Thread: orgasmic frustration

First thing, let your boyfriend know he is not the owner of your orgasm. I'm not trying to be rule, but we live in a culture that puts undue pressure on the man to be responsible for a woman's orgasm. It should be about both people finding pleasure, giving pleasure and receiving pleasure. First and formost, your boyfriend needs to stop measuring his sexuality against your orgasm and stop pressuring you into having one just so he can feel manly. Its not his fault he feels that way. We have all been taught that a good male lover should be able to make his woman orgasm. We need to change that ideology.

Once that pressure is off your mind, you can focus on enjoying sex. Orgasm is one of the many great pleasures of sex, but its not the one and only goal. If both of you are enjoying it, don't feel pressured that you aren't orgasming. That pressure you put on yourself my be preventing you from fulling letting go to reach that point.

Also remember, most women cannot orgasm on penetration alone. Its a matter of basic anatomy. You need to add hands, mouth or toys into the mix. Some women need a longer forplay time. There is also the clit orgasm and the G-spot orgasm. The clit orgasm usually is achieved by stimulating the clit with hand, mouth or toy. For some women, it works when they are on top and can rub against their partner. The G-spot orgasm can be acheived when placing fingers inside and curling the fingers as if you were calling somebody. These are just generalizations. Remember, each person is different. Part of a relationship is exploring each other's sexuality and finding new things. Orgasming doesn't have to be absolute for your relationship. It can be one of the areas you explore and learn together slowly. It will also enrich your relationship.

I also agree that vibrators really can work, but only if you are open to it. If you are mentally closed to the idea, nothing will help.

sp346 thank you, i feel like a huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.... the last time we had sex all i thought about was 'please just let it happen' so that he wouldnt keep kicking himself about it. he wont listen when i try explain that its not that easy for women, he doesnt believe me cause he says im the first sexual partner it hasnt happened with. i find this hard to believe but anyway thats a matter for a different day. i think your right i just need to stop over thinking it....
any other advice on how to stop overthinking would be great too tho

Originally Posted by Little_Man_in_the_Boat

Vibrators as far as I know dont work.

You can't trick the mind into thinking its a real penis, getting pregnant is part of orgasm I believe, condoms affect wether you can have an orgasm I think because you know you cant get pregnant.

Orgasm is the bodies way of fast-tracking sperm into the uterus, it reaches down and sucks up the sperm, so anything that is contray to this wont work (this is my belief).

I think women have evolved to select partners based on body, virility, ... (is the guys going to hang around, to help me with the baby) anything that is contrary to this I think means they are less attractive and perhaps it is this that affects womens ability to achieve orgasm.

Plastic wont work because its not a real penis, body thinks I cant get pregnant from a piece of plastic.

Plastic don't ejaculate so what would the uterous be scooping up ? Nothing.

We are not robots we are human beings, flesh, muscle, blood and bone.

Making love and achieving orgasm is highly complex emotional and physical thing, women need to feel an attachment and trust, and like they are being cared for.

Didos to me around about someone making a big bag of money from garbage.

If you want to deaden your nerve ending go ahead I can't stop you. Bit like smoking, or drinking, or drugs.

I know that they only way I have been able to achieve an orgasm with a women is 1. the lights where always off. 2. no condom (it must be bareback) 3. foreplay: hugging, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, love, caring, kindness, gentleness, patience, soft hands, prolonged caressing to the point of a marathon.

Why because I believe most women have trouble having an orgasm maybe its revealing yourself to your partner that where the trust comes in.

I think most women are inhibited to a certain extent, depending on their body, if your not totally comfortable with yourself then you have to do something to make it that way.

The same thing with a man if your not totally confident yourself its going to affect your performance.

Whoa... there is so much there that I completely disagree with that I don't even know where to start, no offense! Sex is more mental than anything, ESPECIALLY with women. If a woman is not mentally aroused it doesn't matter if its a dildo, a penis, a penis with a condom... it will be difficult to orgasm if she isn't feeling 'turned on'. In that same vein, if a woman is horny, aroused... mentally in the moment sexually, a vibe, a dildo, a finger, a tongue, the corner of a pillow or a penis wrapped in 3 condoms while she is on the pill and wants no babies at all -- can still result in an amazing orgasm

Like men masturbating to porn, moderation is key when it comes to vibes. When you train yourself to orgasm from a specific stimulation (physical and/or visual), especially ones that can in no way be re-created with your partner, you set yourself up for difficulty haivng an orgasm without that specific stimulation.

However, for women that aren't even sure what an orgasm feels like, masturbation (w/ or w/o a vibe) is by far the best way to figure it all out. If you don't know what pleases you, it is almost impossible for your man to figure it out for you. You're the gps, you gotta tell him where to go, what to do to satiate your specific needs to get there. All women are different in what types of sensations, pressures, etc they need to feel to orgasm.

Hi, I really disagree with Little_Man's post too! Sorry, it might work for you but not me or apparently other women here too.

If one thing can turn me off, during foreplay, it's the issue of no protection so you know sex would be a risk of pregnancy. No matter how tempting sex is, I just don't want sex then. So, the idea of pregnancy does not turn me on.

I agree with other women here that it's definitely a mental thing. You need to be mentally into someone for what's physically happening to turn you on. Dildos and vibrators can work if you have the right approach. If you want to have an orgasm using one and you are turned on enough by the sensations alone, or by the sensations plus the enjoyment of your fantasies, you will orgasm.

OP, I said 'want to have an orgasm' there. I mean want as in, that physical urge, being horny if you like! Not thinking "I really want to give myself an orgasm / have an orgasm with my boyfriend to prove I can". I had sex issues with my ex and at one point orgasm became impossible because the pressure to orgasm took the fun out of it.

Maybe this just came up and has caused pressure ever since. I'd guess the best thing to do would be to abstain, force yourself to keep abstaining, and only ever break it if when you're alone or with him you feel so ridiculously horny you can't keep yourself sat still any longer. Then, try using a vibrator or having sex.