Sexless Marriage

**shadowx** · 11-04-2011 10:44 PM

I'm very upset tonight, my husband and I had sex but I found out beforehand that he was viewing graphic pictures on Craigslist, he doesn't know that I know. This has been an ongoing problem for years, it hasn't been so well hidden until recently, and I've in the past 6 months expressed to him how it makes me feel unwanted, so much so that it left me vulnerable to have an emotional affair online, which hurt him deeply. It hurts me so deeply when he views porn, it makes me feel the same way he did about my affair and yet he still views it, and worse uses it to get ready for sex with me. He does have problems getting aroused but so do I when not given the things I need to be aroused, like affection and foreplay. I know he loves me and cares for me and we have a good marriage besides the sex issue, but I feel like he's not crazy about me. I'm at the end of my rope and I am considering just dropping the whole lack of sex issue, I do complain that we don't have enough sex, maybe it would be less pressure on him and my self esteem maybe could stop taking a beating. It's taken enough over the years, I used to initiate and get rejected constantly, I don't even feel like having sex with him anymore because I just don't feel wanted in that way. I am just unsure of how it will impact the relationship. All I know is *something* has to change so that I can feel fulfilled in my marriage, I am done trying to change him and I need to find a way to make this all OK for me but I just don't know how.

**shadowx** · 11-04-2011 10:59 PM

I don't know how to edit my post, I just wanted to add:

I have tried all kinds of things, I have tried talking dirty more, I have tried backing off and waiting for him to make a move and he never did. He is a bit older than me and has blamed his disinterest in sex on his age, BUT that doesn't hold up for me when he seems to have NO problem at all getting it up for porn.

I don't buy the whole "that's just what guys do" or " that's just how guys are wired" with the porn stuff. I'm sorry, but men and women are wired differently, yes, men are visual and women are emotional. However I consider it cheating when he is getting aroused by another woman visually, just as it was cheating when I was getting aroused by another man emotionally.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-05-2011 01:54 AM

It's funny how one example doesn't seem to match the other, ie) he watches porn you don't like it, he tosses (no punt intended it aside) you have an emotional affair, he acts all hurt and expect you to maybe feel guilty or bad.

I don't know if there is enough information to answer you honestly.

The age difference, the time married, children, laughter, fun, dates, excitement outside the bedroom, communication and understanding other than in the bedroom.

It sounds to me just on the in-set that he has a cold side about him, doesn't want to open up, won't open up and porn is just masterbation to him a release, he may not be compassionate, emotional, what is his background growing up?

**sp346** · 11-05-2011 09:45 AM

It sounds like there is a lot going on with your relationship. First, there needs to be open communication. If you have already expressed your feelings and its not getting though, my suggestion is to see a marriage counsellor, especially one who is also a sex therapist. Go to the AASECT website to find one near you. Marriage is a life long effort and we do have our ups and downs.

You are right, that whole men are wired differently is BS. Women enjoy porn just as much as men. As a society, we just seem more comfortable with the idea of men watching it. Watching porn may be your husband's attempt to spice things up or it may be some deeper issues related to not being able to get aroused without it. I think the answers you are looking for may be beyond this forum's ability. Definitely go see a therapist who can help negotiate this relationship.

**driveby** · 11-25-2011 10:17 PM

Have you thought about getting him to check his Testosterone levels? I had very low levels and although sex with my wife was not very appealing masturbation was, and porn was almost a necessity. I think it was more a need to feel than a preference of that over sex with her. Now I'm taking hormone therapy (injections) I am much more interested in my wife than masturbation and porn is out. There is no doubt however, that you both need to communicate about this issue.
Be prepared though, if he does have low-t and begins therapy there will be drastic changes where he will need your support, and body, a lot. I have found that my wife actually has a much lower sex drive than I do and it is now causing a "reverse" problem. I find myself in your position. But I digress. You need to try and get him tested. If you both truly love each other the fight to normalcy is worth it.