Thread: Did anyone have a period of when they had recreational sex and suddenly went celibate

I don't know if this is a weird question to ask, but in my early 20's-I had a few no-strings attached recreational flings. After some reflection, I decided to stop it and just wait for someone I fell in love with. I believe that too much recreational sex will hinder my ability to bond in a long-term relationship, because I will be so used to separating emotions from sex. What I truly wanted at the time was to experience sex in a loving context. Obviously, recreational sex wasn't going to give me that no matter how physically pleasurable it may be. Not to mention the drama and the clouded judgment associated with recreational sex! Men can get attached, possessive and act needy too during casual sex.

When I made this decision, some people were shocked as to how you can be okay with recreational sex and then suddenly go the opposite route. I had an ex-boyfriend accuse me of trying to impress others. One young man even said "Once a sl*t , always a sl*t ." Another woman said that people with borderline personality disorder do this (huh). It's as if they expect you to have casual sex all of your life. I'm sorry, but people grow up and change! What worked for you in your early 20's won't always work for you when you get older. I find it interesting that society shames women for having recreational sex, but also shames them for wanting to wait.

Now, did anyone go through something similar just so I won't feel alone.

I kind of did..... Long story. But, when my ex-husband left me I went crazy and slept with about 20 guys in 3 months. Well, then I quit sleeping around, and actually started dating one of those guys and now we're married. We've been married for 15 months, and we're doing great. But basically my ex still thought I was horrible, and accused me of still sleeping around - even on my new husband. But I completely changed my ways.

You're always entitled to do what you want to with your sex life! As well as change your mind. I find your reasons to be valid, personally. Though I have never made a similar decision.
You've essentially decided that a behavior you were engaging in - in this case, casual sex - is not healthy for you emotionally and you're going to strive in the future to replace it with a behavior you find more positive - sex in a loving relationship. If you were replacing a nightly bowl of ice cream with a weekly frozen yogurt, nobody would give you and flak for it. But our society has a bad case of separation between the women who have sex and who don't.
I'm curious as to why you've discussed this with 3+ people with such negative opinions, especially the ex boyfriend? Seems like it wouldn't be any of their business.

My ex-boyfriend was a friend at that time. He was pressuring me to be his casual sex partner, but I said no and I explained him why. What's funny is that he used to tell me "Everybody thinks you're a desperate . You make an idiot out of yourself. That's why nobody likes you" when I was having recreational sex. You couldn't win with him. I admit I felt insecure by his pressure and mind games, so I posted on yahoo and that's when 2 random people made comments, haha..Not a good decision.


My recent roommate also thought I was taking things to the extreme by waiting to have sex when in a relationship, but I want to build a strong emotional foundation first and get to spot any "red flags." It's her right if she wants to have sex within the first few dates, but it's not for me. Especially when I don't want to get bonded to the wrong person. Oxytocin is very real.

Hi
Im a male but what you describe happened to me to some extent and I just thought about it as growing up.
Once you get to your mid 20s you realise that recreational sex can leave you with a hollow feeling- like unhealthy food. Similar to Little's analogy. So you change your ways.
I have heard of people starting out being reserved and turning more recreational at a later age so I guess it can go both ways.

I agree. I also think that finding the right casual sex partner is no different than finding someone for a relationship. I have to be attracted to the person and have some chemistry. I'm not content with some random person at the bar.

I think you need to find new friends and people to associate with since the things they are telling you is BS. Feel empowered with your sexuality to either flaunt it, or wait for it. And just because your not having intercourse does mean you can't have sex (hello vibrator).

I have been where you are. I have had the casual sex and loved it. It was a great time and if I hadn't, now, being married and monogamous, I would probably regret the things I didn't get to do. But there was a period in my life I did not feel comfortable with having casual sex and decided to wait till I found somebody I really cared about. I did grow out of that phase. The thing is sexuality is fluid. If it remained the same, life would be pretty boring. As long are you are making these decisions on what YOU want and not what others are telling you to do, there is nothining to be ashamed of.

My advise, go out and find new friends.

You know YA! is full of nothing but trollers Forget their bad advice!

Originally Posted by PaneraBread

My ex-boyfriend was a friend at that time. He was pressuring me to be his casual sex partner, but I said no and I explained him why. What's funny is that he used to tell me "Everybody thinks you're a desperate . You make an idiot out of yourself. That's why nobody likes you" when I was having recreational sex. You couldn't win with him. I admit I felt insecure by his pressure and mind games, so I posted on yahoo and that's when 2 random people made comments, haha..Not a good decision.


My recent roommate also thought I was taking things to the extreme by waiting to have sex when in a relationship, but I want to build a strong emotional foundation first and get to spot any "red flags." It's her right if she wants to have sex within the first few dates, but it's not for me. Especially when I don't want to get bonded to the wrong person. Oxytocin is very real.

Haven't slept with many people but I agree that everyone can change their habits, if they desire. It's their right and choice. Others may not accept that the change has occurred, but if it did, it did. I agree that waiting for the right person is better than staying in unfulfiling casual sexual relationships. Many people think that you're at least getting something rather than nothing by having sex, even if it's just casual, but the emptiness which comes with sex that is not really satisfying emotionally, etc. is not easy to deal with. It can also negatively affect how you feel about self worth or value as a person.