Thread: New here, 33 and feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. Here is my story.

Hi

I needed a place to post this and just be honest. I am uncomfortable discussing this with my friends for fear of being shamed. I am 33 and have been married for 7 years to a wonderful man. We have two young boys. My career is at progressing very well and we have a picture perfect life to others.

I just can't help but feel like I'm going through a mid life crisis and am in need of sexual liberation. My husband and I have been together since we were 19. He was the only man I have ever slept with. When I was younger I did not feel confident and sexy and dated very little before I met him. I never felt physical passionate attraction to him, but he was wonderful and a "nice guy", one that a girl would settle down and marry. Now in my mid thirties, I have a newfound confidence in myself. I have a good job, stature at my company, and feel like I am coming of age. Men seem to be more attracted to me now than ever and I feel like I finally blossomed. Sex is ok with my husband but I just don't have that passion for him like I want to tear his clothes off.

I was recently at a professional conference and met a former colleague that I spent some time catching up with. He is married too but it was undeniable that we were attracted to each other. Nothing happened just a lot of flirting. We both sensed we were on dangerous ground and kept a distance from each other for a couple of days.

I now feel like I am in need of a sexual recharge. I don't want to cheat on my husband and don't want to risk destroying our marriage. However I feel like I need a sexual liberation. I have secret fantasies of fulfilling this desire by engaging in group sex or swing with other couples. He does not know about this fantasy of mine and I don't think he would be up for it. It would not bother me to see him with another woman, but I known he would feel jealous or inadequate seeing me with another man. I have never been with a woman, but am curious as part of my quest for sexual liberation.

I am not looking for any particular advice. Just an opportunity to share my story, and hope I am not the only one who is in this position.

At 37, I am right there with you. The thing I remind myself is that I am not going to destroy my marriage and even more importantly, the wonderful home environment I provide to my kids over some temporary lust. Not to say you shouldn't try new things. I also fantasize about being with 2 men and swining, some light BDSM and other kinky stuff. I've tried to talk to my husband about a threesome (with another woman), but he didn't really seem that interested because he probably felt I was only suggesting it for him. But there is still a lot you can do to spice things up. Try to talk to you husband. Don't go right into group sex, but ask him about his fantasies, any craziest stuff he ever thought about but would never actually do. What type of porn he might like to watch. Its difficult to bring the subject up because you are not sure how he will take it. Maybe have a glass of wine and during some sex talk, start probing him about what he thinks about xyz. You never know, maybe he is thinking just like you. Try to add a few hints about doing this differently. For my husband's birthday, I got him a starter bed bondage kit. Very vanilla, don't even think it would be considered kinky, but its a start and if he likes it, I'll get the next level up. Taking it one step at a time.

Fantasize. You can fantasize about other men while with him. Suggest new positions to him. Do a double penetration with him and a toy (hope this is not too graphic for you). This is all safe and healthly sexual behaviour with a long term partner. I always suggest the book Guide to Getting it On to everybody. Its an easy read that will give you lots of suggestions and guide you to resources. Get some new toys, or a sex game board.

You can satisfy your new found sexuality (they do suggest women's sexuality peaks in their 30s) without cheating on your husband. But you will have to talk to him about it and delicately hint that you want to spice things up. If you have difficulty talking to your husband about this, maybe suggest going to a couples's councellor just to strengthen your relationship and keep things fresh, but find one that is also a sex therapist.

The most important thing is you have to communicate with your husband and let him know that you are having this sexual awakening but you want him to be part of it.

Hope that helps.

The thing I can't stress enough is talk to him. Start small maybe just say you wanna try some rougher sex or something spontaneous like in a bj in a bathroom at a bar. It is great that you found confidence and feel sexy, let that come through with your partner first. If then you still don't feel it is enough cross that bridge but give it a chance it can't hurt.

If you aren't feeling the same satisfaction from sex that you were when you guys were teens, you need to talk to him. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship, and you shouldn't let things between you two fall apart because of this. Just like Sally said, start small, and the more comfortable you both feel with exploring your sexuality, the more things you can try; get to the point where you end up doing things you never even imagined yourself doing (public sex, roleplay, anything). It doesn't hurt to ask. He's your husband and he loves you, and I'm sure he'll understand if you explain it all.

Thanks to everyone who replied. Starting small and communicating is good advice. I just don't know if doing role play etc would help. It's really my interest in having sex with other people that is on my mind. I just can't stop thinking about it. My husband is a great guy but the physical attraction is just not there. I am afraid to admit maybe it never was. I will still try other things to spice it up between s and hope I can ignite something. By the way that colleague of mine is really pissing me off. We were flirting a lot on that first day. The next day he kept his distance and gave me the cold shoulder. Maybe he realized he better not get too close, but I hate these mind games. I rather him be honest with me and admit that it's not a good idea to still be friends. Makes it even more complicated when he offered me a job and tried to convince me to work with him... But then just left me hanging after and won't follow up. I don't want to pursue this job prospect and make him think I'm chasing after him, but I hate these childish mind games.