, you must tread carefully with this woman as sex is obviously new to her. I'm not surprised she was ready after only 2 or 3 weeks' going out with you!!

I was nearly 21 when I lost my virginity, back in the very early 70's. It was a BIG DEAL, I can assure you, even though I didn't really love the man in question, who wanted to marry me. I liked him a of a lot and felt safe with him. Does this provide you with any clues at all?

**geob** · 10-13-2011 02:50 PM

Thanks for all the responses! It definitely helps a lot, as there seems to be such a huge gap between the way men & women think about sex...It is frustrating from my side, but by reading all your comments I realise this must be indeed a very big thing for her.

Senioras message hit the spot - Your message does indeed sound very familiar, as she did mention she felt safe with me. I will slow things down and try to get her to talk about what she feels and how she wants things done - but in the meantime if you girls have any more Do and Dont's please bring them on!

**lizzardb63** · 10-13-2011 03:13 PM

If she says no to something, don't push the subject. If you made her aware that you find it very pleasurable to do something, when she is ready, she may do what you asked her to do. I am like her...I take things as my own pace and the more that's expect out of me, the more I clam up. She probably worries if she compares to the women you've slept with in the past...lots of stuff going through an "inexperienced" mind. It can be scary. I agree with CW all the way though.

**Seniora** · 10-13-2011 04:41 PM

geob, you sound like your heart is in the right place. It's great that you've sought advice on this very delicate topic and it shows you really like this girl. It's complex (or "complicated" as in the movie title!) as we are so much more than what is between our legs!! I hope this doesn't sound coarse or crass, but we've been given this sexuality and it takes on a life of it's own. Your female companion is probably sorting through the yin and yang of all that herself - I know I did. I wanted males (and still do) to appreciate my brain and self: only then could I throw myself headlong into the sexual side of it and, for them, it was always worth the effort (cough). So, you two need to talk and touch and take the pressure off always having to have things end with intercourse: at least in the short term. Yes, that's my advice. Best wishes to you!

**lizzardb63** · 10-14-2011 09:20 AM

I never felt so sexual until I met my fiance. He made me feel special, and like the most beautiful woman in the world, and that I was his gem. This made me feel like our love making was more meaningful and that he wasn't just having sex to "have sex" and get his rocks off. We were doing it to show some expression and our love (I know this sounds cheesy), but maybe that is what she needs. Maybe she doesn't need to see the "animalistic" side of it quite yet...but more of how special it is between two people and how it isn't something to be taken lightly (not that you have taken it lightly). 2nd of all, sit down and talk to her, see why she thinks sex isn't that great and what she desires from it. Then express how you feel about it. Maybe if she hears that you feel its a secret bond between two people (That is if you feel that way...don't tell her any lies) she may feel more comfortable or be willing to open up.

**jns** · 10-23-2011 02:40 PM

geob, work on getting her to orgasm if you can. I take it she has not orgasmed from what you said. Use your hands at first. Be gentle and very careful of not overstimulating her clitoris. Massage it through the hood. Hopefully she likes kissing, so distract her with kissing while massaging her clitoris. Kiss a lot of places on her head and neck instead of just her lips. Of course take the other advice you have been given.