Thread: Married and bi

Okay, I am about as perfectly bi as a person can be. I am married to my husband, whom I love with all my heart. The only other person I've been with sexually is my high school best friend, who is female. My husband knows that I am bi.

The issue is monogamy. My husband and I are devoutly monogmous. He knows I've been with other people before him, including a female lover, and he's okay with that.

So what does a person do with these feelings toward same-sex relationships. The only woman I've ever been with remains my best friend in the world. But what of monogamany?

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Monogramy is something you need to negotiate with your partner. Regardless of whether you are bi, gay or straight, there will always be other people that you are sexually attracted to. Wheather you act on those feelings is another matter. If you want to have a relationship with a woman as well as your husband, there are different options. You could have an open marriage where you can engage sexually with other women only. You can try swinging. Maybe its occassionally engaging in a threesome. If you want more than just sex, then maybe the polyamorous lifestyle is for you. Whatever it is, talk to your partner first and negotiate your relationship. Many people do not live the hetero-normative monogomous lifestyle. There are many other options, but you need to openly discuss it with your husband

There are good resources on Polyamory on the net- If your thinking about it do a lot of research before you act.
It seems to be common amongst the Bi community for obvious reasons. He may not feel threatened by you having a female partner.
Would you feel threatened by him having a female lover?

Note that polyamory is not the same as just having a threesome. Polyamory is where an extra person is emotionally involved with one of the members of the couple as well as sexually. If you're just wanting to meet the sexual side of your attraction to women then the biggest and most important step you need to take is TALK, and talk and talk. If you have a strong and trusting r/ship hopefully can both talk and listen without judgement.

I guess I'm biased b/c I'm in a r/ship where we have other people in our sex life, and I am also bi. If you can both honestly feel that sex is possible without emotional entanglement and that it does not compromise your feelings for each other then you can look towards including a woman in your sex life. Whether that would be just with you, or with you and your partner would need to be sorted.

It is a very complex issue because not everyone is emotionally equipped to cope with an 'extra' . Do remember tho that 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander'. If you're wanting to have some extra curricular fun then your partner needs to have the same freedom.

I'm happy to share my experience and knowledge if you're interested.

I am monogomous, and plan to remain so for the foreseable future. Not looking for threesomes or alternative lifestyles, I guess I just go through a rough patch now and then, which is pretty much the human condition. Thanks for the feedback, it helped me focus :-)

Being bisexual does not need to have any impact on a monogamous relationship.

Some people consider themselves bisexual their attraction to people is regardless of gender.

It is the same is having a soft spot for men with blue eyes - you may fall in love with someone who as brown eyes. I have never heard anyone worry about this or comment that someone will cheat because their ex had different coloured eyes. The same could be applied to hair colour, height, and many other factors.

For other people, they may feel like they need both men and women to feel satisfied. The rules of a relationship only concern those in the relationship, just be honest. If you feel like you need to hide something or lie about it it is probably cheating.

I think bisexuality and monogamy are independent. Straight people also sometimes find themselves attracted to people outside of their relationship - but are expected to not act on that attraction. (sometimes that attraction can be very strong). Being bisexual though does have a possible big advantage: it makes it more likely that your husband would be OK with a 3rd person joining you. Its of course possible that he is completely opposed to this sort of thing - that is absolutely fine: monogamy is what is expected in relationships unless otherwise discussed. OTOH, maybe if you find the right bisexual partner he would be interested and that would let you satisfy your interest in being with another woman. Its even possible that he is OK with you being with another woman (without him) - it all depends on hos he feels about things